sad tuesday
a long time since i've been here and i just had the sudden urge to write.
i don't know if i'm feeling guilty or what, it's just that the father's of my 2 co-workers here died last saturday and people from the office have started to visit their wakes.
i have a problem with it., i am not comfortable with attending a father's funeral simply because i do not want to re-live that moment when i was the one experiencing the loss. the memory of it still hurts because a lot of things has been revealed to me during that time and up until now, i guess it hasn't really sunk in yet, i tell people that it's nothing to me, but until my family realizes that they need to clear up everything in our family's history then i will just probably run away from it and act like its nothing.
my friends have told me that i should face this "fear" so i can go on with my life, but yeah, i think i can go on with it, it just that whenever a friend of mine loses his/her father, i will probably not visit them. i am sorry but this is who i am, i am scared of feeling that emotion before that made me lose trust in my family, because they didn't tell me the truth and left me to discover a lot of things that has been traumatic, it pobably changed my whole view on everything and i guess, i might be a different person today if they found time before to explain my father's disappearance for a month or so instead of telling me he's been called off to work in the army..
yes, i am bitter, i am angry if you think about it, but never will i be the one to ask about it, its their responsibility to tell me.
so if ever i end up a serial killer, you probably know why.
i don't know if i'm feeling guilty or what, it's just that the father's of my 2 co-workers here died last saturday and people from the office have started to visit their wakes.
i have a problem with it., i am not comfortable with attending a father's funeral simply because i do not want to re-live that moment when i was the one experiencing the loss. the memory of it still hurts because a lot of things has been revealed to me during that time and up until now, i guess it hasn't really sunk in yet, i tell people that it's nothing to me, but until my family realizes that they need to clear up everything in our family's history then i will just probably run away from it and act like its nothing.
my friends have told me that i should face this "fear" so i can go on with my life, but yeah, i think i can go on with it, it just that whenever a friend of mine loses his/her father, i will probably not visit them. i am sorry but this is who i am, i am scared of feeling that emotion before that made me lose trust in my family, because they didn't tell me the truth and left me to discover a lot of things that has been traumatic, it pobably changed my whole view on everything and i guess, i might be a different person today if they found time before to explain my father's disappearance for a month or so instead of telling me he's been called off to work in the army..
yes, i am bitter, i am angry if you think about it, but never will i be the one to ask about it, its their responsibility to tell me.
so if ever i end up a serial killer, you probably know why.