Easter
So, in church today the pastor asked at the end if we were willing to suffer for Christ as he suffered for us.
And I kind of realized, maybe I didn't fail at Lent. I mean, sure, I feel like crap now. I feel abandoned by all but one of my friends, I feel like I can't really talk to anyone. And I set out trying to give up conflict of all things. Well, maybe not conflict, but at least resentment and toward those that I actually do (friends) or should (my mom) care about. (I kind of wanted to give up anger, but that's impossible. How you deal with anger is more important.) Rather than someone concrete and measurable, I decided that since going without meat or chocolate or whatever was simple and easy, I'd challenge myself and try to work out conflicts. Give up resentment. Well. I didn't email my mom with that long list of confessions. I didn't fix things with two of my friends. I TRIED to fix things with one, and everything was ok for about a month. Then it crashed and burned, tho I don't actually feel like I did something wrong that constitutes being responsible for the second (and final) rift between us.
So the last couple weeks of Lent were nothing but conflict. Inner conflict, outer conflicts, straight-up fury on my part.
Well, last week, I pretty much broke down. I was on my own, had no one I felt I could talk to, and then when someone actually seemed to care I just fell apart and started crying. Spent the next day crying. The entire day, from the time I woke up til I went to bed, just cried and cried. Thank God it was Saturday.
But today I'm thinking back to high school. One of my teachers told us, "We only have conflicts with those we love." I told that to a friend of mine a couple of years later and he said, "Tell that to Israel." Ha. Good point, man.
On the other hand, even if we acknowledge that sometimes we fight with people we care nothing about, any time we fight, really fight, it's at least BECAUSE of love. The people in Israel and Gaza fight for the same reason: the loved ones that they've lost or the land that they love that they feel is theirs. We are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan because of a love for ourselves and a love for our fellow citizens. Maybe even a love of country.
Maybe the most important thing in life, that which gives our lives meaning, is having something that we are willing to suffer and maybe even die for. Justice, faith, love, whatever. Life has meaning when something becomes more important than our selves.
I gave myself an impossible goal out of a love for God. I didn't want to sacrifice something simple and easy, I wanted to grow and be a stronger, better person in His name. Well, I don't think I'm any stronger right now, but I really did suffer a lot because I tried to something tough out of faith and good will. I didn't carry a cross or get nailed to one, I didn't feel physical pain (except for my @#$%!ing ankle), but I lost/gave up some of the most important things to me.
So maybe I didn't fail at Lent as much as I thought. And even if things are miserable now and I'm so often on the verge of crying and breaking down again, I'm a good Christian, or at least getting closer.
Anyway, time to go practice.
And I kind of realized, maybe I didn't fail at Lent. I mean, sure, I feel like crap now. I feel abandoned by all but one of my friends, I feel like I can't really talk to anyone. And I set out trying to give up conflict of all things. Well, maybe not conflict, but at least resentment and toward those that I actually do (friends) or should (my mom) care about. (I kind of wanted to give up anger, but that's impossible. How you deal with anger is more important.) Rather than someone concrete and measurable, I decided that since going without meat or chocolate or whatever was simple and easy, I'd challenge myself and try to work out conflicts. Give up resentment. Well. I didn't email my mom with that long list of confessions. I didn't fix things with two of my friends. I TRIED to fix things with one, and everything was ok for about a month. Then it crashed and burned, tho I don't actually feel like I did something wrong that constitutes being responsible for the second (and final) rift between us.
So the last couple weeks of Lent were nothing but conflict. Inner conflict, outer conflicts, straight-up fury on my part.
Well, last week, I pretty much broke down. I was on my own, had no one I felt I could talk to, and then when someone actually seemed to care I just fell apart and started crying. Spent the next day crying. The entire day, from the time I woke up til I went to bed, just cried and cried. Thank God it was Saturday.
But today I'm thinking back to high school. One of my teachers told us, "We only have conflicts with those we love." I told that to a friend of mine a couple of years later and he said, "Tell that to Israel." Ha. Good point, man.
On the other hand, even if we acknowledge that sometimes we fight with people we care nothing about, any time we fight, really fight, it's at least BECAUSE of love. The people in Israel and Gaza fight for the same reason: the loved ones that they've lost or the land that they love that they feel is theirs. We are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan because of a love for ourselves and a love for our fellow citizens. Maybe even a love of country.
Maybe the most important thing in life, that which gives our lives meaning, is having something that we are willing to suffer and maybe even die for. Justice, faith, love, whatever. Life has meaning when something becomes more important than our selves.
I gave myself an impossible goal out of a love for God. I didn't want to sacrifice something simple and easy, I wanted to grow and be a stronger, better person in His name. Well, I don't think I'm any stronger right now, but I really did suffer a lot because I tried to something tough out of faith and good will. I didn't carry a cross or get nailed to one, I didn't feel physical pain (except for my @#$%!ing ankle), but I lost/gave up some of the most important things to me.
So maybe I didn't fail at Lent as much as I thought. And even if things are miserable now and I'm so often on the verge of crying and breaking down again, I'm a good Christian, or at least getting closer.
Anyway, time to go practice.