CHINGUX 2014: all great and precious things are lonely (1/1) for gloomvalleys
Title: All great and precious things are lonely.
Author: iwantchocopie
Recipient: gloomvalleys
Pairing/Focus: Baekhyun/Jongdae
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of character death, slight internalised homophobia, spoilers for The Fault in our Stars.
Length: 5713
Summary: Jongdae thinks it is unfair how effortlessly Baekhyun becomes part of his life.
Baekhyun has been living on campus since freshman year, when Jongdae moves to the university dorm.
"I've lived here for three years. I can't believe I'm going to have to move out next year," Baekhyun says from his comfortable spot on Jongdae's bed.
Jongdae's been unpacking since early that morning. Classes start the next day and he wants to be done by then.
Baekhyun, on the other hand, has been talking since he invited himself into Jongdae's micro flat. He claimed he wanted to give the new neighbour a nice warm welcome and dropped into Jongdae's bed right after, but he doesn't lift a finger to help. "I'd help you but my head is killing me. I think I drank too much last night," Baekhyun declares, rubbing his temples dramatically, an act that Jongdae doesn’t buy. "In fact, I was just coming back from the party when I noticed I had a new neighbour and I knew right away I had to say hello."
"If you talk this much when you're hung over I don't even want to know how much you talk when you're sober." Jongdae's trying to find the box that says 'books I', he already has the ones that say 'books II' and 'books III.’
"Touché," Baekhyun says with an amused look on his face. "I like you, neighbour. I still don't know your name though."
"Could that be because you've been talking about yourself non-stop, you maybe forgot to ask?" Jongdae's not annoyed, not really; he's just tired. "Sorry, that was rude. I'm Kim Jongdae."
"No need to be sorry, we're going to be neighbours. I'm Byun Baekhyun, please take care of me." Baekhyun bows, lowering his head a little. Jongdae finds the gesture a little endearing but maybe Baekhyun is just still a bit drunk. "I like the flowery pattern of your sheets," he says while making himself comfortable on Jongdae's bed again. "My sheets are boring, they're just blue."
Jongdae doesn't want to start thinking about the day his mother bought those sheets for him. But brains never cooperate when you want them to. They always remember things that you don't want to-especially the things that you don't want to.
Sometimes Jongdae thinks brains-and consequently, memories-are only there to make you suffer. So it's no wonder Jongdae is now vividly remembering how cold it had been the day he went to the market with his mother. Suddenly, he's breathing the smell of bindaetteok, seeing the colours of hanboks, tasting the kimbap they had shared. "Thank you, I guess?" He says, a little shaken by the power the memory carries. "They were a present."
He doesn't have to elaborate more because there's no reaction from Baekhyun, who has already fallen asleep.
Well, this has to be the fastest Jongdae's ever been at getting a guy in bed, and he didn't even have to do or say anything. But if this isn't close to a warm welcome then Jongdae has no idea what is. Baekhyun makes tiny noises in his sleep while Jongdae puts a flower patterned duvet over him.
❄
Jongdae starts losing his mother when he's fifteen. For an entire year he witnesses how she fades away slowly. How she gets skinnier, paler but never less bright. She's always been a fighter.
He goes to the hospital after school every day to keep her company. Jongdae's mother never liked being alone. Some days are better than others. Some days she's cheerful and happy, and she's allowed to go outside to get fresh air. Jongdae treasures these days the most. His mother would start talking about all the things she did when she was younger and all the things she didn't do, too, but she never says she regrets any of them.
It's ironic, how they enjoyed these moments the best when they both knew she was losing the battle. But Jongdae's mother never had any complaints; she was never sad, she never cried. She just accepted her fate with a strength and dignity that made Jongdae love her more and break his heart at the same time.
He's seventeen when she dies.
❄
The first thing Jongdae learns about Baekhyun is that he seems to be friends with everyone on campus.
The second thing he learns is that Baekhyun doesn't follow rules. Parties are strictly prohibited in the dorm, but Baekhyun still manages to sneak people in his flat and ruin Jongdae's life. He had just wanted to graduate from college quietly. And even though Baekhyun's friends are not as noisy as him, they still keep Jongdae awake.
Granted, Baekhyun never forgets to invite Jongdae to his parties. But parties are not part of Jongdae's senior year plans.
"What's the point of throwing parties if you're going to flee?" Jongdae yells when he hears his door unlock. He's used to this by now. It's not the first time Baekhyun barges into his flat in the middle of the night. "I should really change my pass code," he says to himself as he takes off his glasses and cleans the lenses with a tissue. He should rest his eyes for a while.
"Ah, empty threats," says Baekhyun while taking off his shoes by the entrance.
"You know there's a party going on in your flat, don't you?" Jongdae says instead, examining the cleanness of his glasses and putting them back on. "Are you aware you're supposed to be the host?"
Baekhyun has made himself comfortable in Jongdae's couch. The only light in the flat is the one from Jongdae's desk lamp, leaving Baekhyun's expression half hidden under the shadows. Even so, Jongdae thinks he's so beautiful it hurts.
"But you're here."
Jongdae realises Baekhyun's tipsy. He distinguishes the smell of cheap bear and notices Baekhyun's words are a bit slurred. He can still see Baekhyun's smug expression, though. Jongdae wants to punch him, or maybe kiss him… he's not sure. He's found out long ago he's never sure, when it comes to Baekhyun.
And amid hundreds of papers of critics’ studies about Medieval Spanish literature and a plastic cup of cheap take out coffee, Jongdae’s suddenly too aware of the weight Baekhyun’s words carry. He knows he should be careful but he also knows he’s already lost the battle; he looks up and sees Baekhyun, sitting on his couch with his ripped jeans and his impossibly soft hair. And yes, Jongdae would like to kiss him.
"Why didn't you come, Jongdae?" They've been through this before; Jongdae’s never come to Baekhyun's infamous parties. But this time, instead of sounding resentful, Baekhyun sounds a little sad. It makes Jongdae feel apologetic even if he's supposed to be the victim.
"It's a school night, some people want to graduate?" Jongdae questions, noting unexpectedly that if he keeps looking at Baekhyun he's going to do something they'll both regret. So he stands up and goes to the mini fridge to get a bottle of water. "Drink this,” he says, handing it to Baekhyun, “you'll feel better."
For an impossibly long instant Baekhyun stares at Jongdae, and it's unfair how in love Jongdae is with his friend. "Thanks," Baekhyun says, "I better go back."
And with that, Jongdae is left alone again. A bottle of water unopened on his empty couch and his heart, shattered in pieces.
The third thing Jongdae learns about Baekhyun is that he doesn't fall in love.
"Kerouac said that life was a blank page and we could do anything we ever wanted." Baekhyun announced one Sunday evening, before exams. "I forgot the miserable part of it: the long atrocious dripping of the week to come."
They were in Jongdae's flat. Baekhyun was sprawled on the couch and Jongdae was seated on his bed, surrounded by his books and notes. Sunday evenings reminded Jongdae of silent rides on the subway, on their way back home from the hospital. Sundays were the only day the three of them-his dad, his hyung, and he-went to visit his mother together. Sunday evenings made Jongdae bleak.
"Kerouac was a douche, Baek." Jongdae had never been fond of Kerouac but he could not be called a literature major if he didn't at least read On the Road. He had hated it, of course. "I had no idea you'd read Kerouac. I'm impressed."
"Actually, Dharma Bums was not that bad. But now that you mention it, Kerouac was kind of a douche." Baekhyun sat up while saying this, the sudden movement had Jongdae looking up at him.
