Ahaha. Um. *blush*
Shikamaru? That, um, “comparison” thing? Let’s never speak of it again. Like, ever. I say we find new ways to assure you you’re “manly enough”, because---because yeah. That was a little much for me.
I finished your hat, by the way. I think it’s sweet. Very green. Very manly. Even the pompom is excessively masculine.
Just be yourself, buddy. I don’t think anyone cares about that either way. It’s you I like, if that’s any consolation. It probably isn’t, but still. I think the same is true for ‘her’.
((Warnings: boys being boys and genitalia jokes. Tell me someone gets the thing with the hat. Please. I don’t want to feel like that much of a geek. I don’t watch too much of the Sci-Fi channel, I swear D:))
Shikamaru walked up to Chouji's door and knocked. When he received no answer he walked in the house and up to Chouji's room and headed on into his room as if he lived there. He sat down on the bed, "We need to talk."
Chouji had been digging through a basket of yarn when Shikamaru came in---as if he owned the place, which was no surprise whatsoever; they basically shared homes, and that was all there was to it. He set it aside, slightly embarrassed, and said "Sure. What's up?"
"Damn women...." he simply said.
Chouji quietly buried his knitting needles in the bottom of the basket, setting it for later. Shikamaru looked twitchy and serious, and that meant he was about to explode in a major way. "That's not anything new. Again, what's up?"
"Nothing apparently according to Temari."
"Wait..." Chouji blinked. "You were being witty there, and I missed it. What?"
Shikamaru narrowed his eyes at Chouji, a still serious look on his face. "Do you people need a microscope or something damn..."
"If you don't spill right now, I'm going to take you to the kitchen and make you eat something," Chouji said soberly. "You don't want that now, do you?"
"She said I was small damn it!"
Again, Chouji blinked. "You're not that short. You're taller than her now, even!"
Shikamaru gritted his teeth and said in a low voice, "Not that Chouji."
It took a moment of thought for that particular comment to sink in, but it obviously dawned on him. "...oh...well...it's...it's not a bad thing, is it?" Chouji asked, a little hopelessly.
Shikamaru grumbled again. "I'm not answering that...you should...just...oh fuck it."
"What, it can't be that small," he said, trying to be supportive and helpful and failing. "I mean...right? Size isn't everything."
"Fuck that shit Chouji...whatever..." he said crossing his arms.
"Well, what the hell am I supposed to say?"
"Nothing....apparently nothing...."
Chouji threw up his hands. "Why are you bitching at me? I'm NOT the Penis Fairy! I can't change it."
"I guess I'm just lousy all the way around...."
"You aren't lousy, moron," he huffed, rolling his eyes. "She wouldn't have put up with you if size was a huge issue. Uh. No pun intended."
"Then how the hell did it get brought up...."
"You brought it up. This is not something I think about on the day-to-day."
Shikamaru grumbled and laid back on the bed, looking up. "I brought it up because...damn it...I'm not that small am I?" he said looking over to Chouji.
"And how should I know?" he asked with one arched eyebrow. "You think I pay attention?"
"Well shit man how big are you then...."
Chouji colored instantly, making a small, strangled sound. "I-I don't pay attention to it...?"
"Bullshit."
He rubbed his forehead, looking exceptionally bothered. His tattoos nearly blended in with his flushed cheeks. "Are you saying you want to see my dick and compare it to yours?"
Shikamaru turned his head away. "Possibly..."
"Tell me yes or no, man, because I'm not going to whip out Mr. Happy unless you damn well think it's needed," Chouji groused, flushed to the tips of his ears. "Got it?"
"You gave it a name?"
"It was better than the ones Ino was giving it," he said gruffly. "But you're changing the subject."
He huffed, crossing his arms still looking up to the ceiling. "Whatever..."
"So do you want my opinion or not?"
"What...does that mean I have to pull mine out too?"
Flustered, Chouji crossed his arms over his chest. This was, in a word, troublesome. "Do you want to compare, or what?"
