Gonna gush my soul....
I havent really updated in a while, so it is time i do so.
Florida rocked with the NPVB ladies. Sooo much fun.
Sarahs getting me a job at Sports Authority! YAY!! I am going to have a job! I think it will be good for me to get out of the resturant business. I will really like coming home not smelling like sour milk and french fries.
Yesterday went home to visit Nana and go to the apple fest with Sarah and Aunt Jan. That was a lot of fun. Nana isn't doing so well though, shes really not feeling well at all.
Union tourny was pretty good. we lost against Ferdonia, but won against Skidmore, St. Lawrence, and Union. I got to play a little on Friday, but i royally sucked. It was so frustrating. I wanted so badly to go out there and prove to coach, my team, and myself that I am not a fuck up. I didnt do that. Saturday I got to play again, and I did it. I went on the court and played well. There are always things i wish i had done better, but for the most part, I am really proud of how i played. I was so happy after that. I love volleyball again! I cant wait for practice...i want to play so badly.
Thats right happy. Something that I havent felt in a very very long time. I am happy here at NP. The team is so great, I love them all.
Of course happy never lasts. Went out with the girls, had an awesome time. Got sooo smashed, way more than i had intended, or wanted to. The walk home I was a huge ass, I was trying to help a friend back, someone i care about, for he was throwing up, and we got in a huge argument. I dont remember what I said or did. I just remember screaming, being wet, cold, and trying to get him inside where it was warm and dry. I guess I said some really nasty things that I now feel like a huge ass about. I dont remember it at all. All i remember is trying to help him and only being pushed away...physically, and emotionally pushed away. He kept trying to go back to the bars. So i gave up and left him out in the rain to find his own way back. That i feel like a huge ass about too.
What I think led up to that:
-My inability to deal with things
-Nana being sick
-Its been 6 months since Poppa died, and i have yet to fully cope
-My own god damn insecurities
-Its been a year since my wonderful trip to the hospital, for once i can recognise it for what it really was, and stop lying to myself.
Being happy only to crash back down to where i am normally is way harder than just staying sad all the time. Even harder than that is going to bed everynight wishing not to wake up in the morning, when i look around and see so many good things in my life. The thing is, i see the good, but the bad in my mind outnumbers the good by far. I cant see any good in myself.
I wish that I had someone i could really talk to about all this down here. As much as i hated going to counceling last semester and all this summer, it helped. I had someone i could cry to, and let loose my emotions to.
All my emotions just built up and built up, and waited for a time when I was not in control anymore, and came out. What an ass am i.
This song is making me feel way better:
Better Version of Me by Fiona Apple
The nickel dropped
When I was on
My way beyond
The rubicon
What did I do
And the games that I could handle
None are ones worth a candle
What should I do
I'm a frightened, fickle person
Fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
What should I do
Oooh, after all the folding, rolling, hauling over cold stops
What will I do
Can't take a good day without a bad one
Don't feel just to smile until I had one
Where did I learn
I make a fuss about a little thing
Rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where's the turn
I don't want a home
I grow when that home is
Where my habits have a habitat
Why give it term
Oooh, after all the folding, rolling, hauling over cold stops
What did I learn
I am likely to miss the main event
If I stop to cry and complain again
So I will keep a deliberate pace
Let the damn breeze dry my face
Ooooh mister wait until you see
What I'm gonna be
I've got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree
Here's coming a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me"
*update* I <3 my team. I feel a lil better now.
Florida rocked with the NPVB ladies. Sooo much fun.
Sarahs getting me a job at Sports Authority! YAY!! I am going to have a job! I think it will be good for me to get out of the resturant business. I will really like coming home not smelling like sour milk and french fries.
Yesterday went home to visit Nana and go to the apple fest with Sarah and Aunt Jan. That was a lot of fun. Nana isn't doing so well though, shes really not feeling well at all.
Union tourny was pretty good. we lost against Ferdonia, but won against Skidmore, St. Lawrence, and Union. I got to play a little on Friday, but i royally sucked. It was so frustrating. I wanted so badly to go out there and prove to coach, my team, and myself that I am not a fuck up. I didnt do that. Saturday I got to play again, and I did it. I went on the court and played well. There are always things i wish i had done better, but for the most part, I am really proud of how i played. I was so happy after that. I love volleyball again! I cant wait for practice...i want to play so badly.
Thats right happy. Something that I havent felt in a very very long time. I am happy here at NP. The team is so great, I love them all.
Of course happy never lasts. Went out with the girls, had an awesome time. Got sooo smashed, way more than i had intended, or wanted to. The walk home I was a huge ass, I was trying to help a friend back, someone i care about, for he was throwing up, and we got in a huge argument. I dont remember what I said or did. I just remember screaming, being wet, cold, and trying to get him inside where it was warm and dry. I guess I said some really nasty things that I now feel like a huge ass about. I dont remember it at all. All i remember is trying to help him and only being pushed away...physically, and emotionally pushed away. He kept trying to go back to the bars. So i gave up and left him out in the rain to find his own way back. That i feel like a huge ass about too.
What I think led up to that:
-My inability to deal with things
-Nana being sick
-Its been 6 months since Poppa died, and i have yet to fully cope
-My own god damn insecurities
-Its been a year since my wonderful trip to the hospital, for once i can recognise it for what it really was, and stop lying to myself.
Being happy only to crash back down to where i am normally is way harder than just staying sad all the time. Even harder than that is going to bed everynight wishing not to wake up in the morning, when i look around and see so many good things in my life. The thing is, i see the good, but the bad in my mind outnumbers the good by far. I cant see any good in myself.
I wish that I had someone i could really talk to about all this down here. As much as i hated going to counceling last semester and all this summer, it helped. I had someone i could cry to, and let loose my emotions to.
All my emotions just built up and built up, and waited for a time when I was not in control anymore, and came out. What an ass am i.
This song is making me feel way better:
Better Version of Me by Fiona Apple
The nickel dropped
When I was on
My way beyond
The rubicon
What did I do
And the games that I could handle
None are ones worth a candle
What should I do
I'm a frightened, fickle person
Fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
What should I do
Oooh, after all the folding, rolling, hauling over cold stops
What will I do
Can't take a good day without a bad one
Don't feel just to smile until I had one
Where did I learn
I make a fuss about a little thing
Rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where's the turn
I don't want a home
I grow when that home is
Where my habits have a habitat
Why give it term
Oooh, after all the folding, rolling, hauling over cold stops
What did I learn
I am likely to miss the main event
If I stop to cry and complain again
So I will keep a deliberate pace
Let the damn breeze dry my face
Ooooh mister wait until you see
What I'm gonna be
I've got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree
Here's coming a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me"
*update* I <3 my team. I feel a lil better now.