Rant
It seriously feels like no one gives a damn about my tears. All they want to see is the successful, smart, happy me. No one wants to deal with lonely, needy, depressed, helpless Lindsey. They'd rather just ignore it, not say anything. Grace, Gloria, David, everyone. My family. My friends. I'm almost dead. I'd rather be dead. I seriously think everything would be easier if I wasn't born. I should just die.
-is what I'd like to say. That's all just self pity bullshit right there. Well, I've never actually been allowed to pity myself, just hide my face when I wanted to cry. I don't think I've ever actually been comforted, maybe once by Kim. Maybe a few days by Robin before he stopped completely. He has his own life, out there.
Mind you, I don't even know how to use Livejournal. So my apologies if I'm "doing it wrong".
I really wish that I could go out more. I wanted a normal life. While everyone was concerned about standing out, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to go to parties, sport games, events, and all that shit like a normal person. I can't even go for a walk without my mother's acceptance. My father is very old fashioned, so he's on board with my mom. No going anywhere, anytime. And if I do manage to get their approval with going to a party, when they pick me up and take me home, I always get "lectured" (yelled at) about how much I need to succeed. My older cousin, who lived with us for a while, was the embodiment of success. She went through my mother's curses every day and went to college with a scholarship. Now I need to do the same. Problem is that, I'm smart, but I'm not a genius.
They expect me to be a full blown fucking genius.
I get good grades. I maintain my A's. It just sucks how I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to understand, to succeed.
And people always say how lucky I am. And I don't disagree. I have both a mother and a father, not divorced (yet), two (bratty, self centered) sisters, my grandmother, pets, a good house (notice that I do not say 'home'. possibly the only place I feel safe in my house is my room), good education, lots of clothes (which are all from both mother and father, not my own style), a bed, laptop, iPod. And when I start to rant and feel sorry for myself, I usually realize how fucking stupid I am, because lots of other people have worse lives than I do. They live in horrible places, lost their parents, have no one in the world to care for them. And I have all this. All this wealth.
What a bitch I am.
So, I guess, even if no one is there for me truly, I'll still push on. Succeed. Because, when it all boils down to the end, all I truly want to be...
is happy.
Even if no one wipes my tears, I'll wipe them myself. I'll stand up, tracked in mud, blood, sweat, and tears. And even with all that crap on me, I'll look into the mirror - and see something beautiful.
-is what I'd like to say. That's all just self pity bullshit right there. Well, I've never actually been allowed to pity myself, just hide my face when I wanted to cry. I don't think I've ever actually been comforted, maybe once by Kim. Maybe a few days by Robin before he stopped completely. He has his own life, out there.
Mind you, I don't even know how to use Livejournal. So my apologies if I'm "doing it wrong".
I really wish that I could go out more. I wanted a normal life. While everyone was concerned about standing out, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to go to parties, sport games, events, and all that shit like a normal person. I can't even go for a walk without my mother's acceptance. My father is very old fashioned, so he's on board with my mom. No going anywhere, anytime. And if I do manage to get their approval with going to a party, when they pick me up and take me home, I always get "lectured" (yelled at) about how much I need to succeed. My older cousin, who lived with us for a while, was the embodiment of success. She went through my mother's curses every day and went to college with a scholarship. Now I need to do the same. Problem is that, I'm smart, but I'm not a genius.
They expect me to be a full blown fucking genius.
I get good grades. I maintain my A's. It just sucks how I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to understand, to succeed.
And people always say how lucky I am. And I don't disagree. I have both a mother and a father, not divorced (yet), two (bratty, self centered) sisters, my grandmother, pets, a good house (notice that I do not say 'home'. possibly the only place I feel safe in my house is my room), good education, lots of clothes (which are all from both mother and father, not my own style), a bed, laptop, iPod. And when I start to rant and feel sorry for myself, I usually realize how fucking stupid I am, because lots of other people have worse lives than I do. They live in horrible places, lost their parents, have no one in the world to care for them. And I have all this. All this wealth.
What a bitch I am.
So, I guess, even if no one is there for me truly, I'll still push on. Succeed. Because, when it all boils down to the end, all I truly want to be...
is happy.
Even if no one wipes my tears, I'll wipe them myself. I'll stand up, tracked in mud, blood, sweat, and tears. And even with all that crap on me, I'll look into the mirror - and see something beautiful.