Back from the dead, didn't stop to shop
What can I say? This LJ prompt triggered an amazing horror fill and inspired this little crack fic.
Kurt's dead. Finn knows this. He was at the hospital when the doctor told them, he was at the funeral when Blaine fixed Kurt's hair in the coffin because it was styled wrong, he saw them put the coffin in the ground. So how was Kurt sitting on Finn's bed a week after his funeral, holding two mugs of warm milk like nothing had happened?
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″I'm sorry. It was acute food poisoning.″ Finn remembers the doctor saying that. He remembers how they and Blaine spent hours picking out the perfect outfit and how Blaine fixed Kurt's hair in the coffin because it was styled wrong. He remembers seeing Rachel slipping a package of gold stars into the coffin with Kurt. He remembers all the people at the funeral who cried for Kurt. He remembers Karofsky sitting alone in the back, his face shining with tears the few times he lifted it. He remembers the coffin being lowered into the ground. He remembers Burt not being able to drop the handful of earth.
″Here, you look like you need it.″ It was Kurt, dressed in his funeral outfit, with only a few threads hanging and the smallest of dirt smudges. It was Kurt's sideways smirk when he'd said something particularly dry, that always softened for Finn.
″Kurt, you're...″ He grabbed Kurt as hard as he could, expecting him to vanish, but instead it was Kurt fitting just right in a brotherly hug, the way he always had.
Kurt raised an eyebrow. ″Alive? Well, more undead.″
Finn most emphatically did not shriek. He just hit a high note. Especially when Kurt made a dramatic sweeping a cape around himself gesture and bared fangs. Actual, real, live, well, no, undead Kurt fangs.
Finn most emphatically did not run to lock himself in the closet. He just remembered that he'd forgotten something that was in there. He was just telling himself that maybe gay vampire dudes couldn't get into closets when he heard a liquid sound. After first checking his pants, he saw that it was a light-colored puddle forming from a stream coming under the door. It then formed back into Kurt.
″Relax, Finn, I don't drink blood.″
″Uh?″
″I died of food poisoning from milk that had gone bad. So now, I've come back as a milk-sucking vampire.″ He shrugged. ″Hide your cows, Kurtacula has come to town.″ He shuddered, ″At least I don't have to go around biting girls' necks. Because really, can't you imagine Rachel stopping a vampire from biting by explaining so loudly that it would be bad for her voice that the vampire ran away?″ He finished his milk.
Finn could, kind of. As if he didn't have enough nightmare material what with his brother being a milk-sucking vampire. Time to change the subject. ″So, uh, are you thirsty? I got milk just yesterday.″
Kurt looked pensive. ″I think I want the hard stuff.″ The two of them walked down to the kitchen. Kurt headed straight for the freezer, took out a pint of ice cream, and bit into it. In less then a minute, the carton was a flat lump of cardboard and Kurt looked remarkably satisfied. ″Wait till I tell Sue Sylvester that I can have all the ice cream I want and can't gain an ounce from it.″
″So why didn't you come back earlier?″ Finn demanded. Now that he had time to process things, he was furious that Kurt kept them suffering so long. It's not like Kurt had even gone shopping, since he was still wearing what he wore at the funeral. They knew that time lost all meaning for Kurt during sales.
″I had to wait until all the milk from that batch had expired before I could return from the dead.″ He looked at his nails idly and then at Finn and his face softened again. ″I would have come back to you immediately if I could have.″ He squeezed Finn's hand. ″I also told you first because, some screaming and hiding in closets aside, I thought you'd be the one who would adjust first.″ Finn considered this and figured that yeah, he had adjusted. ″That way, you can tell Dad and Carole.″ Kurt held up a warning hand. ″And not by shouting out, 'Mom, Burt, Kurt's back as a milk-sucking vampire, we need to get more milk now.'″ Finn looked at Kurt sidelong and Kurt shrugged again. ″No, I didn't develop mind-reading abilities as a vampire, I just know my own brother.″