[Super Junior] Thicker than Blood, PG-13, Gen/Romance, KangTeuk
Still hiatusing. Happy birthday, leader-sshi. ♥
Thicker than Blood
Super Junior, KangTeuk, PG-13, 3300 words
An anachronistic series of events in Leeteuk’s life. Why Kangin can never be “like family”.
Thicker than Blood
by meitachi
I’m jealous of your cigarette, thought Leeteuk before he flushed and averted his gaze. He knew better than this, he told himself, drawing in a long breath of cold winter air and letting it burn his lungs. He let it out slowly, lips pursing around a billow of white smoke almost like the one Kangin was blowing out across the filming set.
He knew better than this, but it didn’t stop the twist of desire when he forgot himself and let his eyes linger on Kangin’s mouth, wrapped around a cigarette he shouldn’t be smoking. It didn’t stop the convulsive swallow and the lick of heat at the bottom of his stomach.
Leeteuk closed his eyes and tipped his head back, face towards the blue-gray sky, cloudless, cold. “Like family,” he murmured to himself, a mantra. Words that would save him, if he could only convince himself to believe.
He tugged his scarf up, rubbed the soft fabric of his mittens over his face, and tried to forget the scent of smoke curling at the edge of his awareness.
--
Leeteuk had heard the other members compare Super Junior to family before. He remembered the way Sungmin talked about Eunhyuk after filming the underwater breathing episode of Exploration of the Human Body, remembered the way Sungmin blushed but didn’t waver in his words.
He’s like a real brother to me.
All of Super Junior was like family to Leeteuk. He loved them like family, every one of them, as close as blood brothers - all of them except one.
--
Leeteuk was never sure how it had happened, but who could really pinpoint why they became friends with someone, and why that friendship continued and blossomed into the most important relationship of their lives? People rarely documented their life like that and the same natural progression had brought Leeteuk seven years to where he was now, shrieking with inappropriate laughter as Kangin chased him down the hall of their dorm like the children they no longer were.
“Shut up,” Heechul shouted when they tumbled in through the door. “Don’t you have your own apartment?”
Kangin ignored him and tackled Leeteuk to the sofa and they spent the next five minutes breathless over the horrible, horrible pun Leeteuk had made in the elevator.
--
Leeteuk had been in love with Kangin since before he existed, back then when he was still Jungsu and Kangin was still Youngwoon. Nothing had been simple then and nothing was simple now.
--
Kangin laughed and wrapped an arm around Leeteuk’s waist, pulling him close in an easy, familiar hug. “Let’s go out tonight,” he said to Shindong, gesturing with his other hand at Eunhyuk. He took no protests from Eunhyuk, who looked as if he might prefer to stay in and play video games with Kyuhyun, and roped Yesung and two managers along.
Later that night, after Leeteuk had lost track of the number of soju bottles, after Yesung had tipsily challenged Eunhyuk to a singing battle that had turned into a rapping battle that Shindong protested was rigged, Leeteuk leaned heavily into Kangin’s side and moaned, “Let’s go home. I feel kind of sick.”
“Lightweight,” Kangin accused, red-faced and grinning insanely, a sure indicator that he was drunk.
“We should be getting home,” agreed the manager that hadn’t been forced into refereeing the rap battle. He got to his feet. “I’ll go with you two, since the others are still occupied.” He was steadier on his feet than either Kangin or Leeteuk, who had to hold on to Kangin’s arm as he stood up and waited for the dizzying whirl of the world to come to a stop.
Kangin slid an arm around Leeteuk and said, in a rather lecherous voice, “I’ll help you, Teukie-hyung.”
Five minutes later, Leeteuk yelped, “Kangin! I don’t need that kind of help!”
Kangin laughed into Leeteuk’s neck and tugged again at his jacket. “Are you cold? You can’t be that cold. Let me help you warm up.” His hand slid under Leeteuk’s shirt again, stroking the bare skin of his side.
“Help!” Leeteuk cried, turning to make pleading eyes at their manager.
“Sorry, I’m under moral obligation not to interfere,” he replied, grinning widely. “It’s too damned funny to watch him try to pull of your clothes.”
Kangin looked smug at that and resumed pawing at Leeteuk’s shirt.
“But we’re in public,” Leeteuk wailed, swearing to himself he would never drink again.
--
When it rained, Leeteuk worried that his members would catch ill, and fussed at everyone to bring umbrellas and jackets and change their wet socks. Heechul would roll his eyes and Eunhyuk would grudgingly obey, but Kangin was the one who always scolded him in return and held his umbrella for him.
