(no subject)
i have been feeling good lately. helen and matt and i are trying to get an apartment for next year with some other kids, and i have to change my major, formally withdraw from a class, and select some for next year. i have a lot to think about.
my mommy is coming here on thursday, but thats also the night that danly, justin and austin are playing a show at all asia and i feel terrible not going, especially since i love them 37462386042 much. but i am going to have dinner with her and aunt joncia and ian so that will be good, and maybe it will be early enough so that i can get to the show after. maybe i can drag helen with me.
i have some conversations that i want to add into here. the one i had today was kinda long, but it sort of describes the mike situation as of this very moment, and i havent written in here in a while and i need to sort my thoughts out and get them on the preverbial paper:
captainquandt: well have you talked to mike?
nAynAy1234567: hhai JUST did, and the full affect of what just happened hasnt hit me yet at all so im gonna send you the whole conversation
captainquandt: ok good
nAynAy1234567:
CONVERSATION WITH MIKE THAT I SHOWED MANDY:
Odi24 (8:09:16 AM): what?
Auto response from nAynAy1234567 (8:09:16 AM): i will cheese you to death with my kraft extra sharp cheddar easy cheese can spray thing. Odi24 signed off at 8:09:21 AM.
Odi24 signed on at 2:09:38 PM.
Odi24 (2:10:33 PM): hey
nAynAy1234567 (2:10:40 PM): you always leave me the most random messages
Odi24 (2:10:44 PM): what?
nAynAy1234567 (2:11:06 PM): like every away message i have up you write something to and then when i come back to respond to you youre never online
nAynAy1234567 (2:11:40 PM): like last time it was like I LOVE YOU. YES YOU Odi24 or whatever screen name and you were like "not i"
Odi24 (2:12:10 PM): ya sorry?
Odi24 (2:12:11 PM): ???
Odi24 (2:12:11 PM): ok?
nAynAy1234567 (2:13:00 PM): no its fine
nAynAy1234567 (2:13:09 PM): but why did you write not i?
nAynAy1234567 (2:13:12 PM): of course i love you
Odi24 (2:13:22 PM): u say that to everyone
nAynAy1234567 (2:13:32 PM): awh
Odi24 (2:13:36 PM): you do love everyone and thats fine..
nAynAy1234567 (2:13:39 PM): i know
nAynAy1234567 (2:13:41 PM): but i do love you
Odi24 (2:13:53 PM): i just know u don't really care about me...
nAynAy1234567 (2:13:56 PM): yes i do
Odi24 (2:13:58 PM): which is also fine..
nAynAy1234567 (2:14:32 PM): mikey i know you dont like me anymore and you like tully, but for some reason when i realized i love you last week or so, i have felt better about everything cause at least now i know
nAynAy1234567 (2:14:38 PM): and i didnt feel like i should tell you
nAynAy1234567 (2:14:52 PM): and now i am happy again
nAynAy1234567 (2:15:08 PM): :-)
Odi24 (2:15:14 PM): u love me?
nAynAy1234567 (2:15:18 PM): yeah
nAynAy1234567 (2:15:31 PM): but i shouldnt have told you!
Odi24 (2:15:53 PM): hmmm
nAynAy1234567 (2:16:26 PM): hey ya know what, dont worry about it or think about it cause it might just complicate your life
nAynAy1234567 (2:16:29 PM): and i dont want that
Odi24 (2:16:59 PM): ya no ...my life is crazy enough..
nAynAy1234567 (2:18:50 PM): well anyway, it might eventually go away, but who knows. and i dont like any boys here and i dont have sex and i dont have what i feel like i might want, but im ok with that and i know you have your own life now that doesnt involve me
nAynAy1234567 (2:19:00 PM): i dont really think about it a lot
nAynAy1234567 (2:19:08 PM): i think about you though
nAynAy1234567 (2:19:15 PM): not in relation to whatever you have now
Odi24 (2:19:18 PM): u don't like boys there
Odi24 (2:19:22 PM): don't lie
nAynAy1234567 (2:19:41 PM): nah i dont
nAynAy1234567 (2:19:43 PM): i try
nAynAy1234567 (2:19:46 PM): but to be honest i dont
Odi24 (2:19:54 PM): g2g ttyl
Odi24 (2:19:57 PM): talk to ryan?
