(no subject)
Before I seriously hit the books, I'm going to delve into something that's been pestering my mind and thus influencing my perceptions. I'm trying to be a good person, and by good I mean with good morals and in a healthy state of mind. I am striving to attain some balance amidst the chaos that so consumes my body, mind, and soul. The biggest struggle for me is this mental battle. I'm trying not to hate people, wishing them ill will, and even day dreaming about how I could help them meet their demise as soon as possible. I'm working on my issues with anger and depression. I need to purge myself of these negative energies otherwise never grow as a person. Not into the beautiful flower I imagine (^_^). For example, when somebody treats me rudely. I don't want to admit that it hurts my feelings. Thats something that takes a lot of my energy and time, admitting how I feel. I told myself the golden rule was to never lie to ones self, and here I am - off the drugs and being the best hypocrite I can be. Automatically, when somebody treats me with such a lack of respect I try to justify their actions with my own rationalizations. "Well, she's a fat ugly bitch and she's just angry with the phenotype she was dealt" or "Nobody likes her anyways, they just put up with her because she's the ball and chain." and my favorite "I am better then you."
The biggest flaw in my logic is that, does it even matter if any of these things are true? She may well be a fat, ugly, bitch, but what makes me that much better. I might not be ugly, but I can very soon turn fat and bitchy. Then there goes my pretty face. And who likes me that much anyways? I don't have close friends. So, how much better am I really? There is a lot I need to work on. School, work, my relationships, myself. I am under construction, so to speak. Yesterday, it was all happenstance, and today, I'm not the same person.
It's times like this that make me want to turn to religion. Sometimes I feel so mentally weak that I wish something, anything, would take me in and help me. But the church? I know better than that. I just need to lay off things that will throw me off kilter. Drugs, habits, and people. I'm going to be a bit selfish and spend sometime reevaluating who I am and who I want to be. So don't mind me.
The biggest flaw in my logic is that, does it even matter if any of these things are true? She may well be a fat, ugly, bitch, but what makes me that much better. I might not be ugly, but I can very soon turn fat and bitchy. Then there goes my pretty face. And who likes me that much anyways? I don't have close friends. So, how much better am I really? There is a lot I need to work on. School, work, my relationships, myself. I am under construction, so to speak. Yesterday, it was all happenstance, and today, I'm not the same person.
It's times like this that make me want to turn to religion. Sometimes I feel so mentally weak that I wish something, anything, would take me in and help me. But the church? I know better than that. I just need to lay off things that will throw me off kilter. Drugs, habits, and people. I'm going to be a bit selfish and spend sometime reevaluating who I am and who I want to be. So don't mind me.