“Thanks,” Leeteuk said, smiling.
“Hey, I take good care of my hyungs,” Kangin replied with a grin, moving the umbrella with Leeteuk as they dashed from the van to the entrance of the dorms.
“I would’ve liked a little brother like you,” Leeteuk said.
Kangin squeezed his arm lightly, grinning. “Well, now you have twelve.”
--
At first, the regular beeping and quiet whir of the machines at the hospital made Leeteuk feel sick inside. Every time he thought about why he was hearing these particular sounds, something lurched inside him and made him grip the side of his bed in an effort not to vomit. His body wouldn’t be able to take it, but his mind couldn’t either, the emotional wounds too fresh and harder to heal than the physical ones.
The hardest times were when he was by himself, lying in the dark and trying to swallow down the pain. It was easier when others were around, talking to him and smiling reassuringly at him, even crying, because then he spent what little energy he had reassuring them and not dwelling on his own thoughts. It was easiest when Kangin was there, and he was there often, worried but smiling, hands gentle as they held Leeteuk’s.
“You’ll be okay, hyung,” he said, his voice rough with emotion and his eyes bright with tears he held back in an effort to be strong for Leeteuk.
“I’ll be okay,” Leeteuk echoed, and he believed it when Kangin was there, more than with anyone else in the world.
After a while, the regular beeping and quiet whir of the machines at the hospital lulled Leeteuk to sleep, becoming a promise that he would recover and see the relief in his parents’ eyes, in his bandmates’ eyes, and in Kangin’s careful embrace.
--
Sometimes just looking at Kangin caused a slow burn in Leeteuk’s gut, heat flaming through his body as he shuddered and turned away, trying not to think about what Kangin’s mouth would feel like, or what his skin would taste like, or how his fingers would feel, slipping under Leeteuk’s waistband.
--
“Did you just,” Kangin asked in disbelief.
Leeteuk grinned at him a little sheepishly. “Er, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” His tone was innocent.
“Hyung. Did you just ask Suhyeon-noona out via my Cyworld?” Kangin’s voice was still colored in disbelief and Leeteuk dissolved into giggles at his expression. Kangin crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. “Oh my god, you’re fuckin’ shameless,” he said. “Don’t you have your own friends to hit on?”
“But Kanginnie,” Leeteuk whined, pouting, and Kangin rolled his eyes again.
“You’re lucky I love you, hyung.”
--
Leeteuk didn’t really approve of smoking but he couldn’t deny that there was something irresistibly hot about when he could taste it in Kangin’s mouth. Then again, he might be biased when Kangin’s tongue was stroking his, and Kangin’s fingers were digging into his hips, and Leeteuk could barely breathe for kissing too hard.
Everything was better when filtered through Kangin’s mouth, Leeteuk thought dimly. The hard wall at his back, rough and unrelenting against his shoulder blades, or the bitter gray of the smoggy skies that allowed neither rain or shine - it was all a dim blur when Leeteuk had his eyes squeezed shut and could only hear Kangin’s harsh breaths in his ear. He didn’t need anything else for the next ten minutes, before someone came looking for them for not returning after their five minute break.
This is all I need, Leeteuk thought as Kangin kissed him again, wordless.
--
“Fuck you. Fuck you,” Kangin shouted. “I can’t be what you want, okay? I’m just not perfect like that. I’m sorry I’m just not fuckin’ good enough, okay? I’m sorry I’m not the good little dongsaeng you want me to be. Sorry I make you stress out and get pissed off and sorry I want to have a life outside of being an idol sometimes.” He slammed the door in Leeteuk’s face, which was pale in rage, and Leeteuk could only shout helplessly, hatefully,
“Well maybe things would be better if you didn’t go out and drink yourself stupid every night!”
--
His mom said, as soon as he picked up, “You’re not sick, are you? Because the cold’s really going around recently and you’ve always been too frail for your own good.” She tsked and Leeteuk sighed.
“Mom, I’m fine.”
“Are you getting enough sleep?”
Did he ever? “I’m fine, I get enough. Did you need anything else? I’m sort of busy right now.”
She sounded exasperated when she replied, “Jungsu, you’re always busy. Make some time for your mother, okay? And make sure you take care of yourself.”
“Fine, okay, I will. Look, I have to-”
“How’s Youngwoon doing? He’s always had better health than you.” She made another reproving sound, the kind mothers did best, and barreled on when Leeteuk sighed again. “All right, I know you’re busy. Make sure you take your medicine, okay? And make sure you eat properly, Jungsu, or I’ll make Youngwoon do it. Honestly, he probably mothers you better than I can.”
