Still Here, healthy and frustrated
Health wise I have improved greatly, its nice to not feel like grim death again. Going to try my best to keep from getting sick for as long as I can. Even still, this winter is going much better than the last one did, even if my system is stressed its not as stressed.
There were a few sleep issues this weekend, but I think they may have blown past for the moment. About midway Saturday, I hit an anti social phase, where my introversion is heightened and my patience for the human race at an all time low. Had to cut errands short and go home because of it, but I still did get out a lot this weekend, which I do need to do every now and then and hadn't been able to since my return to Baltimore.
Disconnect from religion still ongoing, still a bit amazed at how many other areas of life suffer for it. Had one rather disheartening ritual experience earlier in the week, (probably) over reacted from it, have since calmed down to some degree or another. But with all the shit that has gotten in the way, the major transition and fallout from that, I don't think things will be quite as simple as I might like them to be, not a simple matter of snapping my fingers and having everything be straightened out like that.
Getting readings done, trying to listen to my own gut as fractured and malfunctioning as it currently is. Time is likely a factor, though I wonder if some sort of repair work won't be necessary as well.
I did get a partial answer as to what has been causing some of my recent frustrations. It was something I suspected a while back, though perhaps oddly didn't ever take it into account during the current situation. As usual, its hardly a complete answer and raises more interesting questions I don't expect to get answers for any time in the near future, but it is something I'll have to keep in the back of my mind at all times and try my best not to expect too much out of myself (hard for me to do, I rarely ever cut myself a break).
Getting better about doing my exercises I know is part of it, got to get used to doing the things I'm told to do. I am happy about this not being a casual relationship, being in the service business and all that happy horseshit, well certain things go along with that. I know it logically even if my follow through sucks right now.
Either way, even though one of the things I wanted to do this year was to play around with my new Norse friends (and they were bugging both me and my answering service (Renee) about it), until I feel that things with Hermes are all well and good again, I'm focused entirely on him. He comes first and foremost for me, any other being in my life is just going to have to understand that.
I really haven't been posting here too much lately, I hope to change that soon (let's have something to post about). I've always gotten the most benefit out of participation here with those of you who for whatever reason want to hang around (and those people I met when I needed to, Livejournal has long been good to me there ;-)), even if my attention and goals has always looked more at getting over the introversion enough to be able to speak more on groups; I finally make some progress along those lines, and my gods does it make me appreciate this place even more than I did before. I forget my place in the world at times, I don't know why it still happens after all this time but it occasionally does, and I forget how the uninterested the world in general is in hearing from those in my corner of it. This has also been a source of recent frustrations, not as bad as the others listed (though I'm sure that's all making it worse) but it has gotten to a point where I feel to help my own stress level I need to limit my participation level.
Don't get me wrong, everyone can decide for themselves what they do and not not wish to be exposed to, who they do and do not wish to welcome among them, and if it turns out I am not one of those acceptable things that's fine really. I know this could come off as arrogant like my opinions, beliefs and experiences are such that they should be valued by anyone, and that isn't how I mean it at all, but ... being social is not something that comes naturally to me, group involvement is not natural to me, it takes a lot more effort for me than you may realize especially if you are of the happy little sociable sort (and really, most people are); if the sense that I and others(yes, I asked for a second opinion :-)) are getting is a collective group reaction of "nobody gives a shit" I don't see the point in continuing to put for that tremendous effort, its not benefiting me or anyone else and its not even really appreciated it (any isolated cases can come find me on my corner of the internet, I'm not that hard to locate).
Just a bit of venting. I don't plan to leave anywhere right now, not anywhere near that angry (though could become so if I continue beating my head against a wall), just slipping back into deep lurker mode everywhere but here. At least until I see some compelling reason not to, but I don't foresee that happening. I just keep getting pulled further and further out of my old paradigm, and getting spoiled by actually having found people whose beliefs and experience line up a lot closer with my own (focus may be different, but we're clearly playing the same game and that matters more than anything else right now). Which is probably all for the best for me in the long run, but still transition can be painful.