"He was, although I only read On the Road. What an insufferable novel." Jongdae half grunted.
"Well, at least I got to impress you. I only read the book because I was trying to get into this guy's pants," Baekhyun said, and then added, smirking, "You're so easy."
"Do I need to remind you how easy it was for me to get you in my bed the day we first met?" Jongdae laughed, not at his own joke but at how close to home Baekhyun's words had hit. There was no denying how easy it was for Jongdae to find comfort next to Baekhyun. How Baekhyun had taken the dreadfulness of Sunday evenings and turned it into something warm, like home. Jongdae hadn’t felt at home in a very long time.
It’s so easy-too easy-how effortlessly Baekhyun becomes part of his life.
One day, Jongdae comes back home after classes and finds Baekhyun in a nest of blankets in Jongdae's bed, reading one of Jongdae's books.
"Oh, hi. You're home," Baekhyun says without taking his eyes off the book he's reading. Jongdae doesn't even bother asking him why he's here and not in his flat. He thinks he's heard every ridiculous excuse possible: ‘my room is too cold,’ ‘all the books are in your flat,’ ‘all the food I have has expired.’ He thinks he hears, ‘I don't want to be alone,’ every time instead, and he doesn't mind. It’s been a while since Jongdae’s shared space with another human being. He could use the company.
"You could just move in here, you know?" Says Jongdae while taking off his coat, he makes it as nonchalant as he can but he can see Baekhyun backing away already. "It'll save us a lot of money." The flat is warm. Jongdae wonders, with trepidation, if it’s because of the air conditioner or because of Baekhyun.
"Are you crazy?" Baekhyun replies, there’s something else in his voice, something more than chagrin. Jongdae can’t pinpoint what it is, exactly but he thinks it sounds a lot like when his mother had asked him not to forget her so soon. "I could never live with you."
The answer makes Jongdae a little jittery; he stops in his tracks and forgets what he was going to do. For the past month, he has never come home to an empty flat, Baekhyun has always been waiting for his return, "What... why?"
"Have you read this book?" Says Baekhyun, instead. "Is all this verbosity worthy of my time? Part of me feels like I need to quit but I've grown quite attached to the main character?"
He's doing it again, Jongdae thinks. Typical Byun Baekhyun behaviour: to close in on himself and change the topic whenever he thinks he's being scrutinised.
"You should finish what you started, Baek. It's a good story, keep reading." After he says this, Jongdae remembers what he was looking for: his phone, he's hungry but he's also too tired to go out. "Do you want to eat jjajang?"
"If you're buying, yes." Is all Baekhyun says, but Jongdae knows he's gone back to reading.
❄
Jongdae learns about Baekhyun’s mother from Chanyeol. Chanyeol is a tall, lanky guy with a toothpaste ad smile. He’s loud, like Baekhyun, but he’s also warm in all the places Baekhyun is not. Jongdae thinks Chanyeol wears his heart on the outside whereas Baekhyun keeps his where it’s supposed to be: on the inside. Chanyeol is Baekhyun’s childhood friend. And although he goes to a different college, he still crashes on Baekhyun’s flat more often than not.
“I have to check on him, from time to time,” Chanyeol tells Jongdae, on their first meeting. While waiting for Baekhyun’s class to end, they decided to go to a coffee shop across campus. Chanyeol takes out his winter hat and his hair sticks out in every direction. Jongdae wants to smooth it but opts against it. Chanyeol’s over friendliness is comfortable but Jongdae still doesn’t know what his relationship with Baekhyun is. All he knows is what Baekhyun texted him, ‘Wanna grab lunch together? Chanyeol’s coming, you should meet him.’
“Oh.” Is all Jongdae manages to say. He’s always liked the matcha latte of this particular coffee shop but today it tastes different. Maybe they changed baristas. Chanyeol’s loudly stirring his hot chocolate on the other side of the table.
“You know, Baekhyun hasn’t gone home ever since he moved to the dorm.” Jongdae notices Chanyeol and Baekhyun have more things in common than he wants to admit: they both possess the ability to make friends easily and they both like sugary drinks. But while it’s Baekhyun’s words that make him loud, Chanyeol’s loudness resides in his actions. “Baekbeom hyung’s worried but he doesn’t have time to visit, so I come for him.”
Jongdae suddenly realises he doesn't know much about Baekhyun. Sure, he knows Baekhyun can't eat spicy things without sweating profusely and crying a little, he knows Baekhyun makes whimpering puppy noises in his sleep, and he knows Baekhyun loves candy. But he had no idea Baekhyun had an older brother, he had no idea Baekhyun hadn't been home all this time. He wonders how much more there is he doesn't know and there's an ominous feeling in his chest that makes him want to know everything about Baekhyun.
"Why?" Jongdae asks. Chanyeol looks so much like a giant puppy, with that confused expression on his face.
"Why what?"
Why everything, Jongdae wants to say. Why do you come all the way here? Why do you have to check on Baekhyun? Why doesn't he go home? Where's home? Instead, he asks, "Did he do something wrong?"
"No. But the idiot thinks he did," Chanyeol answers, earnestly and then he shots Jongdae an amused glance, "You want to know what?"
"No," Jongdae says, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden. But before he can regret it, he adds, "…maybe."
Chanyeol looks content, like he's about to talk about his favourite dishes or how he prefers to eat his ramyeon. "His mum left the house when Baekhyun turned 15."
"Why?" Says Jongdae, again; albeit more to himself than to Chanyeol.
"Dunno." Is all Chanyeol says before getting up and putting his hat back on, "Let's go."
Something starts to make sense, in Jongdae's mind. He remembers how Baekhyun avoids his empty flat like the plague and his heart drops to his stomach. Turning his attention back at Chanyeol, he asks, "Are you and Baekhyun dating?"
"No. Not that I know." Chanyeol's hair is a mess even under his hat. Jongdae reaches out, this time, and gets Chanyeol’s bangs out of his eyes. The gesture earns him one of Chanyeol's brilliant smiles. "Are you?"
"Not that I know." Jongdae says. Thinking, But I want to.
Baekhyun doesn’t go to Jongdae’s flat when Chanyeol is around. On these days, Jongdae goes to sleep to the sound of Baekhyun’s laughter coming through the thin walls. He thinks it’s unfair how easy it was for Baekhyun to make a place for himself in Jongdae’s life, only to move out of there whenever he thought it was convenient. The thing about being able to fit yourself into someone else’s life is that you can do that with anybody. Jongdae is only a piece in Baekhyun’s life puzzle.
❄
Jongdae has finally decided to show up to one of Baekhyun's parties. They're supposed to be celebrating the end of exams but everyone knows Baekhyun doesn't need reasons to throw parties.
It's Baekhyun who opens the door and lets him in. His eyes are slightly unfocused but his smile is blinding. Jongdae takes a mental picture of it and keeps it close to his heart, for rainy days.
"You came!" If Baekhyun were sober, he'd keep his bliss hidden. Jongdae feels a little proud, a little hopeful.
"I did," he says, "I needed a break."
And it's the truth, except he also wants to spend time with Baekhyun.
"You're such a nerd," says Baekhyun, fondly, handing Jongdae a beer. Their fingers brush, softly. Baekhyun's hands are so pretty. Jongdae just wants to touch him.
"You love me anyway," Jongdae says a little flustered. He knows Baekhyun's not drunk enough to miss the undertones of doubt in Jongdae's voice.
