Earning my Horror Nerd Points - Cabin Fever
If you're thinking about celebrating this upcoming Halloween by curling up on the couch with a friend or loved one, eating some popcorn and enjoying a good movie, something like let's say Cabin Fever, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, DON"T DO IT!!!!!!!!
Put down the remote. Slowly now. Step away from the DVD player. Come on now, you're young, there is so much left to see and do, so many people who love you and care about you. The world is a wonderful place, it really is. I know it may not seem that way sometimes, but however bad it is right now, it can change! I'm serious, it can all change in a heartbeat, it can all be better. There is every reason to hope, you do not want to do this to yourself! Some things you can never take back, don't do it, don't look at the screen!!!!
Oh my gods, what a steaming piece of shit this movie is. It is easily one of the worst horror movies I've ever had the misfortune of sitting through. I've had bowel cramps more pleasant than this.
Really, you have no idea. You couldn't possibly understand what a painful ordeal watching this is. Oh I can try, I can break out all my sarcasm and colorful language and everything, and I still won't be able to do it proper justice. Without actually seeing it for yourself you couldn't imagine, and I'm not recommending that.
First all the main characters are assholes. Obnoxious, miserable assholes. Ten minutes into it and I was so unbelievably annoyed by each and every one of them, I wanted them all to die horribly, I wanted to do it myself. I don't demand sympathetic characters (especially as I'm more drawn to the villains anyway) but I didn't just not care I fucking hated them. Every time they talked my blood pressure rose another point. I've hung out with irritating drunken sex obsessed twenty somethings before, I've never come across anyone quite as bad as they were, and I somehow doubt nature could allow so much stupid to co exist in such a small space to begin with, the potential consequences would threaten all life as we know it.
So now I hate every one in the movie, but I know they're going to die so there is hope, right? You'd think, only this is one of those unfortunate horror movies where it seems to take so fucking long for anything to happen. They just keep talking and talking and you begin to fear that the blessed rumors you heard of flesh eating bacteria wiping out the lot of them were nothing more than some cruel joke to keep you sitting there, that sooner or later the words "Ha Ha, We Fooled You" will scroll across the screen and the credits will roll on a shot of them all skipping merrily down the road, alive and well and not single drop of their blood being spilled. And even when they finally do start getting sick its not even worth the wait, its nothing like what you'll feel any of them actually deserve as punishment for subjecting you to their inane rambling and the gratuitous moron on moron sex scenes (rumors of this movie being really disgusting were greatly exaggerated).
And the only thing worse than the main cast, are all the "colorful" locals added in for filler. And by "colorful," I mean "missing a significant portion of their brains." Or at least that is the only explanation I can come up with for how off the wall fucking psycho crazy they all act. The main cast are annoying and stupid and they'll piss you off; the locals will stun you much like a sledge hammer to the forehead. Multiple times Renee and I found ourselves sitting on the couch, no sound, no movement, no mental activity, and then one of us would whisper, "What. The. Fuck. Was that?" Again, I wish I could tell you what you would be in for, but I just can't; I've never seen anything like it and I couldn't do it justice.
Was this movie supposed to be funny? A piece of over the top camp? I'm honestly not sure. I'd like to think so, it would make some degree of sense that way; but if so Eli Roth missed the mark by a light year or two. And how could anyone be that wrong and not realize it? How did anyone see it and not realize it before it was released to do evil in the world?
There are horror movies out there that fall into the "so bad they're good" category, I love those movies. This is just so bad I want compensation for having my brain scarred with the sight of it; I want that ninety minutes back and I want it taken out of Eli Roth's life span. This was his big premier feature? Why does he have a career? Why was this ever allowed to be made?
Don't see this movie. Just don't do it. Find another way to spend your evening. Get a pair of pliers and pull out one of your own teeth instead. Trust me, you'll have a better time of it.
Put down the remote. Slowly now. Step away from the DVD player. Come on now, you're young, there is so much left to see and do, so many people who love you and care about you. The world is a wonderful place, it really is. I know it may not seem that way sometimes, but however bad it is right now, it can change! I'm serious, it can all change in a heartbeat, it can all be better. There is every reason to hope, you do not want to do this to yourself! Some things you can never take back, don't do it, don't look at the screen!!!!
Oh my gods, what a steaming piece of shit this movie is. It is easily one of the worst horror movies I've ever had the misfortune of sitting through. I've had bowel cramps more pleasant than this.
Really, you have no idea. You couldn't possibly understand what a painful ordeal watching this is. Oh I can try, I can break out all my sarcasm and colorful language and everything, and I still won't be able to do it proper justice. Without actually seeing it for yourself you couldn't imagine, and I'm not recommending that.
First all the main characters are assholes. Obnoxious, miserable assholes. Ten minutes into it and I was so unbelievably annoyed by each and every one of them, I wanted them all to die horribly, I wanted to do it myself. I don't demand sympathetic characters (especially as I'm more drawn to the villains anyway) but I didn't just not care I fucking hated them. Every time they talked my blood pressure rose another point. I've hung out with irritating drunken sex obsessed twenty somethings before, I've never come across anyone quite as bad as they were, and I somehow doubt nature could allow so much stupid to co exist in such a small space to begin with, the potential consequences would threaten all life as we know it.
So now I hate every one in the movie, but I know they're going to die so there is hope, right? You'd think, only this is one of those unfortunate horror movies where it seems to take so fucking long for anything to happen. They just keep talking and talking and you begin to fear that the blessed rumors you heard of flesh eating bacteria wiping out the lot of them were nothing more than some cruel joke to keep you sitting there, that sooner or later the words "Ha Ha, We Fooled You" will scroll across the screen and the credits will roll on a shot of them all skipping merrily down the road, alive and well and not single drop of their blood being spilled. And even when they finally do start getting sick its not even worth the wait, its nothing like what you'll feel any of them actually deserve as punishment for subjecting you to their inane rambling and the gratuitous moron on moron sex scenes (rumors of this movie being really disgusting were greatly exaggerated).
And the only thing worse than the main cast, are all the "colorful" locals added in for filler. And by "colorful," I mean "missing a significant portion of their brains." Or at least that is the only explanation I can come up with for how off the wall fucking psycho crazy they all act. The main cast are annoying and stupid and they'll piss you off; the locals will stun you much like a sledge hammer to the forehead. Multiple times Renee and I found ourselves sitting on the couch, no sound, no movement, no mental activity, and then one of us would whisper, "What. The. Fuck. Was that?" Again, I wish I could tell you what you would be in for, but I just can't; I've never seen anything like it and I couldn't do it justice.
Was this movie supposed to be funny? A piece of over the top camp? I'm honestly not sure. I'd like to think so, it would make some degree of sense that way; but if so Eli Roth missed the mark by a light year or two. And how could anyone be that wrong and not realize it? How did anyone see it and not realize it before it was released to do evil in the world?
There are horror movies out there that fall into the "so bad they're good" category, I love those movies. This is just so bad I want compensation for having my brain scarred with the sight of it; I want that ninety minutes back and I want it taken out of Eli Roth's life span. This was his big premier feature? Why does he have a career? Why was this ever allowed to be made?
Don't see this movie. Just don't do it. Find another way to spend your evening. Get a pair of pliers and pull out one of your own teeth instead. Trust me, you'll have a better time of it.