Wanted: A loving home for my new child
Made from felt, scraps of plaid cotton, a thrifted green bathrobe and stuffing. Oh, and rice.
This is a gift for my best friend, who graduated this year and is moving to another city to begin her first job! She likes funny/fat things, so here is my best attempt at both. Hahaha, I know it's totally stupid! That's the fun. :D
One boy,
Boy for sale.
He's going cheap.
Only seven guineas.
That -- or thereabouts.
Small boy...
Rather pale...
From lack of sleep.
Feed him gruel dinners.
Stop him getting stout.
If I should say he wasn't very greedy...
I could not, I'd be telling you a tale.
One boy,
Boy for sale.
Come take a peep.
Have you ever seen as
Nice
A boy
For sale.
The House of Dragon is an ancient and arrogant lineage. The Spartans of the Reptile Race, the Dragons prize and pursue perfection in all that they do, and especially in how they look. Turtlissimo Tortoimus Draconius is the second child of the Leozardo and I, his mother, Dragonia Petunia "Kinkykat" Draconius. "Turtlie's" older brother Leozardo Magnifico Draconius is a fine specimen of the noble, haughty features dragons call their own. Turtlie's father angrily declares that such a nasty little brat as Turtlie cannot possibly be related to himself, as his body is burger-shaped and his head a misshapen tennis ball. Moreover, Turtlie's snooty older brother Zardo points out that Turtlie will never pass the physical inspection on his fifth birthday, because his body simply is not built for majestic flight. His chubby baby feet have no claws to speak of, Turtlie's general appearance is one of amicable gentleness, and his meek little tail will provide no leverage as his flight rudder.
Turtlie's chief embarrassment is his flying apparatus. Flimsy, soft, and constructed (to his great horror!) of baby-blues plaid, his cousins often remind him that they are heart-shaped, leading them to derisively call my precious offspring "Bumblebee." To a doting mother's heart, they are the most precious little wingsies I have ever seen. But I tremble at the thought of how he will be shredded to pieces by the cruel, unforgiving talons of the scaliest lizards known to the planet. His imperfections are my affections, but alas!
I can only beseech of you, my dear childhood playmate, to consider the fond memories we both share and to accept my hasty tendering of my darling child into your care. I know your own children, Maximus Oink and - what is the new baby's name? Gweneth Genevieve? The chubby little blue dino with the endearingly large head - will eagerly accept my darling Turtlie as one of them. Ah, you have no idea how often I sigh over my illustrious, yet loveless marriage! But I am trapped. The Dragons know no divorce. Only death.
If only I could have seen beyond the lure of money to follow my heart, perhaps Turtlie would not have to suffer thus today. Oh, my child's sufferings are all his mother's fault. Our castle may be a large one, but it is a cold one without love to warm the stone floors.
Often my guilt overtakes me to the degree that I cannot deny my boy the sweeties and snackaroos he craves. My indulgence has only furthered his body image issues, and when I look at him I feel that I have failed to do right by him. You are my last hope.
Turtlie possesses none of the haughty characteristics and attitudes so dearly treasured by the Dragons, but his very faults are his charm. It is true that he is somewhat crooked and twisted, but it only makes him all the more adorable and unique in my eyes.
He asks only to be loved, and in return will give you his heart, which I assure you is as large as his body.
Ever most affectionately yours,
Petunia
P.S. Pardon the dark pictures. I had to snap these hastily under cover of twilight lest his father find out that I am sending him away and in his anger, eat him for dinner.
[No longer] Vital Statistics
Age: Four
Height: Below average
Weight: Lovable
Wing span: 5.5 inches
Tail length: 3.6 inches
Kill count: 0
Deǝr ɐUnTee OɯıbıA,
hı iʍ ʇuRt1e. ʎɯ mOmy saʎ U ɯıLL ıOve Mɐ A ı ıot.
Dictated: "I can't write any more than that. Thank you for giving me a home. I just want to grow up and love my mommy and not have Daddy eat me. Mommy let me watch a movie tonight and I will sing you this song when I get to your house."