What Jongdae sees in Baekhyun's eyes, instead, is Baekhyun backing away; taking whatever it is he was feeling and folding it, again and again, like origami. "Whatever. You love me the most," he says, turning away from Jongdae and moving to join a conversation on the other side of the flat. Jongdae watches, with distaste, how easily people welcome Baekhyun.
It's impressive, how many people are willing to be squished into Baekhyun's tiny flat for this party. There are a couple of people Jongdae recognises from some of his classes. He remembers Junmyeon sunbae, the TA from LITR 122 who couldn't find it in himself to refuse to take people's papers when they didn't meet the deadline. There’s also Minseok, who'd sat next to him in ENG 113 even though he had this exchange student called Luhan saving a seat for him every day.
Yixing, Luhan's self-proclaimed best friend, is also at the party. Jongdae finds him sitting alone in a corner with a book in his hands and is about to keep moving when he hears Yixing ask, holding up the book for Jongdae to see, "Is this one good?" He had no idea Yixing was aware of his presence. In Jongdae's defence most of the time Yixing gave the impression of not being part of any reality but his own.
"If you like to read depressing stories about kids with cancer falling in love and then dying; then yes." This is the most honest answer Jongdae's ever given someone.
Yixing looks at Jongdae, startled. Jongdae had never realised how cute Yixing is. He starts thinking maybe coming to this party wasn't such a bad idea, after all. "Who'd write something like that?" Yixing's messy Korean accent is terribly endearing, Jongdae might be interested. Even if the idea of being interested in someone other than Baekhyun makes him want to crawl to his bed and hide under the covers, he has to admit Baekhyun's done nothing but ignore him all night.
"Only a sick person, hyung. It's based on a true story, too." Yixing is staring at the book like it's giving him the answers instead of Jongdae.
"Huh." Yixing mumbles, after doing some more staring at the picture of the author on the cover. "He seems like a nice guy. I like his jacket."
Jongdae laughs because that was exactly the kind of answer he was expecting from Yixing, who seems pleased with the effect his words had on Jongdae. "Come here," Yixing says, patting the space next to him on the floor, "sit with me and tell me about books."
Yixing's telling him about the books that'd made him cry. "Little Women was the worst," he says, "I was only twelve but I cried my eyes out. When I finished the book I cried so much, mum had to take me out for ice cream, to make me feel better."
Jongdae could get used to this. Yixing's voice is soft and soothing, and he really wants to poke the single dimple that appears whenever Yixing smiles. "But what about The Little Prince, hyung?" Jongdae is such a sucker for The Little Prince.
"Oh no!" Yixing looks like he's being wounded. Jongdae thinks it's adorable how seriously he takes books. "I forgot about that one!"
"Hey, have you guys seen Baekhyun?" Luhan asks. "We ran out of beer."
"Then go buy some," Yixing scoffs, "we're having an intellectual conversation here."
"Oh, sorry to interrupt your flirting," says Luhan, "Please carry on, it’s not like you have any idea what you're doing."
Yixing switches to Mandarin, Jongdae's sure he hears Minseok's name being said, twice. Luhan blushes and replies in fast Mandarin. And while they banter, Jongdae scans the flat looking for Baekhyun, who seems to love disappearing in the middle of his own parties.
He suddenly realises he knows exactly where Baekhyun is. "Hyung, I know where Baekhyun is. I'll be right back."
Jongdae finds Baekhyun in his bed, under the covers.
"What are you doing here?" Jongdae asks, sitting on the bed next to him. He knows Baekhyun's not sleeping even if his eyes are closed. When Baekhyun is asleep, he makes soft noises. "Everyone's looking for you."
Baekhyun opens his eyes and stares at him for a while. Jongdae hates how much he wants to touch him, to run his fingers through Baekhyun's soft hair, to hold him and tell him about his favourite books, quote his favourite passages. "Did they run out of beer?"
That's exactly what happened but Jongdae knows if he tells this to Baekhyun, he's going to take those words and hurt himself with them. "Why are you here?" He asks, instead. He's tired of Baekhyun hiding his insecurities under layers of big words and actions. "Why are you so scared?"
"How's Yixing hyung?" Baekhyun says, almost yelling, "You should go back to the party. I bet he's waiting for you." He turns to his side, turning his back on Jongdae.
"This is ridiculous, Baek." It is. Jongdae knows it is; he doesn't know what to do with Baekhyun. Why was it so bad to flirt with Yixing when Baekhyun had been ignoring him all night? "Please talk to me."
"Go talk to Yixing hyung." Baekhyun sounds so broken and alone, and so sad. It's unfair how miserable he can make Jongdae feel, especially when he knows he's done nothing wrong.
"Don't be like this," Jongdae says, and this time he reaches out and starts patting Baekhyun's head. Baekhyun stills under his touch, for a second, and then he's getting out of bed.
"Fine, if you don't go. I will!" Baekhyun shouts, moving towards the door. Jongdae grabs him by the arm, turns him around so they face each other but Baekhyun still won't meet his eyes. Suddenly, there's this sinking feeling in the pit of Jongdae's stomach as he realises maybe Baekhyun had been crying.
"What's wrong, Baek? Talk to me." Jongdae doesn't know what to do, so he goes by instinct and hugs Baekhyun and tries very hard to make his heart stay still.
"I'm sorry,” Baekhyun says, sounding small and defeated. Jongdae is so used to Baekhyun being the sun, having everyone orbit around him. It hurts to see him like this, "I know it's unfair but I saw you talking to Yixing hyung and thought maybe you--"
"Maybe I wouldn't want to hang out with you anymore? Is that it?" Jongdae asks, earnestly. "You won't get rid of me that easily, stupid." Baekhyun's hair smells good. Jongdae should ask him later what brand of shampoo he uses.
"What?" Baekhyun ends the hug. Jongdae's arms fall awkwardly to his side.
"Chanyeol told me about your mum. He said you think she left because of you." This time, Baekhyun is looking him in the eyes but Jongdae doesn't know what to make of them. "But I'm not going anywhere."
"You have no idea what you're talking about," Baekhyun bites back, voice laced with bitterness. He turns his eyes away from Jongdae and moves to the door, again. Jongdae stands between Baekhyun and the door.
"You're right, I don't. But whatever happened, I'm sure it wasn't your fault." Jongdae just wants to help, why Baekhyun can’t let him help.
Baekhyun lets out a horrible laugh, then. "Yeah, sure it wasn't my fault. My dear mother caught me making out with a dude in my room when I was fifteen. But yeah I'm sure that wasn't the reason she left, a week later. It was probably something to do with money, or the mafia." Jongdae can see tears welling up in Baekhyun's eyes and all he wants to do is hold him and tell him he's not going anywhere, he's not leaving him. "Your mum died, Jongdae. She didn't have a choice. Mine did, and she decided we weren't good enough for her. I wasn't good enough for her, and she left. My father drank for an entire month, my stupid hyung acted like nothing was wrong. It was horrible. I hated living in that house." Baekhyun is crying, now. Jongdae hugs him again. Rubs circle on his back.
"Whatever happened, I'm sure it was your mother's fault, Baek, and not yours," Jongdae says. Baekhyun's arms remain by his side; he's not hugging Jongdae back. "And I'm sure your father and your hyung don't blame you, either. You need to talk to them."
When Jongdae’s mother died, Jongdae decided he was going to sit back and watch things go by, so he wouldn’t miss them much when they were gone. But watching things happen without taking part in them isn’t really being alive. Witnessing people being happy doesn’t make you happy.