"You first."
"On the count of three," Chouji said solemnly, standing up and fiddling with his zipper. "We draw."
"Shit man...you're serious?"
"Think of it like a showdown or some shit like that," he said, trying not to inwardly melt of mortification. "You've seen Westerns. We count to three, and then we draw."
Shikamaru grumbled standing up from the bed. "This is troublesome..." He undid his belt.
Chouji untucked his sweater and undid his zipper, still blushing.
He started to pull his zipper down and paused. "Shit man I can't do this..."
"Then STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT," Chouji growled, not about to admit how embarrassed he was at the moment.
"I'll bitch when my masculinity takes such a low blow..."
"Uh, hello. I'm not that small, and I've got...like...no masculinity besides the fact that I have balls," Chouji said, zipping his jeans back up. "Size doesn't matter."
"Maybe not for you..."
"If size mattered, it would have an effect on our girl-catching skills, right?" He asked, wrinkling a frown. "And if that was the case, I'd have to beat them away with a bat, probably. And---and I obviously have no such bat, or any need for one."
Shikamaru deadpanned crossing his arms. "Well that makes me feel sooo much better...." he said sarcastically.
Chouji was quickly realizing that there was no real way to win this conversation. "...I'm at a loss here, man."
"Apparently I'm long gone..."
Chouji snorted. He couldn't help it. "Maybe 'long's' the wrong adjective."
"Chouji I am going to hit you...you are not helping..."
"Seriously, Shika. Think about how masculine I am, and how good at this whole romance thing I am. You're better at it all any day."
"That's bull...I must be just as lousy in bed as...fuck...nevermind..."
Chouji sighed. This was ridiculous. He knew Shikamaru, and he doubly knew that shock factor was the only way to make him shake this funk. Fine. Dammit. This was the most embarrassing...the things he did for him, honestly.... Chouji rolled his eyes at the ceiling---God help anyone who befriends a genius---unzipping his pants again and wriggling them down over his thighs.
Shikamaru's left eye twitched, and turned his head slightly after seeing more than he ever wanted to of his best friend.
"There. See? Size doesn't equate masculinity," Chouji grumbled, completely redfaced as he rearranged himself and pulled his pants back up. "Jesus, stop moping about genetics."
"Well my genetics suck..."
"I beg to differ."
"Well now seeing more of you than I ever want to, I have my opinion...and I suck..."
"You have this one imperfection and you're all bitchy about it? Geeze man. See the glass half-full once in a while."
"It's kind of an important imperfection!"
"So is being beastly big and overweight," Chouji grumbled, looking pointedly away. "You're a lot more attractive, and---and that has to account for something."
"Apparently nothing..."
Chouji pinched the bridge of his nose. "So show me."
Shikamaru looked over at Chouji like he had lost his mind. "You’re not serious...."
"I showed you mine. It's like the playground rule, Shika."
"Feh....fine..." he grumbled as he undid his zipper again and dropped his pants. He looked down seeing the tip of his tattoo showing past the top of his boxers. This was embarrassing. He kept his hand on the waistband of his boxers. He still hadn't dropped them yet.
"You are such a woman," Chouji said, smothering a laugh. "I mean, seriously. I pulled my pants without a second thought, and here you are all whiny and shy. Geeze."
He averted his eyes to the wall and dropped them. "There...shit...." he said, as he leaned and pulled them back up.
Chouji eyed him, and then shook his head. "Okay, so yeah, you're smaller than me, but I've got you by several inches and about a hundred pounds. I'm bigger all around, and---and you looked normal-sized to me, man."
Shikamaru pulled his pants back up and buckled his belt. He sat back down on the bed, arms crossed, frown on his face.
"You know I don't lie, Shika. Not well, at least," Chouji said, poking his upper-arm. "It's not something to worry about."
"I feel inadequate..."
"So do I," he said, shrugging.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "You don't have anyone else for her to compare you to..."
