(no subject)
NOTE: This script was something written by Shamus and I for his English class (I obviously decided to help for the hell of it). The basic gist of it is that it's a news broadcast, but everything that is said is often changed (you'll get it). It's fucking hilarious....read and I'll love you forever :)
Shamus Russell
D Block
ICWP 6/8/04
"An Unusual News Broadcast"
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the news at 5 on 5…
(Bell)
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the news at 6 on 6…
(Bell)
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the news at 7 on 7…
(Bell)
ANNOUNCER: We're live here at MTV spring break with - uh oh…this is the news, isn't it?
(Bell)
ANNOUNCER: …the 6:00 news, here on channel thirteen, with your anchors…
SHAMUS: Ralph and….
LAURA: Lauren!
(Bell)
SHAMUS: Bill!
LAURA: And Betty!
(Bell)
SHAMUS: Abercrombie!
LAURA: And Fitch!
(Bell)
SHAMUS: Shamus Russell!
LAURA: and Laura Freeman.
SHAMUS: And welcome to our live news coverage, here in the Big Apple. Our top story for tonight:
Election 2004, and man is it a right race. At the start of the election people thought it was a sure thing that Bush would take it but now it's the opposite. The latest polls tell us that Kerry is leading by 98%. Senator John Kerry will officially accept the democratic nomination at the upcoming convention this summer in Boston.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: In Taiwan.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: In Uruguay.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: In Iraq.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: In your bathroom.
LAURA: I just went, but thanks for asking if I needed to go.
SHAMUS: Actually I wasn't.
LAURA: Must have been a misinterpretation on my half. And by the way America, Bush is going down. All he cares about is creating chaos.
SHAMUS: By hiring taxes…and having that tax return "thing" give all the money back to the rich.
LAURA: Which is pointless because they don't need it.
SHAMUS: Exactly! I mean, so what if the poor don't have it? Let's give some back to them anyway.
LAURA: Bush doesn't stand a chance.
(Bell)
LAURA: Bush will win.
(Bell)
LAURA: I almost ran for president once.
SHAMUS: Well isn't that nice.
LAURA: Actually, it is.
SHAMUS: You want to take this outside?
LAURA: Not now. Maybe later though.
SHAMUS: (Whispering) Oh and by the way Laura….
LAURA: What?
SHAMUS: …you wouldn't have won.
LAURA: Oh yeah, I think it would have been a "sure thing" if you ask me. You're just jealous because you know I could have won.
SHAMUS: (Foaming at the mouth) Blahddadkackababuchibbyshoo!
LAURA: Excuse me?
SHAMUS: Yeah, excuse me!
LAURA: Yes, you're excused. In other news…
SHAMUS: (Aggressively) I'm not finished yet!
LAURA: Fine, finish then.
SHAMUS: (Coughing) Ok, I'm done.
LAURA: That America is a good example of a nut case, also known as someone who is probably deprived of sleep. In world news, Sadaam Hussein was final captured by US forces…he was hiding in a hole, which may I say was "brilliant".
SHAMUS: Laura that happened last December.
(Bell)
LAURA: In world news, Osama Bin Laden has NOT been captured…his location is unknown at this time.
SHAMUS: Whoa, thank you Captain Obvious!
(Bell)
LAURA: Mm, are those pistachios I smell?
SHAMUS: (With lisp) Oh yes, they tasthe liketh spitacios!
(Bell)
LAURA: In local news, schools are considering a ban on all toxic glue, not including non-toxic…
SHAMUS: Studies have shown that the glue is being used for other purposes.
LAURA: This is not how we want our future generation to be when they grow up.
SHAMUS: (Breaks out in song) "I'm addicted to you 'cause you know that I'm toxiiiiiiic…"
LAURA: Yes we know. That's why they are ridding it from schools. It is addictive. Moving on…
SHAMUS: "…I'm toxiiiiiic…"
LAURA: We know already! Can't you wait until Entertainment tonight?
