i'm sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm cleanin' out my closet.
This isnt being written for my mum, but the emotions of this song seem to mimic how I feel about a lot of things right now.
With the close of 2009, and my plans and hopes that I can start a lot of new things and new chapters of my life in 2010, I keep getting this overwhelming urge to purge all the negativity from my mind. It's better out than in right?
If you dont want to read any of this, I'll totally understand, I'm just using this as a way to clean out my closet so I dont take any of the negativity with me into the new year. The first issue I seem to have relates to friendships. It seems to be something I fail miserably at. Maybe I need to go into therapy or counseling, because all I can determine is that I am the constant in all of these failed equations. Is my vision of friendship completely wrong? So messed up that I am sabotaging any opportunity that I have of real friends? I guess it's hard when 99% of those you consider friends are in another state or another city, hell even another country. I just always thought that friendship was a two way street. That you gained (emotionally and lovingly and fullfilment wise) simply by giving. I've never wanted anything more in return from my friendship than companionship. Someone to acknowledge my existence. Those who have followed this journal for long enough will know I would give everything I had and then some for my friends. I mean if consequently the result of being a good friend cost me my home, I dont think I could necessarily be considered a bad friend. Maybe i'm somewhat stupid, gullible. Im generous to a fault. But why is it there I never seem to encounter people who dont jump on the bandwagon of taking advantage of that? I would trade in all 200-300 followers/friends/aquaintences for just one. Just one genuine friend.Someone who just wakes up one day and says "Hey, I havent heard from Sally in a while, I wonder what she's up to?" Then gives me a call.
I've discovered that the only time I hear from most people, is when they have felt guilty when I've shared my emotions, or if they want something. But what happens when I have nothing left to give? I dont own the big house anymore, I dont have the spare rooms and sofas for people to stay over in. We're not the DINKs we used to be, when we were able to take friends out to dinner, or for drinks, and we'd cover the tab. The only calls I get these days are wrong numbers. It's not even worth my time having an actual phone line.
I think the reason im choking on all of this right now, is because I know that once I step on that plan in April, to head back to Scotland, it will be as though I never existed here in the first place.
I will have been erased.
I can think of nothing more emotionally crushing.
Thats really all i've got to say tonight, I need to get up in 4 hours for work, and I'm getting a bit too upset to remain coherent.
This isnt being written for my mum, but the emotions of this song seem to mimic how I feel about a lot of things right now.
With the close of 2009, and my plans and hopes that I can start a lot of new things and new chapters of my life in 2010, I keep getting this overwhelming urge to purge all the negativity from my mind. It's better out than in right?
If you dont want to read any of this, I'll totally understand, I'm just using this as a way to clean out my closet so I dont take any of the negativity with me into the new year. The first issue I seem to have relates to friendships. It seems to be something I fail miserably at. Maybe I need to go into therapy or counseling, because all I can determine is that I am the constant in all of these failed equations. Is my vision of friendship completely wrong? So messed up that I am sabotaging any opportunity that I have of real friends? I guess it's hard when 99% of those you consider friends are in another state or another city, hell even another country. I just always thought that friendship was a two way street. That you gained (emotionally and lovingly and fullfilment wise) simply by giving. I've never wanted anything more in return from my friendship than companionship. Someone to acknowledge my existence. Those who have followed this journal for long enough will know I would give everything I had and then some for my friends. I mean if consequently the result of being a good friend cost me my home, I dont think I could necessarily be considered a bad friend. Maybe i'm somewhat stupid, gullible. Im generous to a fault. But why is it there I never seem to encounter people who dont jump on the bandwagon of taking advantage of that? I would trade in all 200-300 followers/friends/aquaintences for just one. Just one genuine friend.Someone who just wakes up one day and says "Hey, I havent heard from Sally in a while, I wonder what she's up to?" Then gives me a call.
I've discovered that the only time I hear from most people, is when they have felt guilty when I've shared my emotions, or if they want something. But what happens when I have nothing left to give? I dont own the big house anymore, I dont have the spare rooms and sofas for people to stay over in. We're not the DINKs we used to be, when we were able to take friends out to dinner, or for drinks, and we'd cover the tab. The only calls I get these days are wrong numbers. It's not even worth my time having an actual phone line.
I think the reason im choking on all of this right now, is because I know that once I step on that plan in April, to head back to Scotland, it will be as though I never existed here in the first place.
I will have been erased.
I can think of nothing more emotionally crushing.
Thats really all i've got to say tonight, I need to get up in 4 hours for work, and I'm getting a bit too upset to remain coherent.