"I know that, but I still feel...bad. I'm too slow for her, too clumsy. I've got love---love ledges. Not handles; I graduated from love handles at age ten. So yeah, I know what you mean when you say you feel inadequate."
"You are missing my point."
"You had one?"
"Shit Chouji....I'm not the only one she's ever been with...."
"You're the only one she's ever stayed with," Chouji pointed out, and sat back down on his bed. He pulled out his knitting, because he was going to go absolutely batty if he didn't keep his hands busy that very moment.
"That doesn't mean the sex was good...." he pouted. "I meant on my half...."
"Ever tried asking her?" he asked, pulling out orange yarn. "You know Temari would be honest."
"That may take a while....I guess I could....still doesn't make me feel any better..."
Chouji gave him a long look, and then said, quietly "Come over here."
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and looked at him confused. He walked up to Chouji. "What?"
Chouji jerked him down by his collar, and put a floppy-eared, bright orange cobb hat on his head before he could resist. It had a large pom-pom on it, which bobbed energetically. "This is a manly hat, imbued with my own manliness. I knitted it myself."
"I hate you...." he said rolling his eyes.
"It's cunning, ain't it?" Chouji said, cracking a grin. "Eh, never mind. You probably don't get the joke."
Shikamaru threw the hat down from off his head, and in Chouji's lap. "Orange isn't my color."
Chouji sighed, picking it up and settling it over his own lionlike mess of mane. "...it'll keep your ears warm. Or something."
"Orange is for whisker boy....I like green...."
"If I knitted you a Super Masculine Jayne Hat in green, would you wear it and let it assuage your penis problems?" Chouji asked, tilting his head to the side.
He grumbled crossing his arms again. "Feh..."
"That's a yes, then," he grinned, and dove into his yarn basket. "These hats only take me, like, three hours to do. They're easy. I knitted some for Dad and Chouichi for Christmas."
"Well I suppose you'll make Ino a good housewife someday..."
Chouji chuckled. "And you know what, being okay with that makes me masculine. I've always been the mom around here, so...it's okay with me."
I finished your hat, by the way. I think it’s sweet. Very green. Very manly. Even the pompom is excessively masculine.
Just be yourself, buddy. I don’t think anyone cares about that either way. It’s you I like, if that’s any consolation. It probably isn’t, but still. I think the same is true for ‘her’.
((Warnings: boys being boys and genitalia jokes. Tell me someone gets the thing with the hat. Please. I don’t want to feel like that much of a geek. I don’t watch too much of the Sci-Fi channel, I swear D:))
Shikamaru walked up to Chouji's door and knocked. When he received no answer he walked in the house and up to Chouji's room and headed on into his room as if he lived there. He sat down on the bed, "We need to talk."
Chouji had been digging through a basket of yarn when Shikamaru came in---as if he owned the place, which was no surprise whatsoever; they basically shared homes, and that was all there was to it. He set it aside, slightly embarrassed, and said "Sure. What's up?"
"Damn women...." he simply said.
Chouji quietly buried his knitting needles in the bottom of the basket, setting it for later. Shikamaru looked twitchy and serious, and that meant he was about to explode in a major way. "That's not anything new. Again, what's up?"
"Nothing apparently according to Temari."
"Wait..." Chouji blinked. "You were being witty there, and I missed it. What?"
Shikamaru narrowed his eyes at Chouji, a still serious look on his face. "Do you people need a microscope or something damn..."
"If you don't spill right now, I'm going to take you to the kitchen and make you eat something," Chouji said soberly. "You don't want that now, do you?"
"She said I was small damn it!"
Again, Chouji blinked. "You're not that short. You're taller than her now, even!"
Shikamaru gritted his teeth and said in a low voice, "Not that Chouji."
It took a moment of thought for that particular comment to sink in, but it obviously dawned on him. "...oh...well...it's...it's not a bad thing, is it?" Chouji asked, a little hopelessly.
