(no subject)
i literally haven't been able to cry in a very long time. i can't tell you the last time i cried...until now. i was sleeping and woke up to a text from my friend Brian about going to the cemetery to visit Frank's grave tomorrow. we had plans to go, i thought they were during the week "sometime" but apparently it was set for tomorrow and i made a dr's appointment for tomorrow...so i told him i can't go because the dr's appt is already screwing up my sleep schedule since it's at 1...and i immediately started crying. maybe i was having a bad dream i didn't realize...actually that happened a few weeks ago. i was having a bad dream and i was crying in the dream so i woke up crying for a second, but then i was laughing at how ridiculous that was, realized i was fine and went back to sleep.
i'm shocked that i woke up at 6pm. i usually wake up with barely enough time to get ready for work...
i've been having a hard time getting over someone from work that i was seeing a few months ago. i don't know why because it didn't last long...but i thought it could have and i didn't see any reason for it not to...we only hung out a handful of times but we talked a lot and he would even call me from work pretty much on a daily basis. he ended it the first time because he heard i was still seeing my ex who also works at the jail, and he didn't believe me at all that it wasn't true, even though i was the one who broke up with him. i guess the fact that he couldn't trust me to begin with was a red flag. then we started talking again about a month later after he decided to stop ignoring me...so i thought there was a chance...until he texted me saying he got back with his ex and they're still together. i sent him a harmless message on facebook the other day (since he deleted me and i deleted his number, it's the only way i can contact him) basically just putting all the cards on the table and telling him that i miss him and merry christmas and i hope he's doing well...and he hasn't responded to that either...he's been ignoring me at work until the other day when i saw him and he actually smiled at me. i thought that was a breakthrough, maybe we could actually be friends...or not...i probably screwed myself and put myself back at square 1 by messaging him, but i strongly believe in telling people how you really feel. the things i've been through have literally showed me how short life is, and i've never been one to beat around the bush about things. sometimes you get kicked in the ass for being brutally honest, even if the feelings aren't negative.
i don't think i'm going to renew my lease here in august. we'll see when the time comes. i don't know if it's my schedule or what...that definitely plays a part in it...but it's way too lonely here by myself. maybe i should move back in with my mom since a lot of my friends that i hang out with now are in NJ...then maybe look into a corrections job in NJ since they pay a hell of a lot more...at least the county prison does...then maybe try to find a place around there. maybe my dream for the past 10 years of living in PA isn't turning out to be what i thought it would...or maybe not seeing my friends as much is just a part of growing up. i guess the latter is more likely.
i don't know...i just miss everyone.
i'm shocked that i woke up at 6pm. i usually wake up with barely enough time to get ready for work...
i've been having a hard time getting over someone from work that i was seeing a few months ago. i don't know why because it didn't last long...but i thought it could have and i didn't see any reason for it not to...we only hung out a handful of times but we talked a lot and he would even call me from work pretty much on a daily basis. he ended it the first time because he heard i was still seeing my ex who also works at the jail, and he didn't believe me at all that it wasn't true, even though i was the one who broke up with him. i guess the fact that he couldn't trust me to begin with was a red flag. then we started talking again about a month later after he decided to stop ignoring me...so i thought there was a chance...until he texted me saying he got back with his ex and they're still together. i sent him a harmless message on facebook the other day (since he deleted me and i deleted his number, it's the only way i can contact him) basically just putting all the cards on the table and telling him that i miss him and merry christmas and i hope he's doing well...and he hasn't responded to that either...he's been ignoring me at work until the other day when i saw him and he actually smiled at me. i thought that was a breakthrough, maybe we could actually be friends...or not...i probably screwed myself and put myself back at square 1 by messaging him, but i strongly believe in telling people how you really feel. the things i've been through have literally showed me how short life is, and i've never been one to beat around the bush about things. sometimes you get kicked in the ass for being brutally honest, even if the feelings aren't negative.
i don't think i'm going to renew my lease here in august. we'll see when the time comes. i don't know if it's my schedule or what...that definitely plays a part in it...but it's way too lonely here by myself. maybe i should move back in with my mom since a lot of my friends that i hang out with now are in NJ...then maybe look into a corrections job in NJ since they pay a hell of a lot more...at least the county prison does...then maybe try to find a place around there. maybe my dream for the past 10 years of living in PA isn't turning out to be what i thought it would...or maybe not seeing my friends as much is just a part of growing up. i guess the latter is more likely.
i don't know...i just miss everyone.