New fic: Home & Away, OUAT - Emma/Regina, R, 1/1
Title: Home & Away
Fandom: Once Upon a Time
Pairing: Swan Queen
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Once Upon a Time. But thanks for asking.
Notes: Thanks to damelola who did a run-through for schmaltz, which I hope I’ve avoided. Also, this is not the long story I’m supposed to be working on. Oops.
Summary: The curse was broken by a smooch a couple of months ago. Now Regina, Emma and Henry are having trouble adjusting to life in Fairytale Land.
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The only reason Emma found her was because of the horse.
She’d been riding for about an hour, hoping but not hopeful, since Regina had disappeared. The awkward Sunday brunch between herself, the king, queen, prince, and the princess’s consort (a title Regina still detested) was a requirement on Snow’s part, but it hadn’t gotten any easier in the two months they’d been away. Emma supposed it was home for the rest of them, but for her and Henry, it still felt like away. Despite his initial excitement upon their arrival, Henry turned out to like it even less than Emma did. Regina had made it easier on him, conjuring all sorts of gadgets for him to play with and doing magic on command, but nothing felt normal yet.
To make matters worse, the relationship between Regina and the rest of the family had not improved. Emma herself had a hard time if she thought too much about Regina’s past misdeeds; particularly about Graham, in both this world and the other. But Regina had only had her heart back in her chest for a short time, and although her explanations were oblique, her childhood didn’t sound like it was all sweetness and light. Or anything remotely close to it.
That didn’t make it hurt less, but it helped Emma forgive. She had to. She loved Regina, so she’d vowed to help her move forward, otherwise they’d never find happiness in this strange land.
But that morning, some of Snow’s comments had been brutal, and when Regina had stormed away from the table in the middle of the meal, Emma had let her go. She also gave her mother a stern speech about how she’d better get the hell over her anger, otherwise she, Henry and Regina would be leaving the castle for good. Snow had done her best to act the contrite parent, but Emma didn’t want to hear it. So what if Regina had been the reason Emma had grown up in foster care? Without her, Henry might never have been born. And that was worth every sorrow Emma had ever endured. To have him was all she needed to know that this was meant to be. And that Regina was destined to be hers, in this life and any other.
So when she saw the horse grazing some distance from a pond, she pulled up her own filly and steered toward him. The enormous animal wore no saddle, so Emma recognized him right away. Emma couldn’t imagine how anyone could ride bareback comfortably; she could barely ride for two hours without wanting to kill something. She’d improved, but was no expert. Not like Regina.
She pulled two apples from her pack and fed them to the horses, who whickered cheerfully at the treat. It took her a few seconds to locate Regina, who hadn’t spotted Emma yet, so she leaned against a tall tree and watched.
Regina looked sad. Lost. And nothing like the former Mayor of Storybrooke, or the Evil Queen of Henry’s fairytale. She just looked like a lonely, desolate woman.
Slowly Emma made her way around the edge of the pond, stepping carefully so as not to trip over the rocky path. When she was closer, Regina looked up and gave Emma a half smile. She didn’t seem very surprised to see her.
“Hello,” Regina said as Emma approached.
“Hi.” Emma sat next to her, nudging against a shoulder with her own. “Missed you.”
Regina sighed deeply. “I’m… I’m sorry.”
Emma knew it took a lot for her to apologize for anything. She took the words very seriously. “I know. I gave Snow a piece of my mind. She won’t be bringing that up again.” Not for a while, anyway, Emma thought.
“It’s well within her rights. I am a bitch. I did destroy her life, and yours, and James’. It’s nothing I haven’t reminded myself every moment we’ve been back. It’s just… unpleasant to hear the words aloud, especially with Henry sitting right there.” She shrugged. “At least he hasn’t completely rejected me. I thought he would, once the curse broke.”
“He loves you, Regina. No matter what.” She gave Regina a little poke with her elbow. “He always did.”