Shikamaru grumbled again. "I'm not answering that...you should...just...oh fuck it."
"What, it can't be that small," he said, trying to be supportive and helpful and failing. "I mean...right? Size isn't everything."
"Fuck that shit Chouji...whatever..." he said crossing his arms.
"Well, what the hell am I supposed to say?"
"Nothing....apparently nothing...."
Chouji threw up his hands. "Why are you bitching at me? I'm NOT the Penis Fairy! I can't change it."
"I guess I'm just lousy all the way around...."
"You aren't lousy, moron," he huffed, rolling his eyes. "She wouldn't have put up with you if size was a huge issue. Uh. No pun intended."
"Then how the hell did it get brought up...."
"You brought it up. This is not something I think about on the day-to-day."
Shikamaru grumbled and laid back on the bed, looking up. "I brought it up because...damn it...I'm not that small am I?" he said looking over to Chouji.
"And how should I know?" he asked with one arched eyebrow. "You think I pay attention?"
"Well shit man how big are you then...."
Chouji colored instantly, making a small, strangled sound. "I-I don't pay attention to it...?"
"Bullshit."
He rubbed his forehead, looking exceptionally bothered. His tattoos nearly blended in with his flushed cheeks. "Are you saying you want to see my dick and compare it to yours?"
Shikamaru turned his head away. "Possibly..."
"Tell me yes or no, man, because I'm not going to whip out Mr. Happy unless you damn well think it's needed," Chouji groused, flushed to the tips of his ears. "Got it?"
"You gave it a name?"
"It was better than the ones Ino was giving it," he said gruffly. "But you're changing the subject."
He huffed, crossing his arms still looking up to the ceiling. "Whatever..."
"So do you want my opinion or not?"
"What...does that mean I have to pull mine out too?"
Flustered, Chouji crossed his arms over his chest. This was, in a word, troublesome. "Do you want to compare, or what?"
"You first."
"On the count of three," Chouji said solemnly, standing up and fiddling with his zipper. "We draw."
"Shit man...you're serious?"
"Think of it like a showdown or some shit like that," he said, trying not to inwardly melt of mortification. "You've seen Westerns. We count to three, and then we draw."
Shikamaru grumbled standing up from the bed. "This is troublesome..." He undid his belt.
Chouji untucked his sweater and undid his zipper, still blushing.
He started to pull his zipper down and paused. "Shit man I can't do this..."
"Then STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT," Chouji growled, not about to admit how embarrassed he was at the moment.
"I'll bitch when my masculinity takes such a low blow..."
"Uh, hello. I'm not that small, and I've got...like...no masculinity besides the fact that I have balls," Chouji said, zipping his jeans back up. "Size doesn't matter."
"Maybe not for you..."
"If size mattered, it would have an effect on our girl-catching skills, right?" He asked, wrinkling a frown. "And if that was the case, I'd have to beat them away with a bat, probably. And---and I obviously have no such bat, or any need for one."
Shikamaru deadpanned crossing his arms. "Well that makes me feel sooo much better...." he said sarcastically.
Chouji was quickly realizing that there was no real way to win this conversation. "...I'm at a loss here, man."
"Apparently I'm long gone..."
Chouji snorted. He couldn't help it. "Maybe 'long's' the wrong adjective."
"Chouji I am going to hit you...you are not helping..."
"Seriously, Shika. Think about how masculine I am, and how good at this whole romance thing I am. You're better at it all any day."
"That's bull...I must be just as lousy in bed as...fuck...nevermind..."
Chouji sighed. This was ridiculous. He knew Shikamaru, and he doubly knew that shock factor was the only way to make him shake this funk. Fine. Dammit. This was the most embarrassing...the things he did for him, honestly.... Chouji rolled his eyes at the ceiling---God help anyone who befriends a genius---unzipping his pants again and wriggling them down over his thighs.
Shikamaru's left eye twitched, and turned his head slightly after seeing more than he ever wanted to of his best friend.
