no one's gonna read this...
OK, much thanks to ben and more recently squid for the writing inspiration... you just gotta let it out sometimes!
but seriously, i havent posted since i got home from colombia, and all it said is that i'm home (it's down there). but honestly, it wasn't true. i was home for a bit a while ago, but... that wasnt real. that first day back was incredible, and when i saw all of my friends and my mom and brother it was impossible to fathom how relieved i was. i want to get this story straight: colombia was hard, but it was amazing. i know at the time the only thing i did was complain. school was the worst, but looking back there were some AMAZING people i met (and some not-so-amazing). and school took up most of my time so most of the time i was in a bad mood. and then there was the whole relationship thing. it's hard to be away from all of your friends and try to live with the dad you never really knew haha. i'm not trying to justify how i didn't take full advantage of the trip, i know i didn't, i'm only saying that it's not as easy as it looks under certain circumstances.
anyway, like i said, i'm not really home. it's such a hard thing to deal with heartbreak, especially a first.. but this was... almost impossible. it's like, you need all of the support you can get when youre in such an unstable time in your life thousands of miles from home, and youre falsely given this stability, yet when its time to come home youre forced to drop that support on a dime, and pretend like nothing ever happened, like you never knew eachother, like it didnt even matter, and like youre not even hurt. but i am. it was so sudden that i never even got my closure, i still dont really know exactly what happened and why it did, and thats the hardest part to accept. yet silver lining, right? the last couple weeks i was in colombia i was still living without my dad and just my step mom, and we really bonded SO much, it was unbelievable. and when i came time to leave, i just cried uncontrollably because i was leaving two of the most beautiful people, ana maria and vanessa, and the most beautiful country i had ever met. i can't wait to go back in july :)
so now that that part's out, time to look ahead...
there are some people right now that are about to go away in 6 months, and im not sure if i can accept that. to think about living without you there to just call and pry to come over is really scary.. i know i wont die or anything, but its a big change. and i know youre gonna have an amazing time at college but just dont forget about all of us back home, ok?? whatever happened before happened... and in all honesty, sometimes i still think about it and it just crushes me... but it doesnt matter. it's like nothing even changed in the first place. just... dont leave me again, i'm not sure i could handle it a second time. its something i cant really describe. the feeling of knowing only vaguely your future is just... uncomfortable. i wish i could make more sense out of what im thinking... but hey, you always know what i'm thinking anyway :)
looking more ahead...
it's time to cut the crap. being in this depressed mood all the time is making me feel pathetic. its ok to be sad sometimes, i get that, but i'm sick of feeling so goddamn low. so i'm working on being happy. i need to learn to be happy with being alone, and open with friends, and boosting my self esteem just a bit. but depression really is hard... "sadness is more like a head cold -- with patience,it passes. Depression is like cancer." so true. so no more friday nights in bed watching the discovery channel alone. my friends have really been helping me with that lately :) i really appreciate that, more than i can express. and relating to the first subject of the entry: it's over, time to move on. it's gonna take work, and it may never fully heal, but deal with it. life keeps going, no ones gonna stop traffic because of a heartbreak. it seems like a harsh realization... but hey,... eh i got nothing. its a harsh realization. oh well.
so, that's it. it's not deep nor is it well written... nor is it really interesting. but its whats been in my head since i came home from colombia... there it is.
but seriously, i havent posted since i got home from colombia, and all it said is that i'm home (it's down there). but honestly, it wasn't true. i was home for a bit a while ago, but... that wasnt real. that first day back was incredible, and when i saw all of my friends and my mom and brother it was impossible to fathom how relieved i was. i want to get this story straight: colombia was hard, but it was amazing. i know at the time the only thing i did was complain. school was the worst, but looking back there were some AMAZING people i met (and some not-so-amazing). and school took up most of my time so most of the time i was in a bad mood. and then there was the whole relationship thing. it's hard to be away from all of your friends and try to live with the dad you never really knew haha. i'm not trying to justify how i didn't take full advantage of the trip, i know i didn't, i'm only saying that it's not as easy as it looks under certain circumstances.
anyway, like i said, i'm not really home. it's such a hard thing to deal with heartbreak, especially a first.. but this was... almost impossible. it's like, you need all of the support you can get when youre in such an unstable time in your life thousands of miles from home, and youre falsely given this stability, yet when its time to come home youre forced to drop that support on a dime, and pretend like nothing ever happened, like you never knew eachother, like it didnt even matter, and like youre not even hurt. but i am. it was so sudden that i never even got my closure, i still dont really know exactly what happened and why it did, and thats the hardest part to accept. yet silver lining, right? the last couple weeks i was in colombia i was still living without my dad and just my step mom, and we really bonded SO much, it was unbelievable. and when i came time to leave, i just cried uncontrollably because i was leaving two of the most beautiful people, ana maria and vanessa, and the most beautiful country i had ever met. i can't wait to go back in july :)
so now that that part's out, time to look ahead...
there are some people right now that are about to go away in 6 months, and im not sure if i can accept that. to think about living without you there to just call and pry to come over is really scary.. i know i wont die or anything, but its a big change. and i know youre gonna have an amazing time at college but just dont forget about all of us back home, ok?? whatever happened before happened... and in all honesty, sometimes i still think about it and it just crushes me... but it doesnt matter. it's like nothing even changed in the first place. just... dont leave me again, i'm not sure i could handle it a second time. its something i cant really describe. the feeling of knowing only vaguely your future is just... uncomfortable. i wish i could make more sense out of what im thinking... but hey, you always know what i'm thinking anyway :)
looking more ahead...
it's time to cut the crap. being in this depressed mood all the time is making me feel pathetic. its ok to be sad sometimes, i get that, but i'm sick of feeling so goddamn low. so i'm working on being happy. i need to learn to be happy with being alone, and open with friends, and boosting my self esteem just a bit. but depression really is hard... "sadness is more like a head cold -- with patience,it passes. Depression is like cancer." so true. so no more friday nights in bed watching the discovery channel alone. my friends have really been helping me with that lately :) i really appreciate that, more than i can express. and relating to the first subject of the entry: it's over, time to move on. it's gonna take work, and it may never fully heal, but deal with it. life keeps going, no ones gonna stop traffic because of a heartbreak. it seems like a harsh realization... but hey,... eh i got nothing. its a harsh realization. oh well.
so, that's it. it's not deep nor is it well written... nor is it really interesting. but its whats been in my head since i came home from colombia... there it is.