Regina shook her head. “It’s fine. I deserve everything I’m getting. This, and more. I’ve gotten off scot-free as far as I’m concerned.”
“What, because you’re not in a dungeon?” Emma asked.
“Or dead. I should be. I’d have killed me, if I were Snow.” She looked at Emma. “Or you. I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Stop,” Emma said. “I don’t need all this groveling, you know. It’s annoying. You should stop taking the blame and start thinking about how to get on with things. We need to, together. Otherwise we won’t learn anything from any of this.”
Regina laughed softly. “Learn? I never learn. I never change. You should leave me behind, Emma, because I’m never going to be--”
Emma cut her off. “I know you weren’t always like this, Regina. Snow told me. You were made into the Evil Queen. You can change back, or change into something else. Something good.” She reached for Regina’s hand. “Besides, you’re already something good, to me. You and Henry are the best things in my life, and I got you both at the same time.”
She kissed the inside of Regina’s palm, and noted that it was a little damp. This physical manifestation of her nervousness made Emma love her all the more.
“I don’t know if I can change,” Regina said, frowning as she gazed on the water. “I have so much… rage left inside. So much hate. I can hardly stand it.” Tears made her eyes glisten.
“What are you angry about?”
Regina’s mouth firmed, and Emma saw the effort it was going to take for her to say the words. She waited, patiently.
“Daniel,” Regina said. “I know it’s ridiculous. It’s been almost forty years. But-“ she inhaled sharply. “It feels like it just happened.” Regina squeezed her eyes shut, pressing a fist to her chest. “I don’t know how to bear the pain.”
Emma held her hand more tightly. The heart thing-the taking of hearts, the losing of hearts-from what Emma knew, it muted feelings. And Regina had lost her heart nearly the moment Daniel had died all those years ago. Which meant Regina had been running around crushing hearts without one to call her own. She hadn’t really felt anything for decades, and now she was overwhelmed with emotion, both positive and negative. But the stall in her grief for Daniel was the torment that Emma most desperately wanted to help her through.
“It will get easier,” Emma said, uncertainly. “I want to believe it will. And I’m here to help you. Henry too. Maybe all you have to do is talk about him.” Emma knew Regina had barely spoken of Daniel to anyone, ever. Snow had known him, but only briefly. One night soon after their arrival, Snow had explained the whole story, at least what she knew of it. She’d admitted that for many years she had believed Daniel had simply run away, and not been murdered in front of Regina’s eyes. Emma had to pull the rest of it from Regina, after a good deal of wine. It had not been a good night.
“Talk about him,” Regina murmured. “Talk about a dead lover to my current lover. That’s a little strange.”
“No stranger than any of this,” Emma countered. “I can’t be jealous. I have you. I love you, and I know you love me. I think…” Emma paused. “I think you can love two people at the same time. Even if one’s been gone for many years. Those feelings don’t just disappear.”
“No,” Regina replied. “They don’t.” She gazed out on the pond, dappled with sun, and Emma laid her head on Regina’s shoulder. “I was thinking of him, before you came. I was watching the insects dance along the water in a little swarm.” Regina pointed, and Emma saw them-tiny dots flying in circles together, touching the surface before darting away. “I thought about the simple pleasures in life, like this, and how many years I wasted ignoring them because of his loss.” A tear dripped down her cheek. “And I asked myself if I could really have been happy as the wife of a stable boy, living on nothing but love and a few coppers. Having only each other, and the family we would have had, together.”
Emma could barely find her voice; it shook as she spoke. “And what do you think?”
Regina’s serene face crumpled. “I think my life would have been beautiful.” Tears came now in a stream, sparkling against her cheeks. She turned to Emma. “I would have been happy.”
Emma took her in her arms then; she would wait until the storm passed. Her heart broke again for Regina, who held in so much sorrow that it had to come out somehow. She felt relieved to be here, so she could share in the grief that was finally coming to the surface. Regina clung to her, weeping as her tears ran down the inside of Emma’s shirt. Emma just held on, watching the insects dance against the water, wishing she could take every hurt away and make her Queen as happy as she deserved to be.