For a beat, Leeteuk paused, hearing the note of wistfulness in her voice. “All right, all right,” he promised, “I’ll get him to baby me like you can’t.” He softened his next words. “I love you, Mom. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“If you’re not too busy,” she huffed, but he could hear her smile. “Say hello to Youngwoon for me.”
--
The fans screamed and Leeteuk laughed, turning his head to grin at Kangin, sharing in the thrill of eliciting reactions. Fanservice always made Leeteuk laugh, always sent a jolt through him of pure electricity, being able to make so many people happy with just a little playful hand-holding. Kangin blew him a kiss and winked at him and the screams swelled again. Beside them, Eunhyuk grinned and shook his head as Siwon stepped forward to sing his part.
--
I love you, I love you, I love you, Leeteuk thought desperately, and wondered if there would ever be a day where he wouldn't regret it.
--
“You can live without her,” Kangin said, hugging Leeteuk tight. “I swear to God you can, Teukie, hyung. Jungsu,” he said desperately. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t let her get you like this. She’s not worth it.”
Leeteuk couldn’t reply, sobbing brokenly into Kangin’s shoulder, hating himself for it but hating more the pain of her betrayal. He shook in Kangin’s arms, barely aware of the hands stroking over his hair, pulling him closer on the sofa.
“I’m so fucking stupid,” Leeteuk mumbled between his sobs. “I’m so fucking stupid.” How could he have handed his heart over to someone who could walk all over it like this? How could she? How could she?
The despair felt like it would envelope him completely, eclipsing everything else in his life that could possibly make things better. How could anything be all right again, when he was so much nothing that she would leave him after two years, after the smiles and promises and kisses?
“I can’t believe how fucking stupid I am,” Leeteuk repeated, words black with self-hatred.
“Hyung,” Kangin said plaintively, pleadingly, holding Leeteuk’s trembling frame so tight it was hard to breathe. “Please don’t. Please.”
--
The first time Kangin kissed him, Leeteuk was only dimly aware of the fact, lost in the alcohol and cheering and raucous celebration of the new year. Fireworks were going off outside, music was blasting from the speakers, and there was loud laughter and chatter and the clinks of champagne glasses in every direction.
“I won!” Donghae shouted in glee and leaped atop Kibum, knocking him over and sending Hankyung’s glass flying.
“You were cheating!” Eunhyuk accused, and Sungmin agreed vehemently.
“Happy new year,” Kangin exclaimed at him, sweeping him into a hug and fleetingly pressing their mouths together.
“Happy new year,” Leeteuk replied, beaming back at him. Then he blinked, processing the past thirty seconds through the golden haze of celebration. Before he could come to any conclusion, Kangin grinned at him and grabbed his wrist, pulling him from the party into a dark hallway that had been abandoned in the evening festivities.
“Kangin?”
Kangin kissed him again, hands coming up to cup Leeteuk’s face.
Oh, thought Leeteuk, startled. Oh, he thought again as he closed his eyes and kissed Kangin back, tasting alcohol heavy on his tongue.
--
Sometimes it hurt so much to think about how stupid he was for wanting something he could never have, for holding dreams so futile and hopeless so close to his heart. Nothing is impossible was a lie, breathed to him by people who admired the way he fought for years to debut, by people who were impressed by his success. They smiled at him and told him he could have it all, as long as he worked for it, because wasn’t his life now proof of that?
But Leeteuk knew some things were impossible and his love for Kangin was doomed to that from the beginning.
Maybe, he thought, when he stared at the ceiling of his bedroom in the dark three hours before he had to get up again-maybe it was better that way. Maybe he should keep Kangin in the irretrievable place of family, protected by the untouchable barrier of platonic love.
--
“Wait, wait, why do you think I’ll be the first to marry?” Kangin stood at the edge of the stage and listened to the shouts directed at him and then broke into a laugh. “You guys think I should marry Teukie-hyung?” The fans screamed their approval and Kangin turned to look at Leeteuk, still laughing.
Leeteuk wasn’t sure what his expression was, but he hoped it gave nothing away. He was wearing his leader smile, practiced and comfortable, as he stood next to the easel displaying the “results” of their marriage survey. He let the smile dissolve into a laugh as Shindong elbowed him.
“I’m sorry,” Kangin was telling the crowd, his laugh now sheepish, “but I’m really not like that.” He flashed another look at Leeteuk, his eyes glittering under the stage lights, and for a minute, Leeteuk wondered what he was supposed to understand from that glance.