"Am I allowed to be happy, Jongdae?" Jongdae feels Baekhyun's arms circling around his waist, shyly.
"Who told you this? You tell me right now who told you this because I swear to God I'll knock them down!" Jongdae had no idea Baekhyun was in so much pain, all this time keeping everything to himself, acting like he was living the dream when he was so miserable and alone. "Everyone deserves to be happy, stupid… even you." Baekhyun tightens his arms so hard Jongdae's out of breath but he still manages to say, "I'm not going anywhere, Baek. You're going to be stuck with me forever."
Jongdae’s lost important people in his life, too. He’s been hurt and has learnt not to take things-and people-for granted. But Baekhyun’s being unfair if he thinks Jongdae doesn’t genuinely care about him.
"There's also Chanyeol," Jongdae adds, "And Yixing hyung, and Luhan hyung. And have you seen the way Junmyeon sunbae looks at you?" Baekhyun snorts into Jongdae's neck.
The thing with Baekhyun is: he bullies people into liking him. And when they do, he keeps them at arm’s length in case one day they decide to leave, like his mother did. But Baekhyun needs to understand not everyone leaves.
❄
Jongdae doesn't see Baekhyun for an entire week after his outburst. That night, they'd fallen asleep in Jongdae's bed, side by side. Jongdae had told Baekhyun everything there was to know about his mother. It's ironic, how obsessed Jongdae's mother had been about creating memories before she died, when the things Jongdae remembers the most are the ones that were not important. The ones that were being taken for granted when they were happening.
The next morning Jongdae had woken up to an empty bed and a post-it on his forehead that read, Going home, then he had gone to his kitchen to get a glass of water and he'd found another post-it, stuck to the fridge's door. That one said, Thank you and had hearts filling all the empty space around the words.
And then, a week had passed. Jongdae found himself thinking about Baekhyun more often than not. Memories can be bliss but they can also be cruel, sneaking up on you when you least expect them. For all his mother's efforts about creating memories, Jongdae has learnt that, in the end, all attempts are futile because your brain and your heart are going to remember whatever they want to. He can't remember what his mother wanted him to. Instead he remembers how soft her skin was, how bright her smile was, despite her paleness. How she'd never lost that flowery scent, even when Jongdae thought her body would, sooner or later, acquire the characteristic smell of hospitals.
Right now, all he can remember is Baekhyun.
It's Chanyeol that lets him know Baekhyun was home. He sends him an awful picture of him and Baekhyun in what appears to be a playground. It's dark and Chanyeol's V sign covers half of his face. Baekhyun's in the back, tiny and smiling radiantly. Jongdae's heart constricts, then swells. ‘Late night date,’ the text reads. Jongdae smiles to his phone so much his face starts to hurt.
Well, at least Jongdae knows Baekhyun's safe. And classes are starting the day after so Baekhyun should be home soon. Jongdae looks at the picture again and feels his heart growing out of his chest.
Except classes start and Baekhyun starts spending time with a tall exchange student named Huang Zitao.
"A kid with no manners," is all Minseok says when Jongdae asks about him.
"A brat," is what Luhan tells him.
"Who's a brat?" Yixing asks, finally looking up from his food tray.
"Eat your food," Luhan commands. They're having lunch in the cafeteria. Minseok is pretending Luhan doesn't exist, while Luhan is pretending there's no one else in the world but Minseok. Yixing finds food more interesting than people, and Jongdae just wants to know who Zitao is and why Baekhyun won't talk to him.
❄
It's been two weeks since Baekhyun and Jongdae last talked. In the interim, Jongdae had almost deleted the picture Chanyeol sent him. He doesn't want to have someone else's boyfriend in his phone’s gallery, but his heart keeps doing things whenever he looks at it. And every time he makes up his mind about deleting the picture, Jongdae finds he’s unable to press confirm. He decides to only focus on his classes, as he had planned from the beginning.
But now the nights are too quiet without Baekhyun and his parties. Jongdae whines a lot. Luhan tells him to man up and grow out of it. Jongdae shots him an inquiring look and then looks at Minseok, who says nothing. Yixing asks him if he wants to go watch a movie together, "The one about the kids with cancer that fall in love. Maybe we can spoil the movie for everybody, shouting ‘THEY ALL DIE,’ right before it starts. Maybe that’ll make you feel better."
"Thanks hyung, but no thanks," Jongdae answers, "and not all of them die."
"Great, now you ruined the ending," says Yixing, feigning annoyance. Jongdae knows he's only trying to make Jongdae feel better. And then he adds, wriggling his eyebrows, "Maybe you should fall in love with me, instead."
Maybe Jongdae should.
Jongdae's resting his head on the table when he hears his door unlock. He'd been doing research for a paper all evening and he's too tired to look up. So he doesn't. Instead he focuses on the darkness outside his window, and he closes his eyes as he hears footsteps approaching. There's only one person those footsteps can belong to, and that's the last person Jongdae wants to see right now. He doesn't have the energy to deal with this.
"Jongdae?" He hears Baekhyun, the asshole, ask quietly. He doesn't dare answer and instead hears Baekhyun coming closer. This is the first time Baekhyun's ever been so quiet. Jongdae feels Baekhyun behind him, how close is he? He feels Baekhyun's lips on the nape of his neck and this is when Jongdae looks up. His eyes meet a startled Baekhyun.
"What are you doing?" Jongdae asks. Baekhyun's blushing bright red and before he can run away, Jongdae grabs his hand. "What are you doing, Baekhyun?" He asks again.
"I... Jongdae, I…" Baekhyun starts, lamely, "Hi?"
Jongdae drops Baekhyun's arm. "Hi? Are you kidding me?" Jongdae's so tired of this, "What do you want? Did you get bored of your new toy so you decided maybe it would be convenient if you looked for the old one, since he's always going to be around, waiting?"
"What? No." Says Baekhyun, defensively. "Look, Jongdae. I'm sorry. I just needed to sort things over."
"What does that even mean?" Jongdae grunts, "I'm too tired to play games, Baekhyun. What are you doing here?"
"I was in my room, watching this stupid movie, and the entire time I was thinking how nice it would be to watch it with you and curl up in your lap and press my face against the nape of your neck to see if you still smell like I remember. You do."
It's Jongdae the one blushing this time. He crosses his arms to distract Baekhyun from the redness in his cheeks. Baekhyun’s not going to buy it; he notices everything, it’s unnerving. "Why now? What about that Zitao kid?"
"Tao? Oh, he just wanted to get into Chanyeol's pants." Baekhyun makes a grimacing face. "I'm sorry, Jongdae. After the last time I sort of... freaked out. I decided I needed to make things right, so I went home first. Hyung was grinning the whole time, like the stupid idiot he is. But my dad was also happy, Jongdae. He said he was sorry he was a mess for a while. Mum's still a jerk but I don't care about her anymore."
Jongdae doesn't have anything to say; he’s speechless, Baekhyun is finally saying all the right words.
"Look, it was also your fault. You got me confused when you said I was going to be stuck with you forever, and then you added Chanyeol, and Yixing hyung, and Luhan hyung and I just… Do you know you look like a kitten when you sleep? It’s cute.” Baekhyun’s glowing; Jongdae’s over the moon. “Oh, I also forgot to tell you I lost my phone on the train to Buncheon. I told Chanyeol to send you a picture of us in the playground. You got it, didn't you? Do you still have it?"
"No," Jongdae says, he's still sulking, "maybe."
