i need to keep up with this more
darn the need to write in this thing...
I am trying to make a diary of my life since i have started college, and undoubtedly that means reopening all my entries in LJ. For the past few days i've been reconnected with memories that i had seemingly forgotten. It is an interesting feeling, going back into the past, knowing what the future holds and yet being able to recall that feelings that were once so prominent in you.
I was just a kid, and in many aspects i am still just a kid, living off of the kindness of her parents while in college and yet never having enough money to be considered anything but poor. Going back through all those entries i've learned that i have made many mistakes in my short but oh so long life. I have loved a great many people, there are a few with whom i have ( and probably now as well) given my heart to completly. I have been hurt and i have hurt many many many people. I know all those experiences are what made me what i am today, though sometimes i wonder if it was all worth it?
I am overly confident, cocky, pushy, arrogant, stubborn, mean, and yet i find people flocking to me. I radiate a strong persona that acts as a maganat (sp) for weaker people. They seem to just appear at my side and believe that i can be their piller of strength. They don't know that beneath is strong barrier is a weaker side. One that is not shown very often. I don't like to show weakness and i really don't want people to know that i am anything besides perfect. now, my version of perfection is flawed. That means, me being human, is flawed. I make mistakes, and i own up to them. For one thing i know i can't spell too well. by admitting to these errors i become the personification of perfection. I know who i am and am not willing to change for other around me. I don't adapt, i am adapted to. I swear global warming would be afraid to get on my bad side.
This may make me seen rather arrogant, and that is showing my point that i am full of myself. I just can't help it.
I also go off on tangents that really don't lead to anywhere. I just like to hear myself think. When i write this i speak it in my mind. It feels as if i am being dictated to by a secretary inside my mind. She is working overtime and so she gets frazzled on occassion.
I miss talking to people from the past. I miss talking to Eric. He was my buddy, and untill he got involved with his newest girlfriend we talked a lot. I cherished his friendship and on some level will always think of him as the one who opened up my mind to sex. If it were not for him and his arrogance i would still be this frightened little girl not knowing what i was or what i wanted in a sexual experience. He was my mentor ( in more ways than one) and i will always thank him for that.
I also miss talking to Charlie. I know he is a dick head and i am better off not knowing him. My mind is telling me this. MY heart on the other hand just can not let the thought of him go. It kills me that i don't know where he is now, and what he is doing with his life. I just want an outsiders view of what he is doing. I'd like to see that my life is a lot better than the one he has. I just want to rub it in a little that i was the best thing for him and he is a jerk for letting me get away.
I miss talking to Keith or Cowboy as i affectionately named him many years ago. He was MY piller of strength. I could/can always count on him to be strong for me whenever i didn't think that i had the ability. He was a good listener and i am very happy to say he was my friend. I'm even happier to say that he is still my friend. He is dating a girl now with whom i think he is very fond of. I'm happy for him, he deserves a little happiness now and then...don't let him know i said that though or else i shall never hear the end of it.
WEll my friends it feels as though i have talked forever and it is time for bed. thanks for taking the time out to listen/read me speaking about nothing and everything at once.
LAter lov
I am trying to make a diary of my life since i have started college, and undoubtedly that means reopening all my entries in LJ. For the past few days i've been reconnected with memories that i had seemingly forgotten. It is an interesting feeling, going back into the past, knowing what the future holds and yet being able to recall that feelings that were once so prominent in you.
I was just a kid, and in many aspects i am still just a kid, living off of the kindness of her parents while in college and yet never having enough money to be considered anything but poor. Going back through all those entries i've learned that i have made many mistakes in my short but oh so long life. I have loved a great many people, there are a few with whom i have ( and probably now as well) given my heart to completly. I have been hurt and i have hurt many many many people. I know all those experiences are what made me what i am today, though sometimes i wonder if it was all worth it?
I am overly confident, cocky, pushy, arrogant, stubborn, mean, and yet i find people flocking to me. I radiate a strong persona that acts as a maganat (sp) for weaker people. They seem to just appear at my side and believe that i can be their piller of strength. They don't know that beneath is strong barrier is a weaker side. One that is not shown very often. I don't like to show weakness and i really don't want people to know that i am anything besides perfect. now, my version of perfection is flawed. That means, me being human, is flawed. I make mistakes, and i own up to them. For one thing i know i can't spell too well. by admitting to these errors i become the personification of perfection. I know who i am and am not willing to change for other around me. I don't adapt, i am adapted to. I swear global warming would be afraid to get on my bad side.
This may make me seen rather arrogant, and that is showing my point that i am full of myself. I just can't help it.
I also go off on tangents that really don't lead to anywhere. I just like to hear myself think. When i write this i speak it in my mind. It feels as if i am being dictated to by a secretary inside my mind. She is working overtime and so she gets frazzled on occassion.
I miss talking to people from the past. I miss talking to Eric. He was my buddy, and untill he got involved with his newest girlfriend we talked a lot. I cherished his friendship and on some level will always think of him as the one who opened up my mind to sex. If it were not for him and his arrogance i would still be this frightened little girl not knowing what i was or what i wanted in a sexual experience. He was my mentor ( in more ways than one) and i will always thank him for that.
I also miss talking to Charlie. I know he is a dick head and i am better off not knowing him. My mind is telling me this. MY heart on the other hand just can not let the thought of him go. It kills me that i don't know where he is now, and what he is doing with his life. I just want an outsiders view of what he is doing. I'd like to see that my life is a lot better than the one he has. I just want to rub it in a little that i was the best thing for him and he is a jerk for letting me get away.
I miss talking to Keith or Cowboy as i affectionately named him many years ago. He was MY piller of strength. I could/can always count on him to be strong for me whenever i didn't think that i had the ability. He was a good listener and i am very happy to say he was my friend. I'm even happier to say that he is still my friend. He is dating a girl now with whom i think he is very fond of. I'm happy for him, he deserves a little happiness now and then...don't let him know i said that though or else i shall never hear the end of it.
WEll my friends it feels as though i have talked forever and it is time for bed. thanks for taking the time out to listen/read me speaking about nothing and everything at once.
LAter lov