The sun moved above them as Regina cried; Emma didn’t know how long it took, but eventually her sobs slowed. She wondered if Regina had ever cried like this over Daniel before. Stroking the back of Regina’s neck, she kissed her temple once, twice, until Regina sat back. To Emma’s surprise, she looked afraid.
“I don’t know why I did that,” Regina said, her voice hoarse.
“I do,” Emma said. “Please don’t apologize for it, or try to take it back.” Regina shrank away, but Emma didn’t let her go, holding her face between two hands. “I mean it, Regina. Show me you love me. Don’t run. Please.”
Regina frowned, touching her puffy eyes. “I hate these feelings. I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Regina,” Emma said. “What if it was me?” she asked. “What if I lost someone? Would you let me run, or pretend that everything was fine?”
That stopped Regina short. “Of course not. But it’s-“
“It’s not different. It’s the same.” Emma shook her head. “Just talk to me, Regina. Tell me how you feel. Tell me who he was.”
Regina gazed into Emma’s eyes, considering. “Really?”
Emma nodded. “Yeah.”
Regina turned to look upon the water again as a flock of blue birds swooped down to skim the surface. Emma could tell she was debating within herself what to do, but ultimately Regina sighed, and began. “I was fifteen when we met. His father was a farmhand, and when Daniel was old enough, my father agreed to let him become a stable boy.” Her eyes went out of focus as she drifted away into the memory. “The moment I first saw him he was brushing my steed, and I thought him far too handsome to be a stable boy. We didn’t speak until he tried to help me mount the horse.” She sniffled, grinning. “I smacked his hands away and told him I didn’t need help, and he’d do well to leave me be unless I asked for his assistance.” Shaking her head, she continued, “I was such a little brat. He just bowed his head and smiled at me. He didn’t even look angry. He looked… kind. Like he knew something about me. The real me, not the façade.”
As Regina spoke of Daniel, the years fell away from her face; the lines of her forehead smoothed, and even her voice changed. She told Emma of the mornings they spent together, riding and talking and falling head over heels in love. She spoke of the first time they rode together on Regina’s steed, and of the pounding of Regina’s heart as Daniel held her close. She talked of their first kiss under an oak during a surprise rainstorm, and how Regina could barely breathe as he stroked her wrist afterward. Emma tried not to blush as Regina told of their first time making love, in a field of poppies during the spring. How they were both new and fresh and enamored, so when he came at her first touch it was thrilling rather than embarrassing. And how when he took Regina in his arms and made her quiver and cry out in pleasure, it felt like he was saving her from all the misery and pain she’d known.
“Everything was so lovely,” Regina went on. “We had our ‘riding lessons,’ and met in secret when we could, but our time was so short together because of my mother. She must have known something was going on, but she never caught us. No one did, until Snow.”
Emma knew that part of the story.
“The night I met her, I went to Daniel and asked him to marry me-I couldn’t wait for him to have the courage. He said yes, and he’d been thinking of asking me, because had a ring already. When he slid it on my finger, it felt like I was home, for the first time in my life. It was the sweetest, most beautiful moment I can remember.” Regina touched her mouth. “When he kissed me, I was sure it was true love. And it was.” She looked at Emma, eyes wide and innocent. “It was true love.”
“I know,” Emma said with a nod.
Regina’s eyes went blank, as she faded away once again. “I had so much hope. And Daniel, he believed it would all work out.” Her smile vanished. “But my mother found us. She killed him, and stole my heart.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “That was how it ended.”
There was silence between them for a few moments. Emma stroked her hand. “Do you think you could try to remember him the way he lived, rather than the way he died?” Emma asked.
Regina’s eyes flashed in anger as she pulled away. “He died in pain! In agony! Because of me, and my mother, and Snow White! How can I remember him any other way? I kissed him, over and over as he lay there on the stable floor. True love’s kiss can break any curse, don’t you know that, Emma? But it couldn’t save him. It couldn’t save me.”
