down hearted
I had such high hopes for this pregnancy. I just wanted to be organized and watch my health and be all into it.
It hasn't worked out that way.
When i found out about Noah's "autism" and had to wait so dang long for confirmation, a little of me died. I was lost in a sea of fear. I couldn't even talk about my unborn child because I thought i'd done an injustice to Noah by becoming pregnant when he needed me most.
Each time my baby would kick, i would mutter "leave me alone, please" and fall into a heap of tears.
I lost so much time.
Now I have Puppps and the itching is literally driving me into depression again. Its not just an irritation....it is a living hell.
I can't even think straight because I am consumed with these thousand bumps on my belly arms and legs. Its like ants taking bites out of you constantly. And to think 71 days more of it?
I hate being out of control. I hate that this pregancy wasn't what I had dreamed.
Its kinda like when the babies get here too. You have this image of a gorgeous situation all fuzzy and dreamy with this little beauty, a little miracle all snuggled up on your breastie and you have this dazed smile and everyone is clean and smells of Johnson's baby lotion. And its peaceful.
WRONG! try no baths for months! Well, not the good soaky kind anyway.
Its hard work. And i am up for it. (i pray) But I get so scared, like if the pregnancy is so difficult what if the baby is too?
Noah was a hard baby. He NEVER snuggled. He never sat still. He was cruising furniture at 6 mos and walking at 7. He skipped crawling. He never wanted to be held for very long. He is my little man about town, but it was exhausting.
So, now i think what if Luke is MORE difficult?
Am I being delusional in thinking/hoping/praying he may be this calm little one?
I'm rambling.
"Where is this coming from Mellie" you ask.
DH will need a second jobber once baby comes. He worked 2 jobs when Noah was 3-4 months old for an entire year and it was SO HARD on me. SO, now i'll have TWO and DH won't be here?? It scares me to death.
Also, I had PPD with Noah and swore i'd never have another baby because it'd mean Noah would be old enough to understand that Mommy isn't nice anymore. But now I am having another and if the PPD comes back? Crud.
I just wanna do the right thing by my kids is all.
I don't wanna mess them up.
Its SO important to me, and yet i feel like I don't have a grasp on it.
Like I have no control.
I hate that feeling....it makes me feel like i'm "done in".
Its my Achille's heel.
It hasn't worked out that way.
When i found out about Noah's "autism" and had to wait so dang long for confirmation, a little of me died. I was lost in a sea of fear. I couldn't even talk about my unborn child because I thought i'd done an injustice to Noah by becoming pregnant when he needed me most.
Each time my baby would kick, i would mutter "leave me alone, please" and fall into a heap of tears.
I lost so much time.
Now I have Puppps and the itching is literally driving me into depression again. Its not just an irritation....it is a living hell.
I can't even think straight because I am consumed with these thousand bumps on my belly arms and legs. Its like ants taking bites out of you constantly. And to think 71 days more of it?
I hate being out of control. I hate that this pregancy wasn't what I had dreamed.
Its kinda like when the babies get here too. You have this image of a gorgeous situation all fuzzy and dreamy with this little beauty, a little miracle all snuggled up on your breastie and you have this dazed smile and everyone is clean and smells of Johnson's baby lotion. And its peaceful.
WRONG! try no baths for months! Well, not the good soaky kind anyway.
Its hard work. And i am up for it. (i pray) But I get so scared, like if the pregnancy is so difficult what if the baby is too?
Noah was a hard baby. He NEVER snuggled. He never sat still. He was cruising furniture at 6 mos and walking at 7. He skipped crawling. He never wanted to be held for very long. He is my little man about town, but it was exhausting.
So, now i think what if Luke is MORE difficult?
Am I being delusional in thinking/hoping/praying he may be this calm little one?
I'm rambling.
"Where is this coming from Mellie" you ask.
DH will need a second jobber once baby comes. He worked 2 jobs when Noah was 3-4 months old for an entire year and it was SO HARD on me. SO, now i'll have TWO and DH won't be here?? It scares me to death.
Also, I had PPD with Noah and swore i'd never have another baby because it'd mean Noah would be old enough to understand that Mommy isn't nice anymore. But now I am having another and if the PPD comes back? Crud.
I just wanna do the right thing by my kids is all.
I don't wanna mess them up.
Its SO important to me, and yet i feel like I don't have a grasp on it.
Like I have no control.
I hate that feeling....it makes me feel like i'm "done in".
Its my Achille's heel.