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true
This is a gift for my best friend, who graduated this year and is moving to another city to begin her first job! She likes funny/fat things, so here is my best attempt at both. Hahaha, I know it's totally stupid! That's the fun. :D
One boy,
Boy for sale.
He's going cheap.
Only seven guineas.
That -- or thereabouts.
Small boy...
Rather pale...
From lack of sleep.
Feed him gruel dinners.
Stop him getting stout.
If I should say he wasn't very greedy...
I could not, I'd be telling you a tale.
One boy,
Boy for sale.
Come take a peep.
Have you ever seen as
Nice
A boy
For sale.
The House of Dragon is an ancient and arrogant lineage. The Spartans of the Reptile Race, the Dragons prize and pursue perfection in all that they do, and especially in how they look. Turtlissimo Tortoimus Draconius is the second child of the Leozardo and I, his mother, Dragonia Petunia "Kinkykat" Draconius. "Turtlie's" older brother Leozardo Magnifico Draconius is a fine specimen of the noble, haughty features dragons call their own. Turtlie's father angrily declares that such a nasty little brat as Turtlie cannot possibly be related to himself, as his body is burger-shaped and his head a misshapen tennis ball. Moreover, Turtlie's snooty older brother Zardo points out that Turtlie will never pass the physical inspection on his fifth birthday, because his body simply is not built for majestic flight. His chubby baby feet have no claws to speak of, Turtlie's general appearance is one of amicable gentleness, and his meek little tail will provide no leverage as his flight rudder.
Turtlie's chief embarrassment is his flying apparatus. Flimsy, soft, and constructed (to his great horror!) of baby-blues plaid, his cousins often remind him that they are heart-shaped, leading them to derisively call my precious offspring "Bumblebee." To a doting mother's heart, they are the most precious little wingsies I have ever seen. But I tremble at the thought of how he will be shredded to pieces by the cruel, unforgiving talons of the scaliest lizards known to the planet. His imperfections are my affections, but alas!
I can only beseech of you, my dear childhood playmate, to consider the fond memories we both share and to accept my hasty tendering of my darling child into your care. I know your own children, Maximus Oink and - what is the new baby's name? Gweneth Genevieve? The chubby little blue dino with the endearingly large head - will eagerly accept my darling Turtlie as one of them. Ah, you have no idea how often I sigh over my illustrious, yet loveless marriage! But I am trapped. The Dragons know no divorce. Only death.
If only I could have seen beyond the lure of money to follow my heart, perhaps Turtlie would not have to suffer thus today. Oh, my child's sufferings are all his mother's fault. Our castle may be a large one, but it is a cold one without love to warm the stone floors.
Often my guilt overtakes me to the degree that I cannot deny my boy the sweeties and snackaroos he craves. My indulgence has only furthered his body image issues, and when I look at him I feel that I have failed to do right by him. You are my last hope.
Turtlie possesses none of the haughty characteristics and attitudes so dearly treasured by the Dragons, but his very faults are his charm. It is true that he is somewhat crooked and twisted, but it only makes him all the more adorable and unique in my eyes.
He asks only to be loved, and in return will give you his heart, which I assure you is as large as his body.
Ever most affectionately yours,
Petunia
P.S. Pardon the dark pictures. I had to snap these hastily under cover of twilight lest his father find out that I am sending him away and in his anger, eat him for dinner.
[No longer] Vital Statistics
Age: Four
Height: Below average
Weight: Lovable
Wing span: 5.5 inches
Tail length: 3.6 inches
Kill count: 0
Deǝr ɐUnTee OɯıbıA,
hı iʍ ʇuRt1e. ʎɯ mOmy saʎ U ɯıLL ıOve Mɐ A ı ıot.
Dictated: "I can't write any more than that. Thank you for giving me a home. I just want to grow up and love my mommy and not have Daddy eat me. Mommy let me watch a movie tonight and I will sing you this song when I get to your house."
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true
And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true