transition and planning
It's been a while since I've written much about my transition here. Things have moved past the first initial changes, as of a couple months ago, at least, so updates that more hair was growing, but slowly, were starting to feel redundant.
There are a lot of psychological and preferential changes that are probably very unique to each person who does HRT. For one, I think I fully understand why teenagers... are the way they are. There's a lot going on in my head and in my body right now, most of which I'm not even consciously aware of. It's very exhausting. I sleep, on average, ten hours a night, and feel like I need that much to be able to function properly.
I've been spending my days mostly at home, indoors. There are a number of factors in play, there, but easily the biggest revolves around chest dysphoria. When I first started binding, it was like suddenly I could go out in the world and not have this huge part of my brain be totally centered on the dysphoria.
Lately I've been struggling with the fact that now there is often a lot of dysphoria just from wearing the binder. The constriction around the chest is associated with having the wrong chest. It is probably exacerbated because my shoulders and lats started filling out when I started T and did p90x, so I should probably be using a bigger size binder right now and I don't have one. I usually use the most stretched out binder I have, and it still feels too tight sometimes. I bought new ones right before starting T, and one of those is still brand new in the bag. Derf. I'll find it a good home eventually.
So I spend most of my time at home lately not binding. The problem with that is as soon as I start interacting with people, the anxiety shoots through the roof. I've talked to Edwin about this, and to some extent Dan as well. It's a frustrating place, but it is giving me a lot of motivation to get my top surgery soon.
My goal is about 6 months. I'm waiting until I have 500$ in my paypal for my deposit with Brownstein so I can set a date on my calendar. I'm going to get loans if I have to, but I'm hoping to get a pretty decent tax return, and it's finally time to go harass IHSS to get the money from the last three months I worked for Vanessa -a year ago- (long story), and that should be close to 2 grand, there. So I'm thinking worst case scenario I take out a loan for maybe 4 grand. I'm hoping to stay on unemployment until I've recovered from surgery, then get a good job and work on repaying my debts.
I just honestly feel like this one thing is holding my life back on so many levels. I just want to be able to chill out about it and get on with my life. It's time.
This entry was originally posted at http://replacementparts.dreamwidth.org/30588.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
There are a lot of psychological and preferential changes that are probably very unique to each person who does HRT. For one, I think I fully understand why teenagers... are the way they are. There's a lot going on in my head and in my body right now, most of which I'm not even consciously aware of. It's very exhausting. I sleep, on average, ten hours a night, and feel like I need that much to be able to function properly.
I've been spending my days mostly at home, indoors. There are a number of factors in play, there, but easily the biggest revolves around chest dysphoria. When I first started binding, it was like suddenly I could go out in the world and not have this huge part of my brain be totally centered on the dysphoria.
Lately I've been struggling with the fact that now there is often a lot of dysphoria just from wearing the binder. The constriction around the chest is associated with having the wrong chest. It is probably exacerbated because my shoulders and lats started filling out when I started T and did p90x, so I should probably be using a bigger size binder right now and I don't have one. I usually use the most stretched out binder I have, and it still feels too tight sometimes. I bought new ones right before starting T, and one of those is still brand new in the bag. Derf. I'll find it a good home eventually.
So I spend most of my time at home lately not binding. The problem with that is as soon as I start interacting with people, the anxiety shoots through the roof. I've talked to Edwin about this, and to some extent Dan as well. It's a frustrating place, but it is giving me a lot of motivation to get my top surgery soon.
My goal is about 6 months. I'm waiting until I have 500$ in my paypal for my deposit with Brownstein so I can set a date on my calendar. I'm going to get loans if I have to, but I'm hoping to get a pretty decent tax return, and it's finally time to go harass IHSS to get the money from the last three months I worked for Vanessa -a year ago- (long story), and that should be close to 2 grand, there. So I'm thinking worst case scenario I take out a loan for maybe 4 grand. I'm hoping to stay on unemployment until I've recovered from surgery, then get a good job and work on repaying my debts.
I just honestly feel like this one thing is holding my life back on so many levels. I just want to be able to chill out about it and get on with my life. It's time.
This entry was originally posted at http://replacementparts.dreamwidth.org/30588.html. Please comment there using OpenID.