Odi24 (2:20:01 PM): theres your man
nAynAy1234567 (2:20:03 PM): nope
nAynAy1234567 (2:20:05 PM): hey dont be mean
Odi24 (2:20:11 PM): i'm not
nAynAy1234567 (2:20:15 PM): yes huh
Odi24 (2:20:18 PM): ryans available i'm sure
Odi24 signed off at 2:20:22 PM.
captainquandt: W
captainquandt: T
captainquandt: F
captainquandt: why did you tell him!!!!!!!!!!
nAynAy1234567: cause!
nAynAy1234567: im reatrded!
captainquandt: well it ok its not that bad
captainquandt: im sure he already knew
captainquandt: hang on im gonna go smoke a P FUCK ill brb
nAynAy1234567: no he didnt know
nAynAy1234567: its p-funk dumbass
captainquandt: of course he did you light up when your near him he has to see that
captainquandt: hahah OH MY GOD
nAynAy1234567: yeah but he doesnt know
captainquandt: im a dumbass
nAynAy1234567: or he didnt anyway
nAynAy1234567: i dunno
nAynAy1234567: hes retarded though so what does he really know anyway
captainquandt: haha yea thats true
captainquandt: but do you feel better?
captainquandt: like now that you told him
nAynAy1234567: yeah i actually kinda feel like nervous
nAynAy1234567: but i felt better when i just said it to myself
nAynAy1234567: and not him
nAynAy1234567: i dunno we will see how it turns out
nAynAy1234567: i kinda feel like it doesnt matter that i told him
captainquandt: im sure it does
nAynAy1234567: well it doesnt matter to me
captainquandt: hes gonna have that in his head next time he sees tully ands think she doesant love me renee does
nAynAy1234567: i already knew i loved him cause one time when i finally was like in my head "I LOVE MIKE!" it just felt right and instead of questioning it, i just let myself think it and realized that love is so much different shit and that this is love, if not the kind i thought it was.... its still love. and i love him. and i know he was horrible to me and did bad things but honestly, i know i love him because my pride doesnt even matter and i would take him back in a second
captainquandt: you have that alot better figured out then most people i think
captainquandt: and good for you
captainquandt: but be careful
captainquandt: dont go anywhere
captainquandt: !
nAynAy1234567: dont go anywhere
Auto response from captainquandt: P FUCK
hahah
Renee<3
nAynAy1234567: oh while you smoke your gay thing?
nAynAy1234567: awhhhhh mandle
nAynAy1234567: ya know whats weird is that i never actually "fell in love" with him i just started loving him eventually. it was like a developed thing and i think thats fine
nAynAy1234567: hunny i have class in like 5 min
captainquandt: i dont think you just fall in love
captainquandt: i think it takes time
captainquandt: but we will continue this after calss
captainquandt: haha
nAynAy1234567: ok dear
nAynAy1234567: i like how you understand eveyrhting
nAynAy1234567: thank you my love
captainquandt: haha i love how we are the same
captainquandt: I LOVE YOU!!
captainquandt: haha
nAynAy1234567: awhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
that was today's enlightening mandy conversation. i liked it and i felt beautiful on my way to class today even though i was wearing holey pants and my hair was nappy and frizz-fest. and my purse looks like a suitcase. i felt happy and breezy and i feel like it was pouring out and making people see me different. can that happen?
i have a crush on a boy. i always do. little ones that dont mean anything. but you cant have a crush on your friend and have it be ok because until you get past it you are confused all the time about what your real feelings about the person are. and when helen tells you she kissed someone with the same name as that boy and starts the sentence "dont be mad at me, but i kissed..." and then says the same name and you think its him and you didnt realize you liked him right up until that point when your stomach sank you know you have a problem of crush. and when helen tells you that no, it was just your friend from home, you are fully affected by what you just realize and then suddenly understand the situation that much better. thats primarily what im thinking about right now. how actually gorgeous he is.
..... and then i think of michael.
yesterday helen was talking about how joey always said she had a "smell". and i said mikes smell changed cause they stopped making his cologne. helen said something else that made me realize cologne isnt really the smell. the smell of someone is right when he gets out the shower and his skin is still warm and smooth and his hair is wet and cold and warm at the same time and you touch his skin, and he kisses your neck and you smell his tan shoulder. thats what he smells like. and feels like. and now that i remembered it i cant forget how he felt in my arms and under my hands everytime he got out of the shower.
i loved when his hair was dirty blonde. natural dirty blonde.
i wonder if tully knows to appreciate the full beauty of his entire being when michael first steps out of the shower