and, crouched as he was by a partially deconstructed computer tower, he hit his head on the underside of the computer desk. This is awkward. Perhaps break it into two sentences. "The sharp electronic trill startled him, and he banged his head on the underside of the desk. Coughing, he slid away from the partially deconstructed computer tower..." (Although I would like to note that I have never seen a guy take a tower APART underneath a desk. Hook stuff up to it, yeah, but for taking it apart they always appropriate a table, or at least the middle of the floor.)
Tilly Quan, his oldest friend, the girl he’d kissed when they were just five years old, before either of them knew what kissing really meant. That memory resurfaced every time he thought of her. I adore this idea. :-)
What kind of place is he doing programming for? NY doesn't have much in the way of straight-up programming or development companies, but they have TONS of financial firms that need database programmers, etc. (If you want any info on database programming, I have a friend who works for a legal databasing and news company as a developer, and I can set you up with an internet interview.)
“Glad to hear it.” Her cheerful voice spiralled up the phone line. Then, “Do you have weekend plans?”
He did, if playing a new video game while drinking a fairly large amount of beer counted as plans. These two lines are brilliant.
wanting to go to the pictures We'd say "wanting to go to the movie theater"
His life had never been dull with Tilly around. Sometimes he missed her boundless energy and joie de vivre; her drive and ability to launch herself whole-heartedly into everything and anything she did. “Well.” Tilly paused, and Jack knew she was about to launch into a speech. She didn’t disappoint him.
WAY too many one-line paragraphs in a row here. Combine some of them. ;-)
Whenever she needed to attend a family function, such as a wedding, a Lose the comma after "function"
at the weekend Total British-ism. We say "on the weekend."
He had dust all over his hair. The computer lay in pieces on the floor of the living area. Unwashed dishes stacked in the sink. To follow the grammatical structure of the previous sentences, the last sentence needs to be "Unwashed dishes were stacked in the sink."
colour It's "color" in America, darling.
It’s been too long since I came here Shouldn't this be in italics?
She’d obviously forgotten just how much shoes weighed. Hehe! But I'd lose the "obviously" (because it's not actually obvious to us, and we're left feeling like people missing out on an inside joke).
after a few heroic spurt of energy a few - spurtS, or A heroic spurt, your choice. ;-)
from lack of a recent shave I'd lose this part; it's unnecessary, since we know how stubble happens. ;-)
She was lucky that no matter what she did, her hair remained poker straight. She’d even tried to curl it - and boy, had been a mistake - but her Asian genes simply refused to bow to even the most powerful of curling irons. This is a bit confusing. Does she like her hair straight, or not? If she does, why is she so keen on curling it? Or did she use to want curly hair, but now likes straight hair?
She settled the suitcase down and turned towards the small set of drawers. She turned at a gentle knock on the half open door. Jack stood there, leaning against the jamb, a half-smile gracing his face. Again, too many one-liners in a row.
I agree with the others; the chemistry is great.
The usual flow-type comments:
and, crouched as he was by a partially deconstructed computer tower, he hit his head on the underside of the computer desk.
This is awkward. Perhaps break it into two sentences. "The sharp electronic trill startled him, and he banged his head on the underside of the desk. Coughing, he slid away from the partially deconstructed computer tower..." (Although I would like to note that I have never seen a guy take a tower APART underneath a desk. Hook stuff up to it, yeah, but for taking it apart they always appropriate a table, or at least the middle of the floor.)
Tilly Quan, his oldest friend, the girl he’d kissed when they were just five years old, before either of them knew what kissing really meant. That memory resurfaced every time he thought of her.
I adore this idea. :-)
What kind of place is he doing programming for? NY doesn't have much in the way of straight-up programming or development companies, but they have TONS of financial firms that need database programmers, etc. (If you want any info on database programming, I have a friend who works for a legal databasing and news company as a developer, and I can set you up with an internet interview.)
“Glad to hear it.” Her cheerful voice spiralled up the phone line. Then, “Do you have weekend plans?”
He did, if playing a new video game while drinking a fairly large amount of beer counted as plans.
These two lines are brilliant.
wanting to go to the pictures
We'd say "wanting to go to the movie theater"
His life had never been dull with Tilly around.
Sometimes he missed her boundless energy and joie de vivre; her drive and ability to launch herself whole-heartedly into everything and anything she did.
“Well.” Tilly paused, and Jack knew she was about to launch into a speech.
She didn’t disappoint him.
WAY too many one-line paragraphs in a row here. Combine some of them. ;-)
Whenever she needed to attend a family function, such as a wedding, a
Lose the comma after "function"
at the weekend
Total British-ism. We say "on the weekend."
He had dust all over his hair. The computer lay in pieces on the floor of the living area. Unwashed dishes stacked in the sink.
To follow the grammatical structure of the previous sentences, the last sentence needs to be "Unwashed dishes were stacked in the sink."
colour
It's "color" in America, darling.
It’s been too long since I came here
Shouldn't this be in italics?
She’d obviously forgotten just how much shoes weighed.
Hehe! But I'd lose the "obviously" (because it's not actually obvious to us, and we're left feeling like people missing out on an inside joke).
after a few heroic spurt of energy
a few - spurtS, or A heroic spurt, your choice. ;-)
from lack of a recent shave
I'd lose this part; it's unnecessary, since we know how stubble happens. ;-)
She was lucky that no matter what she did, her hair remained poker straight. She’d even tried to curl it - and boy, had been a mistake - but her Asian genes simply refused to bow to even the most powerful of curling irons.
This is a bit confusing. Does she like her hair straight, or not? If she does, why is she so keen on curling it? Or did she use to want curly hair, but now likes straight hair?
She settled the suitcase down and turned towards the small set of drawers.
She turned at a gentle knock on the half open door.
Jack stood there, leaning against the jamb, a half-smile gracing his face.
Again, too many one-liners in a row.
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