(no subject)
im not asking you to read this but i sure hope that you do.
i think it needs to be said...
or at least i feel like it should be.
this is everything.
and im almost hoping that you never start reading this.
i dont even understand myself.
i dont consider you a friend but you're still the best one i ever had.
everyday this is making less and less sense to me, i can't understand what i'm supposed to do without you there.
i dont get what i did to piss you off. i just really want to know what i did to piss you off originally.
all i ever wanted was to stay friends with you for ever and a day and live next door to you when we're older and go to the same university and everything we said we would.
but you dont give a shit.
when i made those plans it was with the intention of keeping them.
because thats the way it should be.
and now everything seems useless.
i dont get what yo uwere trying to do by starting to talk to me again just to stop. again.
worried i might forget you?
i dont know what im letting myself in for, admitting this.
but i need you. more than you ever needed me.
and i dont like to show it, because it's never happened before.
hello, i've just survived the worst month and a half of my life.
i feel as thought you think im asking so much of you, but all i want is for you to stop being angry at every little thing i do.
i never said anything or did anything with the aim of pissing you off, but you took it offensively anyway.
i spent a year conditioning myself to believe that you were everything to me, and now i rely on your existence like i do on air.
but you'd rather i wouldnt exist.
i find it almost impossible to believe that you ever understood how i feel right now, the way i comprehend this planet and the people on it.
you are the sun. without you there is no heat and there is no light.
without you there is no life.
without you i am nothing.
the thing about promises is that you never know when or if they are going to be broken.
you said you were always going to be there and you dont have the option of casting me out of your life forever because im always here. i have you're boyfriend's blood in my veins... i happen to be a sibling of the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with...
does that mean that when you grow older and have kids you'll prevent me from seeing my neices and nephews?
i'm not allowed to talk to you again and as they are a part of you i will be prevented from seeing my flesh and blood?
i have so many fears and im always so scared and nobody is supposed to know, but i told you, because i know i can trust you.
no matter how many times you fuck up being my heroine you still get returned to that position minutes laters.
if you think im down most of the time then you havn't seen the half of it.
nowadays im only pretending that i still wnat to be here for the benefit of everyone else.
i feel like im on a sinking ship and no matter how loud i scream or how many warning signals i fire there's noone coming to my rescue.
all the people that could help will just watch the boat sink and mutter 'good riddence, but it's a shame the boat had to go down with her.'
i dont mind being down and i dont mind being up, i'm more scared of the fall and the climb.
im fed up of dragging myself between the two extremes that plague me and give me no rest.
i can do sad, and i can do crazy, and that's the limitations of my emotional spectrum.
it hurts so damn much that you really dont want to stay friends with me. that you're so unequipped to deal with the everyday thoughts that escape my brain. all i wanted to know was WHAT DID I DO WRONG? and apparently that is something wrong of and unto itself.
i would verbalise how much this actually pains me, but we both know i could spit out a slew of pathetic words and make you feel almost as bad as i do, and it could still sound almost poetic, but i wont, i'll spare you the trial of having to read through that heap of unaltered shit, and ill spare myself the trouble of re-living every last moment of my life since you got annoyed with me the first time.
just because i didnt trust you enough to re-give you my heart yet doesnt mean im not still entrusting my words and my life to you, i never relinquinshed these things from you're grasp in the first place as im sure they're safer there anyway.
i think im throwing myself into a world dictated over by hollow promises and deaf ears.
i dont think your still reading this or listening.
you made that mistake last time.
and do you want to hear something amazing?
i dont know what to say.
i dont believe that any of this is going to make you come back anymore.
im speechless that i've let this happen again.
when a star dies is that part of space darker than it was before the star was ever born?
it's now known light and thats been taken away.
i feel like im living in that part of the nothingness.
and my star has burnt out.
the fact of the matter is that every light burns out eventually. any source of power will eventually run out.
there is never going to be enough wood to keep this fire burning for eternity, i just thought i would have longer than i did.
god, this is long, im sorry.
i don't know what you ever saw in me.
i dont know where these words come from, i start writing, and, a moment of unmeasureable time has passed and this black spiders crawl covers the page.
if i ever tried tosay this the words would splutter and fall dead back into my throat.
i think this ink and paper was better off before i came along and used it.
im sorry for a lot of things.
im sorry that this is supposed to be an apology for everything i ever did wrong and it just turned into more words and more pages used that i'm not entirely convinced you'll ever read.
the first time i met you was with Krista. in ashenberry. we were picnicking.
and the second was in pizza hut in reading by the oracle and the river.
and the third time. the one that mattered. The party, i guess that was where this started.
we burnt things, and ate things and did some ballet.
we played games and play fighted and gutted pumpkins.
and we talked, all night. and annoyed everybody else.
this is everything.