Later, he remembered that he knew.
--
“Hello, I’m Kim Youngwoon,” he said with a perfunctory bow, already grinning on his way up. Leeteuk, then Jungsu, looked at this boy, younger than him by two years and taller than him already. He didn’t look nervous at all.
“Nice to meet you,” he said, and imagined that he wouldn’t have to be much of hyung to this kid. “Park Jungsu.”
--
They fought occasionally, because that kind of thing happened: they were two very different people and they didn’t always understand each other. Most of their fights didn’t leave Leeteuk crying in the shower though, wishing he could take his words back and wishing Kangin would just shut up and listen sometimes. Why didn’t he understand?
Leeteuk’s breath hitched in his throat and he turned his face blindly into the spray, letting the water wash away his tears.
It always hurt the most when he fought with Kangin. He didn’t understand Leeteuk best (surprisingly, that was Kyuhyun), and he wasn’t the best listener (Ryeowook by far), and he didn’t give the best advice (that was Sungmin’s forte), but his was the opinion Leeteuk cared about the most. He was the one Leeteuk relied on most, for reassurances and sanity and validation. He was the source Leeteuk’s strength.
“I don’t understand why you don’t understand,” Leeteuk muttered angrily, his heart clenching. Sometimes Kangin was just so stupid.
Sometimes Leeteuk hated depending so much on one person, because it gave that person the power to wreck him completely.
--
“I don’t think you get it,” Kangin told him, shaking his head with a smirk. “Hyung, honestly, sometimes you’re really dense.”
“Oh shut up,” Leeteuk said, blushing.
“She obviously likes you.” Kangin was relentless in his teasing. Leeteuk hit him ineffectually in the arm to get him to stop.
In response, Kangin wrapped his arms around Leeteuk and tumbled them onto Leeteuk’s bed, mussing the coves and causing a pillow to fall onto the ground. His laugh was loud as Leeteuk protested, flailing.
“I hate you,” Leeteuk complained, the arms sliding around Kangin’s neck counterpoint to his words. He kissed the smug smile off Kangin’s face and looked up at him with bright eyes, bangs messy and swept to one side. “I hate you and I don’t like her back, so it doesn’t matter. Will you shut up about it?”
--
I love you, I love you, I love you, Leeteuk thought, heart so full he thought it might burst, fingers tangled in a sleeping Kangin’s hair, so purely, thoroughly happy for once that he could only smile and smile and smile
--
When Kangin pressed Leeteuk against the wall and stripped off his tie, letting it pool at their feet in a silken pile of black, Leeteuk gasped and moved his head back to expose his throat. Kangin’s fingers worked quickly the buttons of Leeteuk’s shirt, abandoning the task halfway to tug the shirt out of Leeteuk’s pants and slide his hands against Leeteuk’s stomach from underneath.
Leeteuk shivered at the warmth of Kangin’s palms against his skin and grabbed at Kangin’s shoulders, pulling him closer. “I want,” he panted, and put his mouth along Kangin’s jaw, sliding hot up towards his ear until Kangin groaned and pressed their hips together.
The world spun when Leeteuk drank and it spun when Kangin was rocking against him like this, making Leeteuk slowly lose his mind, but they were different kinds of dizziness. Leeteuk felt feverish in Kangin’s arms, kissing him wildly, messily, thrusting his hands into Kangin’s hair. He was too turned on to think, nerves jumping when Kangin thrust a hand between his legs and cupped him.
“Fuck,” Leeteuk cried into Kangin’s mouth, elicting a low laugh in response.
“Hyung,” Kangin murmured as he sucked Leeteuk’s bottom lip between his teeth and squeezed his clothed erection.
Leeteuk moaned, unable to help himself, hips shuddering into Kangin’s hand.
“I love you, hyung,” Kangin breathed into hair when Leeteuk turned his head to gasp for breath. His hand moved deliberately, slowly, pressure too light to do anything but tease. “I swear to God I do.”
Leeteuk’s hands scrabbled over Kangin’s back, over his shoulder blades, feeling his heat through the suit jacket and the shirt underneath. “Youngwoon,” he said in return, the name caught in his throat as Kangin finally made for Leeteuk’s belt buckle. “Youngwoon,” he repeated, squirming, breathless, nervous excited turned-on oh-
Kangin grinned and slid his hand into Leeteuk’s pants.
--
All of Super Junior was like family to Leeteuk. He loved them like family, every one of them, as close as blood brothers - all of them except one.