SHAMUS: Oh, yes. Sure thing.
LAURA: We'll be back after a short break from our sponsors.
COMMERCIALS
MAN ON TV: Are you tired of working those fields?
(Bell)
MAN ON TV: Are you fed up of over paying middle aged white workers?
(Bell)
MAN ON TV: Do you like tacos? If so you can now buy a Mexican for a very cheap price. They can do all your work for you. They even can cook you tacos every night. If you call in the next minute we'll include a Canadian…
(Bell)
MAN ON TV: Facial cream…
(Bell)
MAN ON TV: A nuclear weapon…at no extra cost. Call now at 1-800-WANTMEX. Prices start at 5.95 for a small, 7.95 for a medium, and a very low price of 9.95 for a large, and extra large are currently unavailable. English not included.
.....
WOMAN ON TV: Do you not change for gym?
(Bell)
WOMAN ON TV: Do you smell like BO constantly?
(Bell)
WOMAN ON TV: Do you really think it's against your religion? Are you that philosophical about it? Do you even sweat when you stretch? If so, we have a solution for you. It's a 6 X 8 capsule inserted into your ear…
(Bell)
WOMAN ON TV: eye…
(Bell)
WOMAN ON TV: nose…three times a day. And before you know it, you'll have motivation to change and people around you will be much happier.
(A fine example of the medication in action.)
LITTLE GIRL: Joey, you smell fab.
LITTLE BOY: Thanks Angela. I'm on the pill.
LITTLE GIRL: You're on birth control?
LITTLE BOY: No silly, I'm a big kid now!
......
OLD MAN ON TV: Do you like to light body parts on fire?
(Bell)
OLD MAN ON TV: Do you get some sort of thrill out of doing this cult like activity?
(Bell)
OLD MAN ON TV: Do you enjoy the smell of burning flesh?
(Bell)
OLD MAN ON TV: Do you eat it afterwards? If so this could be a severe problem. Actually, you know what? That's just sick. If this is you please contact us at 1-800-COOLKID for assistance. Rush assistance available.
LAURA: And we're back.
(Bell)
LAURA: Saying good night this is Laura Freeman and…
(Bell)
LAURA: In entertainment news, Janet Jackson has signed a two-year contract with Playboy!
SHAMUS: (Gazes off into space) Well, this should be interesting…
LAURA: (Coughing) Buddy, we're live on the air.
SHAMUS: (Readjusting himself) Oh, right. In music news…
This week's top five songs are:
5) "Mary had a little loveshack"
4) "Man! I feel like kung-fu fighting"
3) "My heart will let the dogs out"
2) "It's raining men, this I promise you"
1) "Losing my religion like a virgin"
LAURA: This makes me want to sing… "Represent, represent, Cuuuuba…"
(Bell)
LAURA: "Or do you only wanna dance…"
(Bell)
LAURA "…so you don't confuse them, with mountains…"
(Bell)
SHAMUS: We're going to move on because I hate Shakira.
LAURA: We say that a lot.
SHAMUS: What?
LAURA: Moving on.
SHAMUS: Oh. Moving on…
LAURA: In the movie industry the top five grossing movies this week according to the box office are:
5) "The Santa Clause - International Man of Mystery"
4) "Schindlers West Side Story"
3) "The Sound of King Kong"
2) "The Silence of the Psycho"
1) "I know what you did to kill a mockingbird"
SHAMUS: 'Tis a GREAT EXPECTATION for all the movies this week to gross a lot of money. Don't you agree, Laura?
LAURA: Sure thing. I really enjoyed "The Sound of King Kong"!
SHAMUS: I hated it!
LAURA: Why was that?
SHAMUS: Probably cause they didn't cast me as King Kong. They said I was too fat and needed subway…
(VOICE IN BACKROUND): …eat fresh!
LAURA: Right. In some other entertainment news, Seamus O'Connor's screenplay of "The Island of Appeal" captured 53 Oscars last night at the 722nd Annual Academy Awards.
