(no subject)
Do you ever think that life is simply a big chain of lies and disappointment? Life is just a lie, for the most part. Not necessarily a lie, rather, a deception. You go through life finding yourself, or attempting to do so. I imprudently assume I have everything figured out. But rest assured, my wreck into reality will come forth soon. Perhaps it has already hit, and I just haven’t felt the impact. Perhaps this is the collision right now. I’m at that point, where I am so sure of who I am and who I’m going to be that I really don’t know anymore. Our futures have so many bugs and glitches notched into the road we travel that it’s hard not to give up our future all together. I feel like there are two sides of me, maybe more. Lately I have been a cynical, sarcastically rude person. I’d love to have life fly by me for a second so I can see where I’ll end up. I’d like to change a few things in my life, if I could start over. Wait, no. I’d like to change everything. And I mean everything in the most literal way possible. If I could do it again with the knowledge I have now my life would be my own. People are used to being controlled by other people, a mistake we often make. This world is so chock-full of tools. Hardly anyone has thoughts of their own, nobody challenges the rules, and nobody breaks the system. Why is this? I’ll tell you why, it’s because we listen to our parents and teachers a bit too much. They teach us that their way is the way, and by challenging the rules we are ensuring ourselves a seat in hell. A lot of these flighty little SJA mothafuckers need to grow a brain and create a few ideas. Notice I said create. And by create I mean mold, build, and construct. What I did not say, is inherit. That is what we should not do. Just because your parents did this doesn’t mean you have to too. Exact ideas shouldn’t be passed down. But as rebellious as we’d like to be, when it comes to it alot of us simply let ourselves be owned. Our parents, friends, teachers, and school seem control us often. Think about it, alot of these things determine our moods. My parents ban me from everything, food and water aside. My friends can put me up or down with the simplest things. And relationships can affect our whole outlook on life. Relationships bring drama. But drama aside, we need them. And we all know it’s true. They’re endlessly tricky. The timing is always off, and the setting is never on. Sometimes it seems that the only way to start a good relationship is by staging it. But you can’t stage your feelings. No matter how hard we try to write ourselves a 100 page screenplay for our affairs, they come when they want to and don’t leave till they’re done building or breaking the place. I’d like to say I don’t have feelings. But of course I have a little emotion, somewhere in there. And even that little bottle of emotion plays a big part in my seemingly meaningless life. It’s almost worth giggling over; when I think about the amount of time we waste on fake and oblivious relationships. That’s why I don’t often take part in them. But that’s not all. There are two things about relationships that scare me; I don’t want a shady lie of a relationship, and I don’t want a long, futureless relationship. Commitment isn’t a strength of mine. I can hold on for a little bit, but then that train rolls on down the line, and takes me with it. I need to find somebody like me, somebody who thinks like I do. But that’s damn near impossible, since I am insanely strange. But I must admit that it’s not so much relationships we strive for. In all actuality it’s for attention. Not the selfish spotlight attention. But most of us just want to be liked by somebody. Not many people have ever actually “liked” me, but even the few times it happened my day was made. And that’s just an awesome feeling. Well, I’ll finish this long rant that wont be read by anyone later. The sad thing is that I never actually got to the point of this post. Oh well.
Chelsea-Layne