--
Started: 03.10.08
Finished: 06.30.08
Thicker than Blood
Super Junior, KangTeuk, PG-13, 3300 words
An anachronistic series of events in Leeteuk’s life. Why Kangin can never be “like family”.
Thicker than Blood
by meitachi
I’m jealous of your cigarette, thought Leeteuk before he flushed and averted his gaze. He knew better than this, he told himself, drawing in a long breath of cold winter air and letting it burn his lungs. He let it out slowly, lips pursing around a billow of white smoke almost like the one Kangin was blowing out across the filming set.
He knew better than this, but it didn’t stop the twist of desire when he forgot himself and let his eyes linger on Kangin’s mouth, wrapped around a cigarette he shouldn’t be smoking. It didn’t stop the convulsive swallow and the lick of heat at the bottom of his stomach.
Leeteuk closed his eyes and tipped his head back, face towards the blue-gray sky, cloudless, cold. “Like family,” he murmured to himself, a mantra. Words that would save him, if he could only convince himself to believe.
He tugged his scarf up, rubbed the soft fabric of his mittens over his face, and tried to forget the scent of smoke curling at the edge of his awareness.
--
Leeteuk had heard the other members compare Super Junior to family before. He remembered the way Sungmin talked about Eunhyuk after filming the underwater breathing episode of Exploration of the Human Body, remembered the way Sungmin blushed but didn’t waver in his words.
He’s like a real brother to me.
All of Super Junior was like family to Leeteuk. He loved them like family, every one of them, as close as blood brothers - all of them except one.
--
Leeteuk was never sure how it had happened, but who could really pinpoint why they became friends with someone, and why that friendship continued and blossomed into the most important relationship of their lives? People rarely documented their life like that and the same natural progression had brought Leeteuk seven years to where he was now, shrieking with inappropriate laughter as Kangin chased him down the hall of their dorm like the children they no longer were.
“Shut up,” Heechul shouted when they tumbled in through the door. “Don’t you have your own apartment?”
Kangin ignored him and tackled Leeteuk to the sofa and they spent the next five minutes breathless over the horrible, horrible pun Leeteuk had made in the elevator.
--
Leeteuk had been in love with Kangin since before he existed, back then when he was still Jungsu and Kangin was still Youngwoon. Nothing had been simple then and nothing was simple now.
--
Kangin laughed and wrapped an arm around Leeteuk’s waist, pulling him close in an easy, familiar hug. “Let’s go out tonight,” he said to Shindong, gesturing with his other hand at Eunhyuk. He took no protests from Eunhyuk, who looked as if he might prefer to stay in and play video games with Kyuhyun, and roped Yesung and two managers along.
Later that night, after Leeteuk had lost track of the number of soju bottles, after Yesung had tipsily challenged Eunhyuk to a singing battle that had turned into a rapping battle that Shindong protested was rigged, Leeteuk leaned heavily into Kangin’s side and moaned, “Let’s go home. I feel kind of sick.”
“Lightweight,” Kangin accused, red-faced and grinning insanely, a sure indicator that he was drunk.
“We should be getting home,” agreed the manager that hadn’t been forced into refereeing the rap battle. He got to his feet. “I’ll go with you two, since the others are still occupied.” He was steadier on his feet than either Kangin or Leeteuk, who had to hold on to Kangin’s arm as he stood up and waited for the dizzying whirl of the world to come to a stop.
Kangin slid an arm around Leeteuk and said, in a rather lecherous voice, “I’ll help you, Teukie-hyung.”
Five minutes later, Leeteuk yelped, “Kangin! I don’t need that kind of help!”
Kangin laughed into Leeteuk’s neck and tugged again at his jacket. “Are you cold? You can’t be that cold. Let me help you warm up.” His hand slid under Leeteuk’s shirt again, stroking the bare skin of his side.
“Help!” Leeteuk cried, turning to make pleading eyes at their manager.
“Sorry, I’m under moral obligation not to interfere,” he replied, grinning widely. “It’s too damned funny to watch him try to pull of your clothes.”
Kangin looked smug at that and resumed pawing at Leeteuk’s shirt.
“But we’re in public,” Leeteuk wailed, swearing to himself he would never drink again.
--
When it rained, Leeteuk worried that his members would catch ill, and fussed at everyone to bring umbrellas and jackets and change their wet socks. Heechul would roll his eyes and Eunhyuk would grudgingly obey, but Kangin was the one who always scolded him in return and held his umbrella for him.
“Thanks,” Leeteuk said, smiling.