SHAMUS: (Informational tone) …you can also catch my book on shelves entitled, "Macbeth".
LAURA: (Defensively) Shakespeare wrote that!
SHAMUS: No he didn't.
LAURA: Yes, he did.
SHAMUS: No.
LAURA: Yes.
SHAMUS: No.
LAURA: No
SHAMUS: Yes.
LAURA: Potatoes?
SHAMUS: What?
LAURA: Nevermind.
SHAMUS: Umm, Let's carry on!
LAURA: Yeah, how about some sports?
SHAMUS: Sure thing. Today the Patriots celebrated their 2nd super bowl win in three years in a parade held by the city of Boston.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: Today the Patriots celebrated their super bowl loss…
(Bell)
SHAMUS: Today the Packers celebrated their 50th consecutive win in the super bowl…
(Bell)
SHAMUS: The Red Sox are mourning today as they lost A-Rod in a deal. People are saying they may never play again. However it is proving to be for the better.
(Bell)
LAURA: Today the world ended.
SHAMUS: Quite unfortunate if you ask me…
LAURA: Yeah. CUT, I need a bathroom break.
SHAMUS: WOW.
COMMERCIALS
WOMAN WITH ENERGY: Did you like Dirty Dancing?
(Bell)
WOMAN WITH ENERGY: Did you like the sequel, Havana Nights?
(Bell)
WOMAN WITH ENERGY: Would you like it to become a trilogy?
(Bell)
WOMAN WITH ENERGY: Well that doesn't matter. If you enjoy the original music, you will most certainly enjoy the Cuban style music in the sequel. That's beside the point also. If you're into the dance, the style, you should order Seamus & Lara's Cuban Workout. It has all the latest moves. Anything from the salsa to Janet Jackson, not the halftime show moves. Those wouldn't be appropriate for this video. Try the hottt network.
(Bell)
WOMAN WITH ENERGY: Disney.
(Bell)
WOMAN WITH ENERGY: Lifetime.
(Bell)
WOMAN WITH ENERGY: The gospel channel.
You can purchase this video for a very small price of $249.99. And, if you call in the next five minutes we are willing to throw in a second tape for only an additional $249.98. Catch it now folks while it's still hot.
SHAMUS: …And she's back folks.
LAURA: Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
SHAMUS: I understand. Not like I am a girl or anything…
(Telephone rings)
SHAMUS: Hello…Oh hi mom…what is it…what…is that possible…I'm a girl…
(Bell)
SHAMUS: I'm a boy…?
(Bell)
SHAMUS: I'm both…?
(Bell)
SHAMUS: You got to pick? That's cool. They do say it's the luck of the Irish.
LAURA: Now that we have determined your gender, this is a great transition into the next feature of our broadcast…
(In game show tone) Determine Your Gender…the show where pink and blue mean more than just colors.
SHAMUS: The following peoples' genders are in what we like to call, "limbo":
5) George "Dubya" Bush
4) Michael Jackson
3) Pink
2) Elmo
1) Rupal
LAURA: And that's that.
SHAMUS: (Philosophically) I concur. This is a very sensitive subject for myself.
LAURA: Now onto the weather. Today will be sunny.
(Bell)
LAURA: Today it will rain.
(Bell)
LAURA: Today it will snow.
(Bell)
LAURA: Why should I know the weather? I am just a meteorologist.
SHAMUS: You know what rhymes with weather? Leather…feather…. Heather…the other whether….and umm yeah that's it.
LAURA: You know what rhymes with cop? STOP!
SHAMUS: GEEEZ. Brick wall waterfall, you think you got it all but you don't!
LAURA: Reese pieces 7UP you mess with me and I'll mess you up.
SHAMUS: Oh yeah well…don't mess, don't mess. Don't mess with the best cause the best don't rest. Don't fool, don't fool. Don't fool with the cool cause the cool doesn't rule from the east to the west.
