Thinking...
My confessions to the world:
Because this is a journal and your supposed to be able to vent about personal issues I might as well voice what most people think about my life anways.
The last year and a half has been one of the roughest times ever...from what I even remember of it at least. What most people don't understand about the "Tiffany's lovinh, Hollister wearing, party going" Kim is that I am incredably depressed. For me waking up every morning is a chore. Anyone who has ever known me knows that if I had the choice to just not wake up (basically end my life) one morning , rather than continuing on I would chose the easy way out with out thinking twice about it.
After my introduction to coke my life crumbled right before my eyes. For once I felt happy. When I was high I had a smile on my face. Regardless if the hapiness was atrificial, at least it was there for a while. Before I knew it cocaine was my life. Looking back, I remember Amber telling me that everyime I called her it would be to tell hre that I was going to get an 8 ball, I was high, or I was at work waiting until I got off so I could do some mounds. After about 6 months "Kim the coke head" basically became accepted. If there was 20 people in the room and everyone was doing their own thing, it was just likely that I would be huddled over a CD case doing lines by myself. For a while everything felt alright.
It was not until about a month ago that I started to realize that cocaine isn't an acceptable friend! It was like one day I woek up and found out that I had no best friends, no boyfriend, no mom, no reason for living.
NOW I SEE MY LIFE!
The truth is that through out my whole coke involved episode in ly life I knew what was going on, I knew EVERYTHING! It was like I was watching a movie of my life and watching everything slip away and watching my body deterierating, but I was too far gone...there was nothing I could do about it. Now I can see more than ever why everything happened...why everyone around me left...why I didn't eat for weeks at a time...now everything that everyone ever lectured me about makes sense.
Presently: I have a boyfriend who has changed my life. He is one of the few that stayed with me and made me realize what I was doing to my life. There was a number of people along the way that tryed their hardest to show me the reality of what was going on, but just did not have the will power to stick around long enough to watch me kll myself. As of now I haven't done coke for 6 days, and although that doesn't seem like much, it is a huge step for me. Now It's up to me to find hapiness for myself rather than depending on an $800 a month habbit.
To my friends (past and present): I will never know how it feels to watch your best friend destroy their life, but I understand now why you had to leave. I wish moer than anything I could have shown the appreciation I felt towards all of you more, but it was just not in my ability to do so at the time. I never thought I would see the day that I chose drugs over the people I love most in my life, but I did and now I am realizing the consequences.
One setp at a time I am going to try and pick up in a way and start my life over in a positive way. It has already been harder than I would have ever imagined. Two nights ago I tryed to replace coke with valume,,,and long story short, ODed and my boyfriend had to look over his girlfriend laying in his bed with her eyes rolled back in her head with no pulse. Amber has seen similar times with coke...staying uo until 5 in the morning with me helping me breath. I CAN"T DO THAT ANYMORE! It is finally time for me to take control of my own life and admit all the things that I just did. All I can say to everyone is I am deeply deeply sorry and from here on out I will do my best to live healthy and stay on track.
-Kim
Because this is a journal and your supposed to be able to vent about personal issues I might as well voice what most people think about my life anways.
The last year and a half has been one of the roughest times ever...from what I even remember of it at least. What most people don't understand about the "Tiffany's lovinh, Hollister wearing, party going" Kim is that I am incredably depressed. For me waking up every morning is a chore. Anyone who has ever known me knows that if I had the choice to just not wake up (basically end my life) one morning , rather than continuing on I would chose the easy way out with out thinking twice about it.
After my introduction to coke my life crumbled right before my eyes. For once I felt happy. When I was high I had a smile on my face. Regardless if the hapiness was atrificial, at least it was there for a while. Before I knew it cocaine was my life. Looking back, I remember Amber telling me that everyime I called her it would be to tell hre that I was going to get an 8 ball, I was high, or I was at work waiting until I got off so I could do some mounds. After about 6 months "Kim the coke head" basically became accepted. If there was 20 people in the room and everyone was doing their own thing, it was just likely that I would be huddled over a CD case doing lines by myself. For a while everything felt alright.
It was not until about a month ago that I started to realize that cocaine isn't an acceptable friend! It was like one day I woek up and found out that I had no best friends, no boyfriend, no mom, no reason for living.
NOW I SEE MY LIFE!
The truth is that through out my whole coke involved episode in ly life I knew what was going on, I knew EVERYTHING! It was like I was watching a movie of my life and watching everything slip away and watching my body deterierating, but I was too far gone...there was nothing I could do about it. Now I can see more than ever why everything happened...why everyone around me left...why I didn't eat for weeks at a time...now everything that everyone ever lectured me about makes sense.
Presently: I have a boyfriend who has changed my life. He is one of the few that stayed with me and made me realize what I was doing to my life. There was a number of people along the way that tryed their hardest to show me the reality of what was going on, but just did not have the will power to stick around long enough to watch me kll myself. As of now I haven't done coke for 6 days, and although that doesn't seem like much, it is a huge step for me. Now It's up to me to find hapiness for myself rather than depending on an $800 a month habbit.
To my friends (past and present): I will never know how it feels to watch your best friend destroy their life, but I understand now why you had to leave. I wish moer than anything I could have shown the appreciation I felt towards all of you more, but it was just not in my ability to do so at the time. I never thought I would see the day that I chose drugs over the people I love most in my life, but I did and now I am realizing the consequences.
One setp at a time I am going to try and pick up in a way and start my life over in a positive way. It has already been harder than I would have ever imagined. Two nights ago I tryed to replace coke with valume,,,and long story short, ODed and my boyfriend had to look over his girlfriend laying in his bed with her eyes rolled back in her head with no pulse. Amber has seen similar times with coke...staying uo until 5 in the morning with me helping me breath. I CAN"T DO THAT ANYMORE! It is finally time for me to take control of my own life and admit all the things that I just did. All I can say to everyone is I am deeply deeply sorry and from here on out I will do my best to live healthy and stay on track.
-Kim