“Hey, I take good care of my hyungs,” Kangin replied with a grin, moving the umbrella with Leeteuk as they dashed from the van to the entrance of the dorms.
“I would’ve liked a little brother like you,” Leeteuk said.
Kangin squeezed his arm lightly, grinning. “Well, now you have twelve.”
--
At first, the regular beeping and quiet whir of the machines at the hospital made Leeteuk feel sick inside. Every time he thought about why he was hearing these particular sounds, something lurched inside him and made him grip the side of his bed in an effort not to vomit. His body wouldn’t be able to take it, but his mind couldn’t either, the emotional wounds too fresh and harder to heal than the physical ones.
The hardest times were when he was by himself, lying in the dark and trying to swallow down the pain. It was easier when others were around, talking to him and smiling reassuringly at him, even crying, because then he spent what little energy he had reassuring them and not dwelling on his own thoughts. It was easiest when Kangin was there, and he was there often, worried but smiling, hands gentle as they held Leeteuk’s.
“You’ll be okay, hyung,” he said, his voice rough with emotion and his eyes bright with tears he held back in an effort to be strong for Leeteuk.
“I’ll be okay,” Leeteuk echoed, and he believed it when Kangin was there, more than with anyone else in the world.
After a while, the regular beeping and quiet whir of the machines at the hospital lulled Leeteuk to sleep, becoming a promise that he would recover and see the relief in his parents’ eyes, in his bandmates’ eyes, and in Kangin’s careful embrace.
--
Sometimes just looking at Kangin caused a slow burn in Leeteuk’s gut, heat flaming through his body as he shuddered and turned away, trying not to think about what Kangin’s mouth would feel like, or what his skin would taste like, or how his fingers would feel, slipping under Leeteuk’s waistband.
--
“Did you just,” Kangin asked in disbelief.
Leeteuk grinned at him a little sheepishly. “Er, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” His tone was innocent.
“Hyung. Did you just ask Suhyeon-noona out via my Cyworld?” Kangin’s voice was still colored in disbelief and Leeteuk dissolved into giggles at his expression. Kangin crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. “Oh my god, you’re fuckin’ shameless,” he said. “Don’t you have your own friends to hit on?”
“But Kanginnie,” Leeteuk whined, pouting, and Kangin rolled his eyes again.
“You’re lucky I love you, hyung.”
--
Leeteuk didn’t really approve of smoking but he couldn’t deny that there was something irresistibly hot about when he could taste it in Kangin’s mouth. Then again, he might be biased when Kangin’s tongue was stroking his, and Kangin’s fingers were digging into his hips, and Leeteuk could barely breathe for kissing too hard.
Everything was better when filtered through Kangin’s mouth, Leeteuk thought dimly. The hard wall at his back, rough and unrelenting against his shoulder blades, or the bitter gray of the smoggy skies that allowed neither rain or shine - it was all a dim blur when Leeteuk had his eyes squeezed shut and could only hear Kangin’s harsh breaths in his ear. He didn’t need anything else for the next ten minutes, before someone came looking for them for not returning after their five minute break.
This is all I need, Leeteuk thought as Kangin kissed him again, wordless.
--
“Fuck you. Fuck you,” Kangin shouted. “I can’t be what you want, okay? I’m just not perfect like that. I’m sorry I’m just not fuckin’ good enough, okay? I’m sorry I’m not the good little dongsaeng you want me to be. Sorry I make you stress out and get pissed off and sorry I want to have a life outside of being an idol sometimes.” He slammed the door in Leeteuk’s face, which was pale in rage, and Leeteuk could only shout helplessly, hatefully,
“Well maybe things would be better if you didn’t go out and drink yourself stupid every night!”
--
His mom said, as soon as he picked up, “You’re not sick, are you? Because the cold’s really going around recently and you’ve always been too frail for your own good.” She tsked and Leeteuk sighed.
“Mom, I’m fine.”
“Are you getting enough sleep?”
Did he ever? “I’m fine, I get enough. Did you need anything else? I’m sort of busy right now.”
She sounded exasperated when she replied, “Jungsu, you’re always busy. Make some time for your mother, okay? And make sure you take care of yourself.”
“Fine, okay, I will. Look, I have to-”
“How’s Youngwoon doing? He’s always had better health than you.” She made another reproving sound, the kind mothers did best, and barreled on when Leeteuk sighed again. “All right, I know you’re busy. Make sure you take your medicine, okay? And make sure you eat properly, Jungsu, or I’ll make Youngwoon do it. Honestly, he probably mothers you better than I can.”