From that moment out, YOU were everything.
everything i talked about, everyone i cared about talking to,
everyone i worried for.
it was all you.
i guess this whole thing is me trying to tell you it still is.
i have a train ticket in my wallet thats marked with the date '25th november, 2007'
i have a stack of dvds a mile high that remind me of everything.
i have a bracelet and a knecklace and a badge and an unrivaled knowlege of YOU.
and that is what i miss.
i think it needs to be said...
or at least i feel like it should be.
this is everything.
and im almost hoping that you never start reading this.
i dont even understand myself.
i dont consider you a friend but you're still the best one i ever had.
everyday this is making less and less sense to me, i can't understand what i'm supposed to do without you there.
i dont get what i did to piss you off. i just really want to know what i did to piss you off originally.
all i ever wanted was to stay friends with you for ever and a day and live next door to you when we're older and go to the same university and everything we said we would.
but you dont give a shit.
when i made those plans it was with the intention of keeping them.
because thats the way it should be.
and now everything seems useless.
i dont get what yo uwere trying to do by starting to talk to me again just to stop. again.
worried i might forget you?
i dont know what im letting myself in for, admitting this.
but i need you. more than you ever needed me.
and i dont like to show it, because it's never happened before.
hello, i've just survived the worst month and a half of my life.
i feel as thought you think im asking so much of you, but all i want is for you to stop being angry at every little thing i do.
i never said anything or did anything with the aim of pissing you off, but you took it offensively anyway.
i spent a year conditioning myself to believe that you were everything to me, and now i rely on your existence like i do on air.
but you'd rather i wouldnt exist.
i find it almost impossible to believe that you ever understood how i feel right now, the way i comprehend this planet and the people on it.
you are the sun. without you there is no heat and there is no light.
without you there is no life.
without you i am nothing.
the thing about promises is that you never know when or if they are going to be broken.
you said you were always going to be there and you dont have the option of casting me out of your life forever because im always here. i have you're boyfriend's blood in my veins... i happen to be a sibling of the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with...
does that mean that when you grow older and have kids you'll prevent me from seeing my neices and nephews?
i'm not allowed to talk to you again and as they are a part of you i will be prevented from seeing my flesh and blood?
i have so many fears and im always so scared and nobody is supposed to know, but i told you, because i know i can trust you.
no matter how many times you fuck up being my heroine you still get returned to that position minutes laters.
if you think im down most of the time then you havn't seen the half of it.
nowadays im only pretending that i still wnat to be here for the benefit of everyone else.
i feel like im on a sinking ship and no matter how loud i scream or how many warning signals i fire there's noone coming to my rescue.
all the people that could help will just watch the boat sink and mutter 'good riddence, but it's a shame the boat had to go down with her.'
i dont mind being down and i dont mind being up, i'm more scared of the fall and the climb.
im fed up of dragging myself between the two extremes that plague me and give me no rest.
i can do sad, and i can do crazy, and that's the limitations of my emotional spectrum.
it hurts so damn much that you really dont want to stay friends with me. that you're so unequipped to deal with the everyday thoughts that escape my brain. all i wanted to know was WHAT DID I DO WRONG? and apparently that is something wrong of and unto itself.
i would verbalise how much this actually pains me, but we both know i could spit out a slew of pathetic words and make you feel almost as bad as i do, and it could still sound almost poetic, but i wont, i'll spare you the trial of having to read through that heap of unaltered shit, and ill spare myself the trouble of re-living every last moment of my life since you got annoyed with me the first time.
just because i didnt trust you enough to re-give you my heart yet doesnt mean im not still entrusting my words and my life to you, i never relinquinshed these things from you're grasp in the first place as im sure they're safer there anyway.
i think im throwing myself into a world dictated over by hollow promises and deaf ears.
i dont think your still reading this or listening.
you made that mistake last time.
and do you want to hear something amazing?
i dont know what to say.
i dont believe that any of this is going to make you come back anymore.
im speechless that i've let this happen again.
when a star dies is that part of space darker than it was before the star was ever born?
it's now known light and thats been taken away.
i feel like im living in that part of the nothingness.
and my star has burnt out.
the fact of the matter is that every light burns out eventually. any source of power will eventually run out.
there is never going to be enough wood to keep this fire burning for eternity, i just thought i would have longer than i did.
god, this is long, im sorry.
i don't know what you ever saw in me.
i dont know where these words come from, i start writing, and, a moment of unmeasureable time has passed and this black spiders crawl covers the page.
if i ever tried tosay this the words would splutter and fall dead back into my throat.
i think this ink and paper was better off before i came along and used it.
im sorry for a lot of things.
im sorry that this is supposed to be an apology for everything i ever did wrong and it just turned into more words and more pages used that i'm not entirely convinced you'll ever read.
the first time i met you was with Krista. in ashenberry. we were picnicking.
and the second was in pizza hut in reading by the oracle and the river.
and the third time. the one that mattered. The party, i guess that was where this started.
we burnt things, and ate things and did some ballet.
we played games and play fighted and gutted pumpkins.
and we talked, all night. and annoyed everybody else.
this is everything.
From that moment out, YOU were everything.
everything i talked about, everyone i cared about talking to,
everyone i worried for.
it was all you.
i guess this whole thing is me trying to tell you it still is.
i have a train ticket in my wallet thats marked with the date '25th november, 2007'
i have a stack of dvds a mile high that remind me of everything.
i have a bracelet and a knecklace and a badge and an unrivaled knowlege of YOU.
and that is what i miss.