(no subject)
I was present for another beautiful sermon today from Pastor Elizabeth at the Messiah United Methodist Church. The head pastor read from Revelations, and then Beth talked about God making all things new. Not all new things, but ALL things NEW. That he restores and renews.
And I suddenly had this fleeting vision of Brian(na) up in Heaven as some half-man, half-woman freak, even more fierce and beautiful than ever. I saw this new Brian(na) and was filled with joy. S/he/zie smiled and greeted me, and went on to proclaim the beauty of the world, and of every person, ever. And then Pastor Beth went on to talk about Detroit, a city that God had not given up on and has not given up on still, about working for the homeless, and I was reminded as I often am that I want to be her when I grow up.
Brian's death is still to me like a mathematical impossibility, like 6+6=1. There was so much left for him to do, it seems so wrong and unfair that he'll never do these things. It's like I woke up to this new world with wrong math that simply could not BE. But it remains, and every day I am faced with this horrible unreality. You cannot fight math. You can only work through it. In this new world in which 6+6=1, the whole system needs to change around it. If 6+6=1, then maybe 5x5=5 and 30-1=9. Well, we're missing something. So now what will happen to 1+1? Can it exist? Or 11+11? All these ones will be so lonely. But we have to find a way. Maybe all these ones together can make something even bigger.
Ok, brain is kind of mush. It's bed time. I didn't sleep well last week at all.
Brian, you didn't finish. Now we have to. The math may be different but we'll figure it out. <3
And I suddenly had this fleeting vision of Brian(na) up in Heaven as some half-man, half-woman freak, even more fierce and beautiful than ever. I saw this new Brian(na) and was filled with joy. S/he/zie smiled and greeted me, and went on to proclaim the beauty of the world, and of every person, ever. And then Pastor Beth went on to talk about Detroit, a city that God had not given up on and has not given up on still, about working for the homeless, and I was reminded as I often am that I want to be her when I grow up.
Brian's death is still to me like a mathematical impossibility, like 6+6=1. There was so much left for him to do, it seems so wrong and unfair that he'll never do these things. It's like I woke up to this new world with wrong math that simply could not BE. But it remains, and every day I am faced with this horrible unreality. You cannot fight math. You can only work through it. In this new world in which 6+6=1, the whole system needs to change around it. If 6+6=1, then maybe 5x5=5 and 30-1=9. Well, we're missing something. So now what will happen to 1+1? Can it exist? Or 11+11? All these ones will be so lonely. But we have to find a way. Maybe all these ones together can make something even bigger.
Ok, brain is kind of mush. It's bed time. I didn't sleep well last week at all.
Brian, you didn't finish. Now we have to. The math may be different but we'll figure it out. <3