"Of course you do, you love me." Baekhyun's smile is radiant. Jongdae's blinded. "For the record, I love you, too."
Author: iwantchocopie
Recipient: gloomvalleys
Pairing/Focus: Baekhyun/Jongdae
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of character death, slight internalised homophobia, spoilers for The Fault in our Stars.
Length: 5713
Summary: Jongdae thinks it is unfair how effortlessly Baekhyun becomes part of his life.
Baekhyun has been living on campus since freshman year, when Jongdae moves to the university dorm.
"I've lived here for three years. I can't believe I'm going to have to move out next year," Baekhyun says from his comfortable spot on Jongdae's bed.
Jongdae's been unpacking since early that morning. Classes start the next day and he wants to be done by then.
Baekhyun, on the other hand, has been talking since he invited himself into Jongdae's micro flat. He claimed he wanted to give the new neighbour a nice warm welcome and dropped into Jongdae's bed right after, but he doesn't lift a finger to help. "I'd help you but my head is killing me. I think I drank too much last night," Baekhyun declares, rubbing his temples dramatically, an act that Jongdae doesn’t buy. "In fact, I was just coming back from the party when I noticed I had a new neighbour and I knew right away I had to say hello."
"If you talk this much when you're hung over I don't even want to know how much you talk when you're sober." Jongdae's trying to find the box that says 'books I', he already has the ones that say 'books II' and 'books III.’
"Touché," Baekhyun says with an amused look on his face. "I like you, neighbour. I still don't know your name though."
"Could that be because you've been talking about yourself non-stop, you maybe forgot to ask?" Jongdae's not annoyed, not really; he's just tired. "Sorry, that was rude. I'm Kim Jongdae."
"No need to be sorry, we're going to be neighbours. I'm Byun Baekhyun, please take care of me." Baekhyun bows, lowering his head a little. Jongdae finds the gesture a little endearing but maybe Baekhyun is just still a bit drunk. "I like the flowery pattern of your sheets," he says while making himself comfortable on Jongdae's bed again. "My sheets are boring, they're just blue."
Jongdae doesn't want to start thinking about the day his mother bought those sheets for him. But brains never cooperate when you want them to. They always remember things that you don't want to-especially the things that you don't want to.
Sometimes Jongdae thinks brains-and consequently, memories-are only there to make you suffer. So it's no wonder Jongdae is now vividly remembering how cold it had been the day he went to the market with his mother. Suddenly, he's breathing the smell of bindaetteok, seeing the colours of hanboks, tasting the kimbap they had shared. "Thank you, I guess?" He says, a little shaken by the power the memory carries. "They were a present."
He doesn't have to elaborate more because there's no reaction from Baekhyun, who has already fallen asleep.
Well, this has to be the fastest Jongdae's ever been at getting a guy in bed, and he didn't even have to do or say anything. But if this isn't close to a warm welcome then Jongdae has no idea what is. Baekhyun makes tiny noises in his sleep while Jongdae puts a flower patterned duvet over him.
❄
Jongdae starts losing his mother when he's fifteen. For an entire year he witnesses how she fades away slowly. How she gets skinnier, paler but never less bright. She's always been a fighter.
He goes to the hospital after school every day to keep her company. Jongdae's mother never liked being alone. Some days are better than others. Some days she's cheerful and happy, and she's allowed to go outside to get fresh air. Jongdae treasures these days the most. His mother would start talking about all the things she did when she was younger and all the things she didn't do, too, but she never says she regrets any of them.
It's ironic, how they enjoyed these moments the best when they both knew she was losing the battle. But Jongdae's mother never had any complaints; she was never sad, she never cried. She just accepted her fate with a strength and dignity that made Jongdae love her more and break his heart at the same time.
He's seventeen when she dies.
❄
The first thing Jongdae learns about Baekhyun is that he seems to be friends with everyone on campus.
The second thing he learns is that Baekhyun doesn't follow rules. Parties are strictly prohibited in the dorm, but Baekhyun still manages to sneak people in his flat and ruin Jongdae's life. He had just wanted to graduate from college quietly. And even though Baekhyun's friends are not as noisy as him, they still keep Jongdae awake.
Granted, Baekhyun never forgets to invite Jongdae to his parties. But parties are not part of Jongdae's senior year plans.
"What's the point of throwing parties if you're going to flee?" Jongdae yells when he hears his door unlock. He's used to this by now. It's not the first time Baekhyun barges into his flat in the middle of the night. "I should really change my pass code," he says to himself as he takes off his glasses and cleans the lenses with a tissue. He should rest his eyes for a while.
"Ah, empty threats," says Baekhyun while taking off his shoes by the entrance.
"You know there's a party going on in your flat, don't you?" Jongdae says instead, examining the cleanness of his glasses and putting them back on. "Are you aware you're supposed to be the host?"
Baekhyun has made himself comfortable in Jongdae's couch. The only light in the flat is the one from Jongdae's desk lamp, leaving Baekhyun's expression half hidden under the shadows. Even so, Jongdae thinks he's so beautiful it hurts.
"But you're here."
Jongdae realises Baekhyun's tipsy. He distinguishes the smell of cheap bear and notices Baekhyun's words are a bit slurred. He can still see Baekhyun's smug expression, though. Jongdae wants to punch him, or maybe kiss him… he's not sure. He's found out long ago he's never sure, when it comes to Baekhyun.
And amid hundreds of papers of critics’ studies about Medieval Spanish literature and a plastic cup of cheap take out coffee, Jongdae’s suddenly too aware of the weight Baekhyun’s words carry. He knows he should be careful but he also knows he’s already lost the battle; he looks up and sees Baekhyun, sitting on his couch with his ripped jeans and his impossibly soft hair. And yes, Jongdae would like to kiss him.
"Why didn't you come, Jongdae?" They've been through this before; Jongdae’s never come to Baekhyun's infamous parties. But this time, instead of sounding resentful, Baekhyun sounds a little sad. It makes Jongdae feel apologetic even if he's supposed to be the victim.
"It's a school night, some people want to graduate?" Jongdae questions, noting unexpectedly that if he keeps looking at Baekhyun he's going to do something they'll both regret. So he stands up and goes to the mini fridge to get a bottle of water. "Drink this,” he says, handing it to Baekhyun, “you'll feel better."
For an impossibly long instant Baekhyun stares at Jongdae, and it's unfair how in love Jongdae is with his friend. "Thanks," Baekhyun says, "I better go back."
And with that, Jongdae is left alone again. A bottle of water unopened on his empty couch and his heart, shattered in pieces.
The third thing Jongdae learns about Baekhyun is that he doesn't fall in love.
"Kerouac said that life was a blank page and we could do anything we ever wanted." Baekhyun announced one Sunday evening, before exams. "I forgot the miserable part of it: the long atrocious dripping of the week to come."
They were in Jongdae's flat. Baekhyun was sprawled on the couch and Jongdae was seated on his bed, surrounded by his books and notes. Sunday evenings reminded Jongdae of silent rides on the subway, on their way back home from the hospital. Sundays were the only day the three of them-his dad, his hyung, and he-went to visit his mother together. Sunday evenings made Jongdae bleak.
"Kerouac was a douche, Baek." Jongdae had never been fond of Kerouac but he could not be called a literature major if he didn't at least read On the Road. He had hated it, of course. "I had no idea you'd read Kerouac. I'm impressed."
"Actually, Dharma Bums was not that bad. But now that you mention it, Kerouac was kind of a douche." Baekhyun sat up while saying this, the sudden movement had Jongdae looking up at him.
