i like my coffee hot and strong, how i like my women, hot and strong....with a spoon in them?
someone told me a story of how this girl someone i know knows. i'm a bit dodgy on the details but it went a little something like so:
there's this girl (not sure who) who was getting this sore bumps on the inside of her lower lip so she went to the doctor and the doctor had a look, and decided it would be a good idea to try and pop one. in doing so to what did his wondering eyes should appear? it was a fucking maggot!
maggots were growing in her damn mouth! so the doctor asks the procedural question "have you given oral sex recently?"
uh... yeah that's what i'm wondering, you have maggots in your mouth. have you been sucking on any penises here lately? because most men get the urge to rub rotten meat on their penises.
so it turns out that she had indeed given head within the last two days to her boyfriend, the doctor told her that the only way that could've come to pass was if the man she'd performed the favor for was having sex with CORPSES!!!!
the kicker is that her boyfriend works at a morgue. why isn't that lovely? so there's another job title to add to the list of guys never to date.
there's
male models
guynecologists
mimes
magicians (because they'll want to saw you in half)
the strategically unemployed
and now morticians
well, i never did have a thing for morticians in general. he'd have to be a pretty damn good looking mortician. like a Hugh Jackman mortician, but i've always pictured morticians to be like crispin glover in 'Willard' type guys. not very attractive. but somehow Hugh Jackman in a bloodstained lab coat and a bonesaw with that brooding facial expression is somehow very appealing. but then again i'd think Hugh Jackman as a septic tank worker with shit stained cover-alls would still be a sexy guy, course he'd have to shower a LOT more often. but that's a bit of a sexual deterrent isn't it? you're in the mood you've been holding it in all day and when he gets home you can't jump him you have to wait until he gets out of the shower. and it's not like you can do that thing where you jump in the shower with him you kind of have to sit on the toilet waiting and shouting over the sound of the running water "don't forget to wash behind those ears mister!" it seems a bit odd if you consider the fact that i've always had this fantasy of owning my own home and having a big mud pit in the back. my husband and i would throw mud themed parties. kind of like a pool party only it would be a mud wrestling party with themed foods and drinks you know? Mississippi Mud Pudding for dessert and Mudslides for cocktails.
and just get together and beat the hell out of eachother in a pit of mud.
so who's with me?!
but anyway that was completely away from what i wanted to talk about which was that i'll be going shopping tommorrow and decided to get a DVD. another Eddie Izzard, probably. i was just hoping you all would help me decide which.
oh and what are all of you doing New Year's Eve? i'm going to this album recording and was hoping you guys would be interested. it costs $27.50 but it's an over night deal and there'll be food and inflatables, like a bounce house and obstacle course and such. and we can bounce ourselves silly into the new year while listening to some kick ass music. sounds like my kind of time. so i'll be there if any of you are interested.
yup, well that was a very roundabout way to make an invite but...uh...yeah
g'day
there's this girl (not sure who) who was getting this sore bumps on the inside of her lower lip so she went to the doctor and the doctor had a look, and decided it would be a good idea to try and pop one. in doing so to what did his wondering eyes should appear? it was a fucking maggot!
maggots were growing in her damn mouth! so the doctor asks the procedural question "have you given oral sex recently?"
uh... yeah that's what i'm wondering, you have maggots in your mouth. have you been sucking on any penises here lately? because most men get the urge to rub rotten meat on their penises.
so it turns out that she had indeed given head within the last two days to her boyfriend, the doctor told her that the only way that could've come to pass was if the man she'd performed the favor for was having sex with CORPSES!!!!
the kicker is that her boyfriend works at a morgue. why isn't that lovely? so there's another job title to add to the list of guys never to date.
there's
male models
guynecologists
mimes
magicians (because they'll want to saw you in half)
the strategically unemployed
and now morticians
well, i never did have a thing for morticians in general. he'd have to be a pretty damn good looking mortician. like a Hugh Jackman mortician, but i've always pictured morticians to be like crispin glover in 'Willard' type guys. not very attractive. but somehow Hugh Jackman in a bloodstained lab coat and a bonesaw with that brooding facial expression is somehow very appealing. but then again i'd think Hugh Jackman as a septic tank worker with shit stained cover-alls would still be a sexy guy, course he'd have to shower a LOT more often. but that's a bit of a sexual deterrent isn't it? you're in the mood you've been holding it in all day and when he gets home you can't jump him you have to wait until he gets out of the shower. and it's not like you can do that thing where you jump in the shower with him you kind of have to sit on the toilet waiting and shouting over the sound of the running water "don't forget to wash behind those ears mister!" it seems a bit odd if you consider the fact that i've always had this fantasy of owning my own home and having a big mud pit in the back. my husband and i would throw mud themed parties. kind of like a pool party only it would be a mud wrestling party with themed foods and drinks you know? Mississippi Mud Pudding for dessert and Mudslides for cocktails.
and just get together and beat the hell out of eachother in a pit of mud.
so who's with me?!
but anyway that was completely away from what i wanted to talk about which was that i'll be going shopping tommorrow and decided to get a DVD. another Eddie Izzard, probably. i was just hoping you all would help me decide which.
oh and what are all of you doing New Year's Eve? i'm going to this album recording and was hoping you guys would be interested. it costs $27.50 but it's an over night deal and there'll be food and inflatables, like a bounce house and obstacle course and such. and we can bounce ourselves silly into the new year while listening to some kick ass music. sounds like my kind of time. so i'll be there if any of you are interested.
yup, well that was a very roundabout way to make an invite but...uh...yeah
g'day