LAURA: "WOW"! You're so cool cause you totally just contradicted yourself.
SHAMUS: (Crying) I am sorry. Gosh. I didn't mean to hurt you and then you go and say such mean things about me. We are supposed to be reporting the news and all we have been doing is fooling around for the past fifteen minutes.
LAURA: (Crying) I'm sorry.
SHAMUS: (Crying) My life is just a huge headache at times.
LAURA: And I am your painkiller.
SHAMUS: But my life is the blowing wind.
LAURA: Can I be your windbreaker?
SHAMUS: Sure thing. I love you.
LAURA: (Crying) I love you.
(VIDEO IN BACKROUND) Field with flowers, with hills all around. Shamus and Laura run towards each other to hug but as they get closer both trip and fall.
CAMERAMAN: Hahaha…losers.
(Blackout)
LAURA: Thanks for the blackout.
SHAMUS: Yeah, we all got a little too condensated.
LAURA: Oh plez ubs.
SHAMUS: I think that we should move on to our guest speakers.
LAURA: I think so too. Let's bring out our first guest, Oprah Winfrey,
OPRAH: Hi Everyone. How ya'll doing today?
SHAMUS: We're great Oprah.
OPRAH: Oh, your such a gem. You look fabulous. You lose weight?
SHAMUS: No, not really.
OPRAH: Oh well at least I did.
LAURA: Can I ask you a question?
OPRAH: Sure honey.
LAURA: You give so much away Oprah, why is that?
OPRAH: Cause I love the world.
(Bell)
OPRAH: I hate the world.
(Bell)
OPRAH: The world stinks, and I figure if I give some money away it don't matter.
LAURA: But you give to every foundation but mine that supports myself.
OPRAH: (Taking out checkbook) What's the name of your foundation?
LAURA: The Laura Foundation.
SHAMUS: (To the side) How unique.
LAURA: Thank you Oprah, I - I mean my foundation will benefit greatly from this.
OPRAH: No problem girlfriend. Did I tell you I lost weight?
SHAMUS: I think the whole world knows right now because everywhere you go you say it at least twice.
OPRAH: Oh, well I just wanted to say I lost a lot of weight and anyone can do it.
LAURA: You can leave now.
OPRAH: Bye ya'll.
SHAMUS: Let's bring on our next guest, Britney Spears.
BRITNEY: Thank you so much for having me here.
(Bell)
BRITNEY: I'm here for the money.
(Bell)
BRITNEY: I'm so tired of this stuff.
SHAMUS: It's okay. We still love you.
LAURA: Oh plez. Speak for yourself.
BRITNEY: I just love to be in front of the camera to be able to tell my fans that I love them. I really do. And even though I got married when I was drunk, it doesn't make me that bad of a person.
SHAMUS: There was your tour, which was very… -
BRITNEY: Well my tour was over the line, but hey, I made 35 million, wouldn't you walk around in lingerie for that much money?
LAURA: I'll keep my night job.
SHAMUS: Well I would. Thank you so much for being here Britney. Sorry it had to be so short. Somebody to my left obviously is over jealous of you…
BRITNEY: That's okay. A lot of people are. That's what I like best about myself. Bye!
LAURA: That girl is pathetic. I hate her living guts.
SHAMUS: Once again, thank you Captain "ubs". You're so mean.
LAURA: Whatever.
SHAMUS: She's a better person than you are.
LAURA: Yeah, OK.
SHAMUS: Now another word from our sponsors.
COMMERCIALS
FROSTY THE SNOWSTORM: Do you hate New England weather?
MOODY MAN: YES! Tell me about it. The weather in Mexico is so much better.
FROSTY THE SNOWSTORM: Do you like the snow?
MOODY MAN: Yeah, it's worse Bush.
(Frosty the snowman then runs at the man and because Frosty is made of snow it gives the ban frostbite. The man later on in the day has to have all his limbs cut off because he said that he hated snow, that which Frosty was made of.)
