rant.
i don't understand why i'm pissed off all the time. i'm pissed off honestly about 90% of the day. so i guess i have to do some inventory to calm my nerves a bit and make myself realize it's not all that bad:
- my job is stressful (parenting, what parenting?) and sometimes boring at the same time, but it could be A LOT worse. i'm lucky to even have a job, especially one with kids that make me smile and laugh............and occasionally make me want to poke toothpicks into my eyes.
- i love my mom to death, but for some reason, 99% of the stuff she does pisses me off and i'm not sure why. i guess MAYBE because i used to look up to her with every inch of my being, but once the divorce happened and everything i learned (...about her...) because of it, i have a serious lack of respect for her despite everything she has done for me. she has her moments too when she picks on me, but i'm beginning to feel like maybe it's me, because she NEVER EVER fights with my brother. if she does, it lasts for 2 seconds. our fights last for a whole day, days, or longer, and occur pretty much every single day...my stepmom says it's because i moved out, did some maturing, and moved back in and we're 2 adult women living together. eh, maybe. or maybe because the last time i actually lived here, my dad did too? i don't know.
- i get extremely easily annoyed by people in general. especially while driving.
- i also get very annoyed when things don't go "my way". lately i've had to consciously try hard to see things from the other person's perspective, which has kind of been working to calm me down a bit...but doesn't always.
i honestly don't know what my problem is overall. i wish it was one big thing or a bunch of little things i could fix. every time i really try to think about it, i get interrupted or start doing something else, and i really haven't come up with much. of course there are the obvious things, my parents divorcing and cheating on each other, Frank passing away......but other than that, i had an amazingly wonderful childhood, i'm extremely lucky to have a nice house and car, i'm going to be graduating from college in less than 3 months.........yet somehow even though i constantly remind myself of all this, i still get mad a lot and i feel like i don't have much control over it. i shouldn't be stressed out, i'm on vacation. i have 6 days of vacation left and had 2 weeks overall. for the second time in my life, i'm actually not broke the day before pay day.
so yeah....with all that said, i'm not sure what to do. i've considered seeing a therapist, but i'm starting not to believe in that more and more. shit happens, and i kind of doubt that paying someone to talk about it is going to make shit not happen, or go back to the way it was. i miss the days when i used to be really happy and make people laugh constantly. i feel like i can't do that anymore...or like there's no point...but i know it shouldn't be that way.
i'm at a loss...