Emma held her tongue, trying not to react in anger. Regina had clearly forgotten what had happened only two months before. “True love’s kiss did save you, Regina,” Emma told her forcefully. “I remember what it was like to kiss you, and break your own dark curse. It’s how we ended up here, or have you forgotten already?”
Regina’s mouth dropped open; Emma knew she’d been lost in the memory. “I-“ She blinked, searching for words. “Oh,” she said, leaning close, pressing their foreheads together. “No, Emma. I haven’t forgotten.”
Emma exhaled, relieved. “I just want you to look back on the good moments. I mean, how often do you think about your happiest memories with Daniel?”
“Almost never,” Regina admitted, and the dark timbre of her voice struck Emma so deeply it made her want to cry. “It hurts.”
“Don’t you owe it to him to look back on those times, and hold them in your heart?”
With a gasp, Regina looked away. “I can’t.”
“You can. I know you can, Regina. You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. You’ll survive this. I’ll help you, I promise.”
Emma saw her struggle. She knew there was a fire burning in Regina’s heart, screaming to lash out. That’s how she operated now in this new world-there were no more subtle manipulations, or secret schemes to gain the upper hand. Now, her reactions tended to be overreactions, and Emma tried very hard to temper them. The simple fact that she hadn’t throttled Emma yet was a small victory.
“I’ll try,” she whispered.
At the words, Emma relaxed. The battle was won. “Okay,” Emma said calmly. “Okay.” She searched for Regina’s hand again, and took it, despite Regina’s reluctance. “I liked hearing about him.”
“That sounds so strange, coming from you.”
“Why?”
Regina looked sideways at her. “Because it’s a man who was my lover. My first.”
“And I’m so grateful he was.” Emma had no intention of getting into how fortunate Regina was to have that, since she certainly hadn’t had a similar experience. Besides, Regina had lived for a decade with a husband she’d basically been sold to, without her own consent. She’d suffered interminably after Daniel’s death. “And you were his, weren’t you?”
Regina looked surprised at that. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. But… yes. First and only.”
“He was lucky to have you, Regina. So am I.”
Regina took an enormous breath, leaning back against a rock. “Gods,” she sighed. “When did you get so wise?”
Emma smiled, and looked away. She wasn’t sure if she should say anything, but bit the bullet. “I’ve been talking to Archie. Er, Jiminy.”
To describe Regina’s expression as one of surprise was a dramatic underestimation. “About me?”
“Not really. About me. But you’re in my life, so I guess you’re part of it.”
Regina looked relieved. “As long as you’re not spilling all my secrets.” She smirked. “Therapy from a cricket. I expect you never imagined that in your old life, did you?”
“Nope,” Emma said. “Never was much for therapy anyway, but this situation was a little out of my league. Figured it couldn’t hurt. And he’s such a nice little cricket.”
With a roll of her eyes, Regina laughed. “You would say that.” She gripped Emma’s hand tightly. “I’m exhausted.”
She looked it, too. “Close your eyes, then. I’ll stay here and watch over you.”
“Are you sure?”
Emma nodded. “I’ve got all the time in the world.”
So Regina stretched out in the grass and rested her head in Emma’s lap as the sun shone down on them. It felt very peaceful, and Emma passed the time watching the pond and the wildlife that flocked to it. At one point a butterfly descended onto Regina’s shoulder; Emma had never so badly wished for a camera in her life. She marveled as it rested, opening its blue iridescent wings and basking in the sun.
Later, when Regina stirred, her eyes fluttered open. Emma put a finger to her lips and pointed to her shoulder. Regina frowned in confusion and glanced down. She didn’t flinch, instead breathing out with an “ohh.” To Emma’s surprise, she reached up until the butterfly crawled on to her fingers, its wings opening and closing. After a few moments, it flew away, and Emma saw a tear spill from the corner of Regina’s eye.