"He was, although I only read On the Road. What an insufferable novel." Jongdae half grunted.
"Well, at least I got to impress you. I only read the book because I was trying to get into this guy's pants," Baekhyun said, and then added, smirking, "You're so easy."
"Do I need to remind you how easy it was for me to get you in my bed the day we first met?" Jongdae laughed, not at his own joke but at how close to home Baekhyun's words had hit. There was no denying how easy it was for Jongdae to find comfort next to Baekhyun. How Baekhyun had taken the dreadfulness of Sunday evenings and turned it into something warm, like home. Jongdae hadn’t felt at home in a very long time.
It’s so easy-too easy-how effortlessly Baekhyun becomes part of his life.
One day, Jongdae comes back home after classes and finds Baekhyun in a nest of blankets in Jongdae's bed, reading one of Jongdae's books.
"Oh, hi. You're home," Baekhyun says without taking his eyes off the book he's reading. Jongdae doesn't even bother asking him why he's here and not in his flat. He thinks he's heard every ridiculous excuse possible: ‘my room is too cold,’ ‘all the books are in your flat,’ ‘all the food I have has expired.’ He thinks he hears, ‘I don't want to be alone,’ every time instead, and he doesn't mind. It’s been a while since Jongdae’s shared space with another human being. He could use the company.
"You could just move in here, you know?" Says Jongdae while taking off his coat, he makes it as nonchalant as he can but he can see Baekhyun backing away already. "It'll save us a lot of money." The flat is warm. Jongdae wonders, with trepidation, if it’s because of the air conditioner or because of Baekhyun.
"Are you crazy?" Baekhyun replies, there’s something else in his voice, something more than chagrin. Jongdae can’t pinpoint what it is, exactly but he thinks it sounds a lot like when his mother had asked him not to forget her so soon. "I could never live with you."
The answer makes Jongdae a little jittery; he stops in his tracks and forgets what he was going to do. For the past month, he has never come home to an empty flat, Baekhyun has always been waiting for his return, "What... why?"
"Have you read this book?" Says Baekhyun, instead. "Is all this verbosity worthy of my time? Part of me feels like I need to quit but I've grown quite attached to the main character?"
He's doing it again, Jongdae thinks. Typical Byun Baekhyun behaviour: to close in on himself and change the topic whenever he thinks he's being scrutinised.
"You should finish what you started, Baek. It's a good story, keep reading." After he says this, Jongdae remembers what he was looking for: his phone, he's hungry but he's also too tired to go out. "Do you want to eat jjajang?"
"If you're buying, yes." Is all Baekhyun says, but Jongdae knows he's gone back to reading.
❄
Jongdae learns about Baekhyun’s mother from Chanyeol. Chanyeol is a tall, lanky guy with a toothpaste ad smile. He’s loud, like Baekhyun, but he’s also warm in all the places Baekhyun is not. Jongdae thinks Chanyeol wears his heart on the outside whereas Baekhyun keeps his where it’s supposed to be: on the inside. Chanyeol is Baekhyun’s childhood friend. And although he goes to a different college, he still crashes on Baekhyun’s flat more often than not.
“I have to check on him, from time to time,” Chanyeol tells Jongdae, on their first meeting. While waiting for Baekhyun’s class to end, they decided to go to a coffee shop across campus. Chanyeol takes out his winter hat and his hair sticks out in every direction. Jongdae wants to smooth it but opts against it. Chanyeol’s over friendliness is comfortable but Jongdae still doesn’t know what his relationship with Baekhyun is. All he knows is what Baekhyun texted him, ‘Wanna grab lunch together? Chanyeol’s coming, you should meet him.’
“Oh.” Is all Jongdae manages to say. He’s always liked the matcha latte of this particular coffee shop but today it tastes different. Maybe they changed baristas. Chanyeol’s loudly stirring his hot chocolate on the other side of the table.
“You know, Baekhyun hasn’t gone home ever since he moved to the dorm.” Jongdae notices Chanyeol and Baekhyun have more things in common than he wants to admit: they both possess the ability to make friends easily and they both like sugary drinks. But while it’s Baekhyun’s words that make him loud, Chanyeol’s loudness resides in his actions. “Baekbeom hyung’s worried but he doesn’t have time to visit, so I come for him.”
Jongdae suddenly realises he doesn't know much about Baekhyun. Sure, he knows Baekhyun can't eat spicy things without sweating profusely and crying a little, he knows Baekhyun makes whimpering puppy noises in his sleep, and he knows Baekhyun loves candy. But he had no idea Baekhyun had an older brother, he had no idea Baekhyun hadn't been home all this time. He wonders how much more there is he doesn't know and there's an ominous feeling in his chest that makes him want to know everything about Baekhyun.
"Why?" Jongdae asks. Chanyeol looks so much like a giant puppy, with that confused expression on his face.
"Why what?"
Why everything, Jongdae wants to say. Why do you come all the way here? Why do you have to check on Baekhyun? Why doesn't he go home? Where's home? Instead, he asks, "Did he do something wrong?"
"No. But the idiot thinks he did," Chanyeol answers, earnestly and then he shots Jongdae an amused glance, "You want to know what?"
"No," Jongdae says, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden. But before he can regret it, he adds, "…maybe."
Chanyeol looks content, like he's about to talk about his favourite dishes or how he prefers to eat his ramyeon. "His mum left the house when Baekhyun turned 15."
"Why?" Says Jongdae, again; albeit more to himself than to Chanyeol.
"Dunno." Is all Chanyeol says before getting up and putting his hat back on, "Let's go."
Something starts to make sense, in Jongdae's mind. He remembers how Baekhyun avoids his empty flat like the plague and his heart drops to his stomach. Turning his attention back at Chanyeol, he asks, "Are you and Baekhyun dating?"
"No. Not that I know." Chanyeol's hair is a mess even under his hat. Jongdae reaches out, this time, and gets Chanyeol’s bangs out of his eyes. The gesture earns him one of Chanyeol's brilliant smiles. "Are you?"
"Not that I know." Jongdae says. Thinking, But I want to.
Baekhyun doesn’t go to Jongdae’s flat when Chanyeol is around. On these days, Jongdae goes to sleep to the sound of Baekhyun’s laughter coming through the thin walls. He thinks it’s unfair how easy it was for Baekhyun to make a place for himself in Jongdae’s life, only to move out of there whenever he thought it was convenient. The thing about being able to fit yourself into someone else’s life is that you can do that with anybody. Jongdae is only a piece in Baekhyun’s life puzzle.
❄
Jongdae has finally decided to show up to one of Baekhyun's parties. They're supposed to be celebrating the end of exams but everyone knows Baekhyun doesn't need reasons to throw parties.
It's Baekhyun who opens the door and lets him in. His eyes are slightly unfocused but his smile is blinding. Jongdae takes a mental picture of it and keeps it close to his heart, for rainy days.
"You came!" If Baekhyun were sober, he'd keep his bliss hidden. Jongdae feels a little proud, a little hopeful.
"I did," he says, "I needed a break."
And it's the truth, except he also wants to spend time with Baekhyun.
"You're such a nerd," says Baekhyun, fondly, handing Jongdae a beer. Their fingers brush, softly. Baekhyun's hands are so pretty. Jongdae just wants to touch him.
"You love me anyway," Jongdae says a little flustered. He knows Baekhyun's not drunk enough to miss the undertones of doubt in Jongdae's voice.