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN: Back to the add. As I was saying about the weather, do you like it? Well if you don't we have something designed just for you right out of the kitchen.
(BELL)
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN: From Wal-Mart.
(Bell)
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN: Out of the box.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN: This new device enables you to change the weather at your choice. If it's winter and its too old for you, just push the button and it will change right before your very eyes. Neat isn't it? This device since it is so new, will not be on shelves until 3059. Sorry. Try back then.
SHAMUS: And we're back. We cut the commercials short because who likes them anyway.
LAURA: Our final guest for this evening is my personal favorite…Jerry Springer.
SHAMUS: Here comes the drama.
JERRY: Hi guys.
SHAMUS & LAURA: Hi Jerry.
JERRY: How are you doing today?
SHAMUS: I'm all right.
LAURA: Excellent now that you are here.
(Bell)
LAURA: Going to puke.
(Bell)
LAURA: In love.
JERRY: Why, I'm flattered by your kind remarks. How do you feel about your co-host?
LAURA: He's lame.
SHAMUS: Thank you for your "kind" remarks.
LAURA: No problem.
JERRY: Shamus how does that make you feel?
SHAMUS: What do you think this is your own show? Don't think so buddy.
JERRY: Whoa, calm down there. I'm just trying to understand your feelings.
LAURA: Don't mind him, he's always like this.
SHAMUS: What? How do you say -
JERRY: OKAY! I can see that we aren't getting anywhere.
SHAMUS: All you do is yap yap yap and I think when I say this I speak for the whole world, "shut up."
LAURA: Anger management…
SHAMUS: Do you want to take this outside?
LAURA: I don't know, do you?
SHAMUS: I sure do.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: If I only had the nerve….
(Bell)
SHAMUS: I'm tired, try me tomorrow.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: I am ready, as I will ever be.
LAURA: Good.
(Both march outside. Jerry following along with his camera crew. The rest of the workers in the building began to place their bets on the winner)
WORKER 1: Give me 25 on Shamus…he's been fired up all week.
WORKER 2: Nah, I'll take 75 on Laura. You should see what the last guy she dated looks like now.
RANDOM MAN: (He has no right eye, one arm, one leg, no hair and talks really fast) Hey that's me your talking about.
WORKER 2: My point exactly.
WORKER 1: Oh your right. Make that 25 on Laura.
(Everyone looks on a television as Laura and Shamus reach the parking lot)
SHAMUS: (Rolling up sleeves) You're gonna wish you never challenged me to this match?
LAURA: You're gonna wish we never met.
SHAMUS: Are we live?
CAMERAMAN: Yes.
LAURA: How does my hair look?
SHAMUS: It's gonna be ripped out of your head in a minute.
LAURA: (Ferociously) Aghhflgsllllsish…
(Shamus and Laura both lunge at each other. Shamus throws the first punch and misses by a long shot. Laura then retaliates with a quick kick to the shins but she also misses by a long shot. After missing repetitively both give up.)
SHAMUS: This is pointless…we don't hate each other.
LAURA: I know.
SHAMUS: We only lunged at each other because of Jerry.
LAURA: (Speaking to Jerry) You just edged us on to get footage for your show.
JERRY: (With poor acting skills) what are you talking about? I didn't do this.
LAURA: Get him.
(Both charge at Jerry. He tries to run but Shamus trips him and causes him to break his nose. Laura then kicks him in the groin, and well, that's just darn out mean. He then cries out in agony. Shamus and Laura interpret this wrongly and think that he is yelling cuss words at them. They respond with two kicks to the groin and re-enter the building)
SHAMUS: Job well done.
LAURA: I'd say.
(Bell)
LAURA: My gramma could have done better.
(Bell)
LAURA: What are you, a girl?
SHAMUS: Well, remember my parents got to choose.
LAURA: Oh, right.
SHAMUS: Well I suppose we should get back to work.
LAURA: Yeah. I hope those cameras weren't on.