“Regina?” Emma asked.
She shook her head. “It’s nothing,” she said, and as much as Emma wanted to know more, she couldn’t bring herself to prod further. “I’m fine,” she added, sitting up. “Really.” Turning to Emma, she wiped her eyes and leaned in to kiss her lightly. Soon the touch wasn’t so light, and their mouths melded together.
Emma’s head flushed, and she touched Regina’s waist at the curve. She broke away, breathless. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” Regina said, getting up on her knees and straddling Emma’s lap.
“Whoa,” Emma said. “What’s up?”
Kissing her once more, Regina stayed close, rubbing her thumbs along Emma’s cheeks. “I just feel happy. Let me enjoy it for a change, all right?”
Emma couldn’t argue with that. “Okay.” When Regina knelt closer, Emma lay back and pulled Regina down with her onto the grass. Carefully, tenderly she undressed her lover, whose skin glowed brightly under the sun. She kissed every inch of her until she pressed her mouth between her legs, slow and steady until Regina’s voice spiraled into the sky. Emma felt like her blood was molasses by the time she pulled her own vest and jodhpurs off. Regina opened her arms and when their skin touched, Emma was lost in the sensation. This time their usual urgency was missing, but not missed. As Regina made love to her, Emma breathed deeply, gazing up into the trees, whispering Regina’s name over and over until she came.
When Regina curled behind her, Emma inhaled the scents of their bodies, along with the earth and the grass. After so many days and nights of uncertainty, she felt supremely at peace. “I could get used to this,” she sighed.
Regina kissed the back of her neck. “So could I.”
Emma’s stomach made itself known then, growling loud enough for both of them to hear it. They laughed, and Emma covered her belly. “I brought some apples and bread and cheese. We’d better eat before we head back.”
“Thank you, dear. That was very thoughtful.” She reached over and dug into Emma’s bag for the food, and found a skin of water as well. They nibbled in silence, lounging naked without shame. Emma hoped she wouldn’t burn, but remembered Regina knew plenty of healing magic. It had come in handy on their wilder nights in the castle.
She gazed around the pond, and decided to throw out an idea she hoped Regina would go for. “Think you’d want to go away for a week or two?” Emma asked, tearing off a chunk of bread.
“Hmm. Where?”
Emma shrugged. “Just away. From everyone. Stay near a lake, bring Henry with us. Have a little time when we’re not surrounded by guards and parents and people watching every move we make. Like now. This is nice.” She hadn’t realized how hovered over she’d felt until she was out from under the kingdom’s prying eyes and ears.
“I’d like that,” Regina said quietly. A few seconds passed. “I know a place.”
“Is there a lake?”
“Yes,” Regina replied. “At the edge of a forest, but not far from a village, either. We could stay as long as we like. You and Henry can do your sword fighting, we could ride, and swim, and I can teach you both some magic. If you’re interested.”
“Magic?” Emma said. “I don’t think I have any of that in me.”
“You did a few minutes ago,” Regina cracked.
Emma wiggled her ass against Regina’s thighs. “Good one, Evil Queen. Very nice.”
Regina ran a hand along her hip. “I feel it in you-there’s an affinity. Henry has it too, moreso than you. He’ll learn fast, but I’ve hesitated to bring it up. Snow and James wouldn’t like it.”
“Well he’s our kid. You teach him if he wants to learn.”
“Yes,” Regina said softly. “Our kid.” She kissed Emma’s neck, traveling up to her ear. “When can we leave?”
“Let’s go soon. This week if the weather holds.”
“All right.”
Emma heard her take a bite of an apple, and smiled. “We’ll have a taste of the simple pleasures.” She hoped it was something that would benefit all of them, but especially Regina.
“I love you, Miss Swan,” Regina said softly in her ear. “Truly.”
Glancing behind her, Emma gazed upon Regina’s rare, radiant smile. “I love you too.”