What Jongdae sees in Baekhyun's eyes, instead, is Baekhyun backing away; taking whatever it is he was feeling and folding it, again and again, like origami. "Whatever. You love me the most," he says, turning away from Jongdae and moving to join a conversation on the other side of the flat. Jongdae watches, with distaste, how easily people welcome Baekhyun.
It's impressive, how many people are willing to be squished into Baekhyun's tiny flat for this party. There are a couple of people Jongdae recognises from some of his classes. He remembers Junmyeon sunbae, the TA from LITR 122 who couldn't find it in himself to refuse to take people's papers when they didn't meet the deadline. There’s also Minseok, who'd sat next to him in ENG 113 even though he had this exchange student called Luhan saving a seat for him every day.
Yixing, Luhan's self-proclaimed best friend, is also at the party. Jongdae finds him sitting alone in a corner with a book in his hands and is about to keep moving when he hears Yixing ask, holding up the book for Jongdae to see, "Is this one good?" He had no idea Yixing was aware of his presence. In Jongdae's defence most of the time Yixing gave the impression of not being part of any reality but his own.
"If you like to read depressing stories about kids with cancer falling in love and then dying; then yes." This is the most honest answer Jongdae's ever given someone.
Yixing looks at Jongdae, startled. Jongdae had never realised how cute Yixing is. He starts thinking maybe coming to this party wasn't such a bad idea, after all. "Who'd write something like that?" Yixing's messy Korean accent is terribly endearing, Jongdae might be interested. Even if the idea of being interested in someone other than Baekhyun makes him want to crawl to his bed and hide under the covers, he has to admit Baekhyun's done nothing but ignore him all night.
"Only a sick person, hyung. It's based on a true story, too." Yixing is staring at the book like it's giving him the answers instead of Jongdae.
"Huh." Yixing mumbles, after doing some more staring at the picture of the author on the cover. "He seems like a nice guy. I like his jacket."
Jongdae laughs because that was exactly the kind of answer he was expecting from Yixing, who seems pleased with the effect his words had on Jongdae. "Come here," Yixing says, patting the space next to him on the floor, "sit with me and tell me about books."
Yixing's telling him about the books that'd made him cry. "Little Women was the worst," he says, "I was only twelve but I cried my eyes out. When I finished the book I cried so much, mum had to take me out for ice cream, to make me feel better."
Jongdae could get used to this. Yixing's voice is soft and soothing, and he really wants to poke the single dimple that appears whenever Yixing smiles. "But what about The Little Prince, hyung?" Jongdae is such a sucker for The Little Prince.
"Oh no!" Yixing looks like he's being wounded. Jongdae thinks it's adorable how seriously he takes books. "I forgot about that one!"
"Hey, have you guys seen Baekhyun?" Luhan asks. "We ran out of beer."
"Then go buy some," Yixing scoffs, "we're having an intellectual conversation here."
"Oh, sorry to interrupt your flirting," says Luhan, "Please carry on, it’s not like you have any idea what you're doing."
Yixing switches to Mandarin, Jongdae's sure he hears Minseok's name being said, twice. Luhan blushes and replies in fast Mandarin. And while they banter, Jongdae scans the flat looking for Baekhyun, who seems to love disappearing in the middle of his own parties.
He suddenly realises he knows exactly where Baekhyun is. "Hyung, I know where Baekhyun is. I'll be right back."
Jongdae finds Baekhyun in his bed, under the covers.
"What are you doing here?" Jongdae asks, sitting on the bed next to him. He knows Baekhyun's not sleeping even if his eyes are closed. When Baekhyun is asleep, he makes soft noises. "Everyone's looking for you."
Baekhyun opens his eyes and stares at him for a while. Jongdae hates how much he wants to touch him, to run his fingers through Baekhyun's soft hair, to hold him and tell him about his favourite books, quote his favourite passages. "Did they run out of beer?"
That's exactly what happened but Jongdae knows if he tells this to Baekhyun, he's going to take those words and hurt himself with them. "Why are you here?" He asks, instead. He's tired of Baekhyun hiding his insecurities under layers of big words and actions. "Why are you so scared?"
"How's Yixing hyung?" Baekhyun says, almost yelling, "You should go back to the party. I bet he's waiting for you." He turns to his side, turning his back on Jongdae.
"This is ridiculous, Baek." It is. Jongdae knows it is; he doesn't know what to do with Baekhyun. Why was it so bad to flirt with Yixing when Baekhyun had been ignoring him all night? "Please talk to me."
"Go talk to Yixing hyung." Baekhyun sounds so broken and alone, and so sad. It's unfair how miserable he can make Jongdae feel, especially when he knows he's done nothing wrong.
"Don't be like this," Jongdae says, and this time he reaches out and starts patting Baekhyun's head. Baekhyun stills under his touch, for a second, and then he's getting out of bed.
"Fine, if you don't go. I will!" Baekhyun shouts, moving towards the door. Jongdae grabs him by the arm, turns him around so they face each other but Baekhyun still won't meet his eyes. Suddenly, there's this sinking feeling in the pit of Jongdae's stomach as he realises maybe Baekhyun had been crying.
"What's wrong, Baek? Talk to me." Jongdae doesn't know what to do, so he goes by instinct and hugs Baekhyun and tries very hard to make his heart stay still.
"I'm sorry,” Baekhyun says, sounding small and defeated. Jongdae is so used to Baekhyun being the sun, having everyone orbit around him. It hurts to see him like this, "I know it's unfair but I saw you talking to Yixing hyung and thought maybe you--"
"Maybe I wouldn't want to hang out with you anymore? Is that it?" Jongdae asks, earnestly. "You won't get rid of me that easily, stupid." Baekhyun's hair smells good. Jongdae should ask him later what brand of shampoo he uses.
"What?" Baekhyun ends the hug. Jongdae's arms fall awkwardly to his side.
"Chanyeol told me about your mum. He said you think she left because of you." This time, Baekhyun is looking him in the eyes but Jongdae doesn't know what to make of them. "But I'm not going anywhere."
"You have no idea what you're talking about," Baekhyun bites back, voice laced with bitterness. He turns his eyes away from Jongdae and moves to the door, again. Jongdae stands between Baekhyun and the door.
"You're right, I don't. But whatever happened, I'm sure it wasn't your fault." Jongdae just wants to help, why Baekhyun can’t let him help.
Baekhyun lets out a horrible laugh, then. "Yeah, sure it wasn't my fault. My dear mother caught me making out with a dude in my room when I was fifteen. But yeah I'm sure that wasn't the reason she left, a week later. It was probably something to do with money, or the mafia." Jongdae can see tears welling up in Baekhyun's eyes and all he wants to do is hold him and tell him he's not going anywhere, he's not leaving him. "Your mum died, Jongdae. She didn't have a choice. Mine did, and she decided we weren't good enough for her. I wasn't good enough for her, and she left. My father drank for an entire month, my stupid hyung acted like nothing was wrong. It was horrible. I hated living in that house." Baekhyun is crying, now. Jongdae hugs him again. Rubs circle on his back.
"Whatever happened, I'm sure it was your mother's fault, Baek, and not yours," Jongdae says. Baekhyun's arms remain by his side; he's not hugging Jongdae back. "And I'm sure your father and your hyung don't blame you, either. You need to talk to them."
When Jongdae’s mother died, Jongdae decided he was going to sit back and watch things go by, so he wouldn’t miss them much when they were gone. But watching things happen without taking part in them isn’t really being alive. Witnessing people being happy doesn’t make you happy.
"Am I allowed to be happy, Jongdae?" Jongdae feels Baekhyun's arms circling around his waist, shyly.