"There. See? Size doesn't equate masculinity," Chouji grumbled, completely redfaced as he rearranged himself and pulled his pants back up. "Jesus, stop moping about genetics."
"Well my genetics suck..."
"I beg to differ."
"Well now seeing more of you than I ever want to, I have my opinion...and I suck..."
"You have this one imperfection and you're all bitchy about it? Geeze man. See the glass half-full once in a while."
"It's kind of an important imperfection!"
"So is being beastly big and overweight," Chouji grumbled, looking pointedly away. "You're a lot more attractive, and---and that has to account for something."
"Apparently nothing..."
Chouji pinched the bridge of his nose. "So show me."
Shikamaru looked over at Chouji like he had lost his mind. "You’re not serious...."
"I showed you mine. It's like the playground rule, Shika."
"Feh....fine..." he grumbled as he undid his zipper again and dropped his pants. He looked down seeing the tip of his tattoo showing past the top of his boxers. This was embarrassing. He kept his hand on the waistband of his boxers. He still hadn't dropped them yet.
"You are such a woman," Chouji said, smothering a laugh. "I mean, seriously. I pulled my pants without a second thought, and here you are all whiny and shy. Geeze."
He averted his eyes to the wall and dropped them. "There...shit...." he said, as he leaned and pulled them back up.
Chouji eyed him, and then shook his head. "Okay, so yeah, you're smaller than me, but I've got you by several inches and about a hundred pounds. I'm bigger all around, and---and you looked normal-sized to me, man."
Shikamaru pulled his pants back up and buckled his belt. He sat back down on the bed, arms crossed, frown on his face.
"You know I don't lie, Shika. Not well, at least," Chouji said, poking his upper-arm. "It's not something to worry about."
"I feel inadequate..."
"So do I," he said, shrugging.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "You don't have anyone else for her to compare you to..."
"I know that, but I still feel...bad. I'm too slow for her, too clumsy. I've got love---love ledges. Not handles; I graduated from love handles at age ten. So yeah, I know what you mean when you say you feel inadequate."
"You are missing my point."
"You had one?"
"Shit Chouji....I'm not the only one she's ever been with...."
"You're the only one she's ever stayed with," Chouji pointed out, and sat back down on his bed. He pulled out his knitting, because he was going to go absolutely batty if he didn't keep his hands busy that very moment.
"That doesn't mean the sex was good...." he pouted. "I meant on my half...."
"Ever tried asking her?" he asked, pulling out orange yarn. "You know Temari would be honest."
"That may take a while....I guess I could....still doesn't make me feel any better..."
Chouji gave him a long look, and then said, quietly "Come over here."
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and looked at him confused. He walked up to Chouji. "What?"
Chouji jerked him down by his collar, and put a floppy-eared, bright orange cobb hat on his head before he could resist. It had a large pom-pom on it, which bobbed energetically. "This is a manly hat, imbued with my own manliness. I knitted it myself."
"I hate you...." he said rolling his eyes.
"It's cunning, ain't it?" Chouji said, cracking a grin. "Eh, never mind. You probably don't get the joke."
Shikamaru threw the hat down from off his head, and in Chouji's lap. "Orange isn't my color."
Chouji sighed, picking it up and settling it over his own lionlike mess of mane. "...it'll keep your ears warm. Or something."
"Orange is for whisker boy....I like green...."
"If I knitted you a Super Masculine Jayne Hat in green, would you wear it and let it assuage your penis problems?" Chouji asked, tilting his head to the side.
He grumbled crossing his arms again. "Feh..."
"That's a yes, then," he grinned, and dove into his yarn basket. "These hats only take me, like, three hours to do. They're easy. I knitted some for Dad and Chouichi for Christmas."
"Well I suppose you'll make Ino a good housewife someday..."
Chouji chuckled. "And you know what, being okay with that makes me masculine. I've always been the mom around here, so...it's okay with me."