crushed,torn,alone,rotting day by day...........
the days we live are crazy dont you think?well i dont know who you could be cause who the fuck reads this shit?alot of shit has ofcourse happened to me,what else is new?things within my own life are looking good.i got excepted to the conservatory of recording arts and sciences,in arizona.its the best musical engineer school in the country and they only except twelve students.amazing huh i thought never in a million years would i get excepted to record music and do what i love,but i guess i had what it took to get in.i'm currently waiting on my stupid id to come in to start testing on my loser GED test but no worries i say i passed the pre-tests almost perfect.in other great news i lost the woman i most dearly love to death.i dont understand to much why but i guess we have our differences and she wants certain things and i do and those things dont agree.i got to talk to her today which besides the fact that it wasnt the best convo,it was amazing to talk to her.well the convo started with you cheated on me? which is never good.some smart ass motherfucker who is going to get theres when i find out who they are and why they thought up the lies.i tried to convience her of my innocence but it didnt go very well.i tried to tell her that i die inside each second of the day shes not in my life.i tried to be the one person in her life to make her happy,be there for her when she was down.but instead i kept getting mad at her for my own feelings which i do regret deeply now,and i suppose she had enough of it.i feel like inside i turned into her x before me and i never wanted to be that.i miss her to death so much but she just told me to stop pretending to care.i could never pretend to care cause if i didnt care why would i bother being in a long distance relationship with her as long as i was.i dont know what else to say about that subject but that i still love desirea ann diaz,i love the person i know she is inside,and not once for one day did i ever take her for granted.other than that nothing is new,i sit at home alone and wait for my chance to make something of my loser self,when the day comes i'm going to be ready alone or not.my friends ran out on me obivously there not really my friends,and the one i think is actually my friend now lives in corpus,so what the hell that does.as for the drinking i've cut down but i still go at it and go at it hard the other day i drank 85% of a vodka bottle,i dont know why i insist on it when it makes me feel worse and think about her more.its like i cant get her out of my mind anything that comes up in the day reminds me of something i did with her i mean i only have 2 years of memories with her.i dont know i need to stop this already i mean shes already made it clear that nothing would ever happened between us and were not meant for each other and even that she might in fact like some fucking guy,which killed me so fucking much to hear.i guess all i can do now is hope her the best and hope she wont fuck up and stay focused and make sure she finds what she loves and wants to do in life.as for me who knows,i'll go back to my loser life and wait for may when i'm gone from this shit hole place.thats about it i guess i wrote that all for probably no one to read,and being that i'm doing this on a friends computer i wont be reading comments if any.although if you do choose to be in contact with me you can email me at red_eyed881@yahoo.com i could use a friend.....RM.