"Do What Makes You Feel Guilty (When the Guilt is Unjustified)"
Source.
What's making me feel guilty?
The fact that I'm not going to church for my mom, and that I'm not willing to just drop everything and do what she 'needs' me to do for her own convenience when she's feeling tired. I feel like I "should" do those things. Like if she asks me to do something, I'm supposed to just drop all of my plans and do it no matter what.
Why is the guilt unjustified?
Because I can't take care of her needs and mine at the same time sometimes. I am getting my master's degree and combating severe depression and anxiety. She is also battling pretty severe depression and anxiety, I think. I'm not saying she doesn't need my support. I'm just saying that I can't always be there to handle things that she doesn't feel like doing because she doesn't feel good. I don't feel good sometimes, but I don't have her handling things for me that I don't feel capable of handling myself. I go to the doctor and get help so that I can handle things myself. Sure, she cooks and finishes my laundry sometimes, but honestly she doesn't have to. I can do those things myself in my own time.
The problem with dropping everything to do what she wants when she wants it is that sometimes I really have a lot to do and I can barely carry everything that's on my own plate. I'm behind on a lot of things. I was supposed to be done with my data collection for my master's paper by yesterday and I haven't even started the paper yet D:
Am I in the wrong because I'm unable to take on her stuff since I'm behind? No. I really can't even begin to go down that road. I've been doing my best. Sure, I'm not perfect but I've been doing my best. I really have :'(.
...
Why does she do that? She doesn't say "It's totally OK for you to feel or do whatever you need to." She just adopts this demeanor that's like "I'm so upset that you didn't do what I wanted you to do." I just feel like that's not healthy.
It is also not healthy for me to care that much. I have a long list of shit to do and I'm going to do it. On that list of shit to do is living my life. Church may work for her, but it's not healthy for me to go to that place. It's not a safe, healing space for me like it is for her. She goes there and it makes her feel good about herself. I go there and it activates my tendency to judge everything I do. I have an anxiety disorder that predisposes me to be hypervigilant about doing the right thing and being a "good girl". That's unhealthy and I can't keep going through that. I don't deserve to be forced to go through that sort of thing. That's the force that's used against me - people are aware of my desire to do the right thing and make other people happy and how I'm obsessed with it and will pretty much do anything to be that good girl. And they use it to get me to do what they want to do.
I'm not going to do that today. I'm going to take care of myself. I haven't even made my bed or finished my laundry.
And I'm NOT even Christian really! I don't need to go to her church. Like I'm not anti-Christ, I just don't trust organized religion at all. And that could be me "not trusting God" or whatever but you know what? My belief system is just different. If it's OK for Christians to not be Muslim, it's OK for me to have my own beliefs. I will keep reminding myself of that until I learn to believe it.
Today, I'm going to:
- Work on my master's paper
- Do my hour or two of work that I have left
- Feed my fish
- Wash my hair / shower
- Make my bed / spray my pumpkin spray
In other news...
Sailor Moon is NOT my main squeeze on that show. She is too hetero and booed up with Tuxedo Mask for me. I just feel some type of way about the privilege that couples get in this world. It kind of pisses me off. And by kind of, I mean it really fucking pisses me off. I'm supposed to practice empathy or whatever right now but fuck that shit right now. IF YOU ARE BOOED UP RIGHT NOW I SO AM JUDGING YOUR ASS.