For a beat, Leeteuk paused, hearing the note of wistfulness in her voice. “All right, all right,” he promised, “I’ll get him to baby me like you can’t.” He softened his next words. “I love you, Mom. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“If you’re not too busy,” she huffed, but he could hear her smile. “Say hello to Youngwoon for me.”
--
The fans screamed and Leeteuk laughed, turning his head to grin at Kangin, sharing in the thrill of eliciting reactions. Fanservice always made Leeteuk laugh, always sent a jolt through him of pure electricity, being able to make so many people happy with just a little playful hand-holding. Kangin blew him a kiss and winked at him and the screams swelled again. Beside them, Eunhyuk grinned and shook his head as Siwon stepped forward to sing his part.
--
I love you, I love you, I love you, Leeteuk thought desperately, and wondered if there would ever be a day where he wouldn't regret it.
--
“You can live without her,” Kangin said, hugging Leeteuk tight. “I swear to God you can, Teukie, hyung. Jungsu,” he said desperately. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t let her get you like this. She’s not worth it.”
Leeteuk couldn’t reply, sobbing brokenly into Kangin’s shoulder, hating himself for it but hating more the pain of her betrayal. He shook in Kangin’s arms, barely aware of the hands stroking over his hair, pulling him closer on the sofa.
“I’m so fucking stupid,” Leeteuk mumbled between his sobs. “I’m so fucking stupid.” How could he have handed his heart over to someone who could walk all over it like this? How could she? How could she?
The despair felt like it would envelope him completely, eclipsing everything else in his life that could possibly make things better. How could anything be all right again, when he was so much nothing that she would leave him after two years, after the smiles and promises and kisses?
“I can’t believe how fucking stupid I am,” Leeteuk repeated, words black with self-hatred.
“Hyung,” Kangin said plaintively, pleadingly, holding Leeteuk’s trembling frame so tight it was hard to breathe. “Please don’t. Please.”
--
The first time Kangin kissed him, Leeteuk was only dimly aware of the fact, lost in the alcohol and cheering and raucous celebration of the new year. Fireworks were going off outside, music was blasting from the speakers, and there was loud laughter and chatter and the clinks of champagne glasses in every direction.
“I won!” Donghae shouted in glee and leaped atop Kibum, knocking him over and sending Hankyung’s glass flying.
“You were cheating!” Eunhyuk accused, and Sungmin agreed vehemently.
“Happy new year,” Kangin exclaimed at him, sweeping him into a hug and fleetingly pressing their mouths together.
“Happy new year,” Leeteuk replied, beaming back at him. Then he blinked, processing the past thirty seconds through the golden haze of celebration. Before he could come to any conclusion, Kangin grinned at him and grabbed his wrist, pulling him from the party into a dark hallway that had been abandoned in the evening festivities.
“Kangin?”
Kangin kissed him again, hands coming up to cup Leeteuk’s face.
Oh, thought Leeteuk, startled. Oh, he thought again as he closed his eyes and kissed Kangin back, tasting alcohol heavy on his tongue.
--
Sometimes it hurt so much to think about how stupid he was for wanting something he could never have, for holding dreams so futile and hopeless so close to his heart. Nothing is impossible was a lie, breathed to him by people who admired the way he fought for years to debut, by people who were impressed by his success. They smiled at him and told him he could have it all, as long as he worked for it, because wasn’t his life now proof of that?
But Leeteuk knew some things were impossible and his love for Kangin was doomed to that from the beginning.
Maybe, he thought, when he stared at the ceiling of his bedroom in the dark three hours before he had to get up again-maybe it was better that way. Maybe he should keep Kangin in the irretrievable place of family, protected by the untouchable barrier of platonic love.
--
“Wait, wait, why do you think I’ll be the first to marry?” Kangin stood at the edge of the stage and listened to the shouts directed at him and then broke into a laugh. “You guys think I should marry Teukie-hyung?” The fans screamed their approval and Kangin turned to look at Leeteuk, still laughing.
Leeteuk wasn’t sure what his expression was, but he hoped it gave nothing away. He was wearing his leader smile, practiced and comfortable, as he stood next to the easel displaying the “results” of their marriage survey. He let the smile dissolve into a laugh as Shindong elbowed him.
“I’m sorry,” Kangin was telling the crowd, his laugh now sheepish, “but I’m really not like that.” He flashed another look at Leeteuk, his eyes glittering under the stage lights, and for a minute, Leeteuk wondered what he was supposed to understand from that glance.
