dread
i don't think i've ever dreaded a day so much in my life. it's only March, but soon it will be April and then May. unfortunately May 19th is the first day of summer classes. it figures. if anything i'm definitely not going to work that day. hopefully i can take the day off and just deal with a 2 hour night class. i don't know if i want to be at the cemetery at 10:05am or at home or what...
i don't know...for some reason the past couple days have been rough...last night i was laying in bed and staring at this picture of us which is right in my line of vision when i lay down:
i remember putting my arm around him and being shocked at how his shoulder was bony...the same thing happened in the hospital. i was trying to put my arm around him when he was asleep/in a coma in the hospital bed and being surprised at how light he had become...and lifting his legs expecting them to be heavy so they went up faster because i wasn't prepared for them to be so light.
i was just laying in bed crying when i felt him laying next to me saying "just go to sleep babe". i really did feel that twice in a row. then when i tried to concentrate on it all the bad memories started to come back...especially of that day...and that moment...the worst day of my life. i just can't get those images out of my head and i know i never will. some days i still feel like i'm just going through the motions and suppressing everything just to get by...then when i actually let myself feel, i'm flooded with good and bad memories but i take what i can get. i'd rather have 1 good memory combined with 10 bad ones, than to block them all out and risk forgetting...
stand by...
i don't know...for some reason the past couple days have been rough...last night i was laying in bed and staring at this picture of us which is right in my line of vision when i lay down:
i remember putting my arm around him and being shocked at how his shoulder was bony...the same thing happened in the hospital. i was trying to put my arm around him when he was asleep/in a coma in the hospital bed and being surprised at how light he had become...and lifting his legs expecting them to be heavy so they went up faster because i wasn't prepared for them to be so light.
i was just laying in bed crying when i felt him laying next to me saying "just go to sleep babe". i really did feel that twice in a row. then when i tried to concentrate on it all the bad memories started to come back...especially of that day...and that moment...the worst day of my life. i just can't get those images out of my head and i know i never will. some days i still feel like i'm just going through the motions and suppressing everything just to get by...then when i actually let myself feel, i'm flooded with good and bad memories but i take what i can get. i'd rather have 1 good memory combined with 10 bad ones, than to block them all out and risk forgetting...
stand by...