There were a few sleep issues this weekend, but I think they may have blown past for the moment. About midway Saturday, I hit an anti social phase, where my introversion is heightened and my patience for the human race at an all time low. Had to cut errands short and go home because of it, but I still did get out a lot this weekend, which I do need to do every now and then and hadn't been able to since my return to Baltimore.
Disconnect from religion still ongoing, still a bit amazed at how many other areas of life suffer for it. Had one rather disheartening ritual experience earlier in the week, (probably) over reacted from it, have since calmed down to some degree or another. But with all the shit that has gotten in the way, the major transition and fallout from that, I don't think things will be quite as simple as I might like them to be, not a simple matter of snapping my fingers and having everything be straightened out like that.
Getting readings done, trying to listen to my own gut as fractured and malfunctioning as it currently is. Time is likely a factor, though I wonder if some sort of repair work won't be necessary as well.
I did get a partial answer as to what has been causing some of my recent frustrations. It was something I suspected a while back, though perhaps oddly didn't ever take it into account during the current situation. As usual, its hardly a complete answer and raises more interesting questions I don't expect to get answers for any time in the near future, but it is something I'll have to keep in the back of my mind at all times and try my best not to expect too much out of myself (hard for me to do, I rarely ever cut myself a break).
Getting better about doing my exercises I know is part of it, got to get used to doing the things I'm told to do. I am happy about this not being a casual relationship, being in the service business and all that happy horseshit, well certain things go along with that. I know it logically even if my follow through sucks right now.
Either way, even though one of the things I wanted to do this year was to play around with my new Norse friends (and they were bugging both me and my answering service (Renee) about it), until I feel that things with Hermes are all well and good again, I'm focused entirely on him. He comes first and foremost for me, any other being in my life is just going to have to understand that.
I really haven't been posting here too much lately, I hope to change that soon (let's have something to post about). I've always gotten the most benefit out of participation here with those of you who for whatever reason want to hang around (and those people I met when I needed to, Livejournal has long been good to me there ;-)), even if my attention and goals has always looked more at getting over the introversion enough to be able to speak more on groups; I finally make some progress along those lines, and my gods does it make me appreciate this place even more than I did before. I forget my place in the world at times, I don't know why it still happens after all this time but it occasionally does, and I forget how the uninterested the world in general is in hearing from those in my corner of it. This has also been a source of recent frustrations, not as bad as the others listed (though I'm sure that's all making it worse) but it has gotten to a point where I feel to help my own stress level I need to limit my participation level.
Don't get me wrong, everyone can decide for themselves what they do and not not wish to be exposed to, who they do and do not wish to welcome among them, and if it turns out I am not one of those acceptable things that's fine really. I know this could come off as arrogant like my opinions, beliefs and experiences are such that they should be valued by anyone, and that isn't how I mean it at all, but ... being social is not something that comes naturally to me, group involvement is not natural to me, it takes a lot more effort for me than you may realize especially if you are of the happy little sociable sort (and really, most people are); if the sense that I and others(yes, I asked for a second opinion :-)) are getting is a collective group reaction of "nobody gives a shit" I don't see the point in continuing to put for that tremendous effort, its not benefiting me or anyone else and its not even really appreciated it (any isolated cases can come find me on my corner of the internet, I'm not that hard to locate).
Just a bit of venting. I don't plan to leave anywhere right now, not anywhere near that angry (though could become so if I continue beating my head against a wall), just slipping back into deep lurker mode everywhere but here. At least until I see some compelling reason not to, but I don't foresee that happening. I just keep getting pulled further and further out of my old paradigm, and getting spoiled by actually having found people whose beliefs and experience line up a lot closer with my own (focus may be different, but we're clearly playing the same game and that matters more than anything else right now). Which is probably all for the best for me in the long run, but still transition can be painful.