"Who told you this? You tell me right now who told you this because I swear to God I'll knock them down!" Jongdae had no idea Baekhyun was in so much pain, all this time keeping everything to himself, acting like he was living the dream when he was so miserable and alone. "Everyone deserves to be happy, stupid… even you." Baekhyun tightens his arms so hard Jongdae's out of breath but he still manages to say, "I'm not going anywhere, Baek. You're going to be stuck with me forever."
Jongdae’s lost important people in his life, too. He’s been hurt and has learnt not to take things-and people-for granted. But Baekhyun’s being unfair if he thinks Jongdae doesn’t genuinely care about him.
"There's also Chanyeol," Jongdae adds, "And Yixing hyung, and Luhan hyung. And have you seen the way Junmyeon sunbae looks at you?" Baekhyun snorts into Jongdae's neck.
The thing with Baekhyun is: he bullies people into liking him. And when they do, he keeps them at arm’s length in case one day they decide to leave, like his mother did. But Baekhyun needs to understand not everyone leaves.
❄
Jongdae doesn't see Baekhyun for an entire week after his outburst. That night, they'd fallen asleep in Jongdae's bed, side by side. Jongdae had told Baekhyun everything there was to know about his mother. It's ironic, how obsessed Jongdae's mother had been about creating memories before she died, when the things Jongdae remembers the most are the ones that were not important. The ones that were being taken for granted when they were happening.
The next morning Jongdae had woken up to an empty bed and a post-it on his forehead that read, Going home, then he had gone to his kitchen to get a glass of water and he'd found another post-it, stuck to the fridge's door. That one said, Thank you and had hearts filling all the empty space around the words.
And then, a week had passed. Jongdae found himself thinking about Baekhyun more often than not. Memories can be bliss but they can also be cruel, sneaking up on you when you least expect them. For all his mother's efforts about creating memories, Jongdae has learnt that, in the end, all attempts are futile because your brain and your heart are going to remember whatever they want to. He can't remember what his mother wanted him to. Instead he remembers how soft her skin was, how bright her smile was, despite her paleness. How she'd never lost that flowery scent, even when Jongdae thought her body would, sooner or later, acquire the characteristic smell of hospitals.
Right now, all he can remember is Baekhyun.
It's Chanyeol that lets him know Baekhyun was home. He sends him an awful picture of him and Baekhyun in what appears to be a playground. It's dark and Chanyeol's V sign covers half of his face. Baekhyun's in the back, tiny and smiling radiantly. Jongdae's heart constricts, then swells. ‘Late night date,’ the text reads. Jongdae smiles to his phone so much his face starts to hurt.
Well, at least Jongdae knows Baekhyun's safe. And classes are starting the day after so Baekhyun should be home soon. Jongdae looks at the picture again and feels his heart growing out of his chest.
Except classes start and Baekhyun starts spending time with a tall exchange student named Huang Zitao.
"A kid with no manners," is all Minseok says when Jongdae asks about him.
"A brat," is what Luhan tells him.
"Who's a brat?" Yixing asks, finally looking up from his food tray.
"Eat your food," Luhan commands. They're having lunch in the cafeteria. Minseok is pretending Luhan doesn't exist, while Luhan is pretending there's no one else in the world but Minseok. Yixing finds food more interesting than people, and Jongdae just wants to know who Zitao is and why Baekhyun won't talk to him.
❄
It's been two weeks since Baekhyun and Jongdae last talked. In the interim, Jongdae had almost deleted the picture Chanyeol sent him. He doesn't want to have someone else's boyfriend in his phone’s gallery, but his heart keeps doing things whenever he looks at it. And every time he makes up his mind about deleting the picture, Jongdae finds he’s unable to press confirm. He decides to only focus on his classes, as he had planned from the beginning.
But now the nights are too quiet without Baekhyun and his parties. Jongdae whines a lot. Luhan tells him to man up and grow out of it. Jongdae shots him an inquiring look and then looks at Minseok, who says nothing. Yixing asks him if he wants to go watch a movie together, "The one about the kids with cancer that fall in love. Maybe we can spoil the movie for everybody, shouting ‘THEY ALL DIE,’ right before it starts. Maybe that’ll make you feel better."
"Thanks hyung, but no thanks," Jongdae answers, "and not all of them die."
"Great, now you ruined the ending," says Yixing, feigning annoyance. Jongdae knows he's only trying to make Jongdae feel better. And then he adds, wriggling his eyebrows, "Maybe you should fall in love with me, instead."
Maybe Jongdae should.
Jongdae's resting his head on the table when he hears his door unlock. He'd been doing research for a paper all evening and he's too tired to look up. So he doesn't. Instead he focuses on the darkness outside his window, and he closes his eyes as he hears footsteps approaching. There's only one person those footsteps can belong to, and that's the last person Jongdae wants to see right now. He doesn't have the energy to deal with this.
"Jongdae?" He hears Baekhyun, the asshole, ask quietly. He doesn't dare answer and instead hears Baekhyun coming closer. This is the first time Baekhyun's ever been so quiet. Jongdae feels Baekhyun behind him, how close is he? He feels Baekhyun's lips on the nape of his neck and this is when Jongdae looks up. His eyes meet a startled Baekhyun.
"What are you doing?" Jongdae asks. Baekhyun's blushing bright red and before he can run away, Jongdae grabs his hand. "What are you doing, Baekhyun?" He asks again.
"I... Jongdae, I…" Baekhyun starts, lamely, "Hi?"
Jongdae drops Baekhyun's arm. "Hi? Are you kidding me?" Jongdae's so tired of this, "What do you want? Did you get bored of your new toy so you decided maybe it would be convenient if you looked for the old one, since he's always going to be around, waiting?"
"What? No." Says Baekhyun, defensively. "Look, Jongdae. I'm sorry. I just needed to sort things over."
"What does that even mean?" Jongdae grunts, "I'm too tired to play games, Baekhyun. What are you doing here?"
"I was in my room, watching this stupid movie, and the entire time I was thinking how nice it would be to watch it with you and curl up in your lap and press my face against the nape of your neck to see if you still smell like I remember. You do."
It's Jongdae the one blushing this time. He crosses his arms to distract Baekhyun from the redness in his cheeks. Baekhyun’s not going to buy it; he notices everything, it’s unnerving. "Why now? What about that Zitao kid?"
"Tao? Oh, he just wanted to get into Chanyeol's pants." Baekhyun makes a grimacing face. "I'm sorry, Jongdae. After the last time I sort of... freaked out. I decided I needed to make things right, so I went home first. Hyung was grinning the whole time, like the stupid idiot he is. But my dad was also happy, Jongdae. He said he was sorry he was a mess for a while. Mum's still a jerk but I don't care about her anymore."
Jongdae doesn't have anything to say; he’s speechless, Baekhyun is finally saying all the right words.
"Look, it was also your fault. You got me confused when you said I was going to be stuck with you forever, and then you added Chanyeol, and Yixing hyung, and Luhan hyung and I just… Do you know you look like a kitten when you sleep? It’s cute.” Baekhyun’s glowing; Jongdae’s over the moon. “Oh, I also forgot to tell you I lost my phone on the train to Buncheon. I told Chanyeol to send you a picture of us in the playground. You got it, didn't you? Do you still have it?"
"No," Jongdae says, he's still sulking, "maybe."
"Of course you do, you love me." Baekhyun's smile is radiant. Jongdae's blinded. "For the record, I love you, too."