Later, he remembered that he knew.
--
“Hello, I’m Kim Youngwoon,” he said with a perfunctory bow, already grinning on his way up. Leeteuk, then Jungsu, looked at this boy, younger than him by two years and taller than him already. He didn’t look nervous at all.
“Nice to meet you,” he said, and imagined that he wouldn’t have to be much of hyung to this kid. “Park Jungsu.”
--
They fought occasionally, because that kind of thing happened: they were two very different people and they didn’t always understand each other. Most of their fights didn’t leave Leeteuk crying in the shower though, wishing he could take his words back and wishing Kangin would just shut up and listen sometimes. Why didn’t he understand?
Leeteuk’s breath hitched in his throat and he turned his face blindly into the spray, letting the water wash away his tears.
It always hurt the most when he fought with Kangin. He didn’t understand Leeteuk best (surprisingly, that was Kyuhyun), and he wasn’t the best listener (Ryeowook by far), and he didn’t give the best advice (that was Sungmin’s forte), but his was the opinion Leeteuk cared about the most. He was the one Leeteuk relied on most, for reassurances and sanity and validation. He was the source Leeteuk’s strength.
“I don’t understand why you don’t understand,” Leeteuk muttered angrily, his heart clenching. Sometimes Kangin was just so stupid.
Sometimes Leeteuk hated depending so much on one person, because it gave that person the power to wreck him completely.
--
“I don’t think you get it,” Kangin told him, shaking his head with a smirk. “Hyung, honestly, sometimes you’re really dense.”
“Oh shut up,” Leeteuk said, blushing.
“She obviously likes you.” Kangin was relentless in his teasing. Leeteuk hit him ineffectually in the arm to get him to stop.
In response, Kangin wrapped his arms around Leeteuk and tumbled them onto Leeteuk’s bed, mussing the coves and causing a pillow to fall onto the ground. His laugh was loud as Leeteuk protested, flailing.
“I hate you,” Leeteuk complained, the arms sliding around Kangin’s neck counterpoint to his words. He kissed the smug smile off Kangin’s face and looked up at him with bright eyes, bangs messy and swept to one side. “I hate you and I don’t like her back, so it doesn’t matter. Will you shut up about it?”
--
I love you, I love you, I love you, Leeteuk thought, heart so full he thought it might burst, fingers tangled in a sleeping Kangin’s hair, so purely, thoroughly happy for once that he could only smile and smile and smile
--
When Kangin pressed Leeteuk against the wall and stripped off his tie, letting it pool at their feet in a silken pile of black, Leeteuk gasped and moved his head back to expose his throat. Kangin’s fingers worked quickly the buttons of Leeteuk’s shirt, abandoning the task halfway to tug the shirt out of Leeteuk’s pants and slide his hands against Leeteuk’s stomach from underneath.
Leeteuk shivered at the warmth of Kangin’s palms against his skin and grabbed at Kangin’s shoulders, pulling him closer. “I want,” he panted, and put his mouth along Kangin’s jaw, sliding hot up towards his ear until Kangin groaned and pressed their hips together.
The world spun when Leeteuk drank and it spun when Kangin was rocking against him like this, making Leeteuk slowly lose his mind, but they were different kinds of dizziness. Leeteuk felt feverish in Kangin’s arms, kissing him wildly, messily, thrusting his hands into Kangin’s hair. He was too turned on to think, nerves jumping when Kangin thrust a hand between his legs and cupped him.
“Fuck,” Leeteuk cried into Kangin’s mouth, elicting a low laugh in response.
“Hyung,” Kangin murmured as he sucked Leeteuk’s bottom lip between his teeth and squeezed his clothed erection.
Leeteuk moaned, unable to help himself, hips shuddering into Kangin’s hand.
“I love you, hyung,” Kangin breathed into hair when Leeteuk turned his head to gasp for breath. His hand moved deliberately, slowly, pressure too light to do anything but tease. “I swear to God I do.”
Leeteuk’s hands scrabbled over Kangin’s back, over his shoulder blades, feeling his heat through the suit jacket and the shirt underneath. “Youngwoon,” he said in return, the name caught in his throat as Kangin finally made for Leeteuk’s belt buckle. “Youngwoon,” he repeated, squirming, breathless, nervous excited turned-on oh-
Kangin grinned and slid his hand into Leeteuk’s pants.
--
All of Super Junior was like family to Leeteuk. He loved them like family, every one of them, as close as blood brothers - all of them except one.
--
Started: 03.10.08
Finished: 06.30.08