Hi! I'm sad and pathetic! Werd!
I'm not a quitter. I've never quit at anything in my life. I'm also not one to bitch to the world (or the whole internet as may be the case here) about my issues. I'm doing this for MYSELF, if you dont want to hear me whine to myself, stop reading now. I would.
It's gotten quite ridiculous. I just turned 25. I'm still mired in the same idiotic mess that I've been in for the last 12 years or so. I understand girls. I can talk to ANYONE. Most guys have a problem with this, the 'emotional' part of relationships. Not me. I got that down pretty well, and I'm not afraid to say it. However, watch me recoil in horror if a girl tries to kiss me. If you truly know me, you'll know that I never even allow it to get to that point. I dont go to bars much anymore. I stay in or just go out to eat with my friends on the weekends. I refuse to put myself in ANY situation where even the POSSIBILITY of hooking up will come into play. You couldnt even begin to imagine how hard this is for me. All I want in life is a family. I love kids. Hell, part of the reason I play big brother to so many people is because I have a huge capacity to care, and I pretty much know that its going to go to waste later in my life. So I take care of my kids NOW. I love my friends more than anything, and there's nothing I wouldnt do for them. And I wouldnt trade my capacity to care for anything in the world. But still. It hurts me so much sometimes. I just want something to happen so I know there's a remote CHANCE that it's all gonna work out. I just dont see it happening. When you turn off the 'switch' for as long as I have, its awfully tough to put it back on. Hell, I dont get off to porn and shit, its just not for me. When you shut off your brain from stuff like that in your formative years because youre so terrified of so many things, I guess this is what happens. I'm scared of so many things with the physical bullshit. Whether its how inexperienced I am, thus I will make a fool of myself or be it how I'm worried that I'll be so scared I wont even get aroused and shit like that. Its fucking tough sometimes to be everyone's rock, and be able to solve everyone's problems but my own. Im not even in the same ballpark as these issues right now. They're fucking All Stars, and I'm in Single A, if you want an analogy. I had a great girlfriend around 2 years ago. My 23rd birthday was the best night of my life. My parents threw me a party at this bar, and all 100 or so of my friends were there, and that meant the world to me. More importantly, though, Tara was there with me. I dont dance much. However, I danced for 5 straight hours that night with her and my friends. I felt alive. I had a great girl with me, all my friends, my family, so what in the hell happened?
She knew my deal, and she knew to take it slow. I trusted her. And she was great to me. But she had her needs, and I couldnt fulfill them at that point. I became distant when she got upset for not being affectionate enough. I was selfish, and I know that. But I also know that I couldnt help it. When she asked for that, I pushed her away. And now, almost 3 years later, I'm alone, and somehow happy, even while knowing what the outcome of this all is likely to me.
To be continued...
It's gotten quite ridiculous. I just turned 25. I'm still mired in the same idiotic mess that I've been in for the last 12 years or so. I understand girls. I can talk to ANYONE. Most guys have a problem with this, the 'emotional' part of relationships. Not me. I got that down pretty well, and I'm not afraid to say it. However, watch me recoil in horror if a girl tries to kiss me. If you truly know me, you'll know that I never even allow it to get to that point. I dont go to bars much anymore. I stay in or just go out to eat with my friends on the weekends. I refuse to put myself in ANY situation where even the POSSIBILITY of hooking up will come into play. You couldnt even begin to imagine how hard this is for me. All I want in life is a family. I love kids. Hell, part of the reason I play big brother to so many people is because I have a huge capacity to care, and I pretty much know that its going to go to waste later in my life. So I take care of my kids NOW. I love my friends more than anything, and there's nothing I wouldnt do for them. And I wouldnt trade my capacity to care for anything in the world. But still. It hurts me so much sometimes. I just want something to happen so I know there's a remote CHANCE that it's all gonna work out. I just dont see it happening. When you turn off the 'switch' for as long as I have, its awfully tough to put it back on. Hell, I dont get off to porn and shit, its just not for me. When you shut off your brain from stuff like that in your formative years because youre so terrified of so many things, I guess this is what happens. I'm scared of so many things with the physical bullshit. Whether its how inexperienced I am, thus I will make a fool of myself or be it how I'm worried that I'll be so scared I wont even get aroused and shit like that. Its fucking tough sometimes to be everyone's rock, and be able to solve everyone's problems but my own. Im not even in the same ballpark as these issues right now. They're fucking All Stars, and I'm in Single A, if you want an analogy. I had a great girlfriend around 2 years ago. My 23rd birthday was the best night of my life. My parents threw me a party at this bar, and all 100 or so of my friends were there, and that meant the world to me. More importantly, though, Tara was there with me. I dont dance much. However, I danced for 5 straight hours that night with her and my friends. I felt alive. I had a great girl with me, all my friends, my family, so what in the hell happened?
She knew my deal, and she knew to take it slow. I trusted her. And she was great to me. But she had her needs, and I couldnt fulfill them at that point. I became distant when she got upset for not being affectionate enough. I was selfish, and I know that. But I also know that I couldnt help it. When she asked for that, I pushed her away. And now, almost 3 years later, I'm alone, and somehow happy, even while knowing what the outcome of this all is likely to me.
To be continued...