CAMERAMAN: Ahh…Jerry told me to put them on, for next week's special.
SHAMUS: Well I got "news" for you buddy, the special for next week has been canceled.
(Shamus runs with force at the cameraman with intent to kill, or that's what it looks like. Shamus then jumps on top of him grabs the camera and throws it against the brick wall. He brushes his shoulders off and walks back toward the door.)
SHAMUS: That's solved.
(Shamus and Laura then walk back into the studio. As they enter the newsroom people asking who won the fight outside swarm them.)
LAURA: No one did.
SHAMUS: Well, we sort of did.
LAURA: You should see Jerry.
SHAMUS: I think we should return to the news desk, we are live you know.
LAURA: Good idea.
SHAMUS: In honor of our recent victory out back, we have decided to add a special segment to our show tonight. That being an auction, and your auctioneers being us. And what will we be auctioning you ask? That's easy, our coworkers.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: The moon.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: Our souls.
(Bell)
SHAMUS: Jerry himself and what we happen to find in his pockets. Hey, it's the only thing we got lying around here. All proceeds will go to the Laura Foundation.
LAURA: Yay! I can feed the kids tonight.
SHAMUS: Don't you work under the table?
LAURA: Yeah. But that's just without taxes.
SHAMUS: So you're into this because you don't have to work for it, I see.
LAURA: Okay. Let's stop talking about my nightlife and move on. Our first item up for bid is a Hello Kitty pez dispenser. Yes, you heard me right.
(Long Pause)
SHAMUS: Sold to the man in the back wearing the Elmo costume.
LAURA: Our next item up for bid is a book, titled "How to Pick Up Women at Your Local Farm Stand."
SHAMUS: This has got to be good.
(Long Pause)
SHAMUS: Sold to the middle aged women in the back. How can that be?
LAURA: Hey, we are in Massachusetts you know.
SHAMUS: Oh yeah, gay marriage is now legal here. Okay. Back to the auction.
LAURA: Next up for grabs is a pen. But not just any pen, now folks. You can use this pen to write with.
SHAMUS: Wow. Go figure.
LAURA: Amazing, isn't it?
SHAMUS: What else is in there?
LAURA: Let's see...(Laura searches Jerry's pockets)
SHAMUS: Well...?
LAURA: All I can find is paper.
SHAMUS: Well that's lame.
LAURA: Yeah...but they all look an awful lot like one hundred-dollar bills...
SHAMUS: Give me those!
LAURA: What for?
SHAMUS: To uh...keep in my pocket. For safekeeping.
LAURA: Good idea.
SHAMUS: The next and final item will be Jerry himself. Any takers?
(Long Pause)
SHAMUS: Sold to the cannibals in the 4th row.
LAURA: Man, I was hoping my mom would win him or something.
SHAMUS: Too bad Laura. Maybe for your birthday I will get you Dr. Phil, would you like that?
LAURA: OMG! I'm in love with him.
SHAMUS: Well consider it done then.
LAURA: Thanks.
SHAMUS: That's what friends are for.
LAURA: Well I think that we should end this broadcast on a good note. And besides, we've been here for hours it seems like.
SHAMUS: Signing off for tonight, and no we're not talking about AOL…this is Shamus Russell and….
LAURA: Laura Freeman
SHAMUS: CUT!
CAMERAMAN: Um, we were never rolling.
LAURA: Nice joke now cut it out literally.
CAMERAMAN: No really, I'm not kidding.
(Shamus and Laura dive over the counter to attack the cameraman all in slow motion. They accidentally miss him and fly out the 13th story window. Two hours later.)
SHAMUS: (in body cast with camera really on now) Sorry folks. It turns out that our camera was never actually turned on. (Stares down cameraman)
LAURA: (with one leg) we just did a two-hour news broadcast for nothing.
SHAMUS: And I am sure as hell not repeating it. We'll sum it up for you in one sentence.
SHAMUS & LAURA: An unusual news broadcast, is all we got to say.