(no subject)
yeah i havent written in this since the day before my birthday apparently. i kind of forgot i had it. i kind of started thinking livejournals were gay. well really they are when people use them like they are meant to be used... so other people can read your sorryass shit. um. whatever.
the only reason im writing in it now is cause dan i know youre the only one who maybe reads this ever, and i mean you probably dont anymore but like... if you do... i have no way to contact you - your phone is so bad to the point that even when on a normal phone you can leave a message, yours you cant do that. <- god writing is so gay and stupid words need to be put in certain ways to make sense that is so retarded fuck punctuation bitchormaybeevenfucksapcebarswaitno thats too hard to read this is fucking stupid
anyway. danly. i was looking through my phone book in my phone tonight like 20 minutes ago after i called you for what i decided would be the last time because the let down is too much over and over when you never ever pick up and i just wanted to talk about nothing to someone and i went through the phone and realized that there is no one anymore for me to talk to because to everyone there is so much stuff to explain. there is too much about me to tell to people and too many stories in my life to explain and i cant just get to talk about the nothing that i want to because of this. the only person that used to know all of my stuff was crystal but i realized that yeah she seems to know everything about me but she only knows up to a point. there is so much i could never tell her because she is so cynnical and i don tlike her tone when i talk to her and i dont think she ever says to me what she actually feels. and she doesnt know me anymore. there was no one at all in my phone book that i felt i could call and lean on if i felt like it. i dont really need to i was just bored and wanted to talk to oyu. but i couldnt. and there was no substitute. and whats shitty is that im real alone now. i have friends and stuff to hang out with but they are not always around and when they do other things i sit around and watch tv at my house and dont care that im not with them. it makes no difference to me what i do everyday, whether im with others or not. or maybe it makes more of a difference than i think it does... maybe thats why im getting bitter lately and turning into a bitch again whereas i was not a bitch at all during the school year when i was with my school friends and could be with you guys all the time. i dunno. i was happier i guess when i was constantly surrounded by others than i am now surrounded everyday by nothing but the walls of my tiny living space which is too big for me when im all alone.
the only outlet of real emotion that i have now is if i write in that journal that you gave me, but its so small and pretty and i dont want to ruin it or use it up too quickly and i unintentionally find myself cutting my words super short. and a lot im too lazy to write all the things i think.
even when i have the fortune to be with you in real life we take like a day to get used to each other again and then after that are either too drunk or too sleepy to talk about anything. not like i have anything in particular to bring up or talk about really, i just liked how conversations with you used to turn into really long elaborate ones and we would talk about important stuff. it was the best. if i talk to oyu on the phone youre always with other people and i dont want to interrupt or be the annoying girl on the phone.
also i just want you to in some way at some point in my life contact me and let me know youre alive and well and not dead from some freak walmart accident or like your hosue burning down again because it appears to be quite prone to want to burn down.
hunny i dont like forgetting who you are and then fabricating things in my head of you from stupid bits of life that i remember. its too hard to be away from you and still be able to hold on to what used to be normal of us.
at this point im not really saying anything important anymore im just typing for the sake of staying awake. like the more i type tht closer it is to like talking to you which i cant. ok well im gonna go.
good night
the only reason im writing in it now is cause dan i know youre the only one who maybe reads this ever, and i mean you probably dont anymore but like... if you do... i have no way to contact you - your phone is so bad to the point that even when on a normal phone you can leave a message, yours you cant do that. <- god writing is so gay and stupid words need to be put in certain ways to make sense that is so retarded fuck punctuation bitchormaybeevenfucksapcebarswaitno thats too hard to read this is fucking stupid
anyway. danly. i was looking through my phone book in my phone tonight like 20 minutes ago after i called you for what i decided would be the last time because the let down is too much over and over when you never ever pick up and i just wanted to talk about nothing to someone and i went through the phone and realized that there is no one anymore for me to talk to because to everyone there is so much stuff to explain. there is too much about me to tell to people and too many stories in my life to explain and i cant just get to talk about the nothing that i want to because of this. the only person that used to know all of my stuff was crystal but i realized that yeah she seems to know everything about me but she only knows up to a point. there is so much i could never tell her because she is so cynnical and i don tlike her tone when i talk to her and i dont think she ever says to me what she actually feels. and she doesnt know me anymore. there was no one at all in my phone book that i felt i could call and lean on if i felt like it. i dont really need to i was just bored and wanted to talk to oyu. but i couldnt. and there was no substitute. and whats shitty is that im real alone now. i have friends and stuff to hang out with but they are not always around and when they do other things i sit around and watch tv at my house and dont care that im not with them. it makes no difference to me what i do everyday, whether im with others or not. or maybe it makes more of a difference than i think it does... maybe thats why im getting bitter lately and turning into a bitch again whereas i was not a bitch at all during the school year when i was with my school friends and could be with you guys all the time. i dunno. i was happier i guess when i was constantly surrounded by others than i am now surrounded everyday by nothing but the walls of my tiny living space which is too big for me when im all alone.
the only outlet of real emotion that i have now is if i write in that journal that you gave me, but its so small and pretty and i dont want to ruin it or use it up too quickly and i unintentionally find myself cutting my words super short. and a lot im too lazy to write all the things i think.
even when i have the fortune to be with you in real life we take like a day to get used to each other again and then after that are either too drunk or too sleepy to talk about anything. not like i have anything in particular to bring up or talk about really, i just liked how conversations with you used to turn into really long elaborate ones and we would talk about important stuff. it was the best. if i talk to oyu on the phone youre always with other people and i dont want to interrupt or be the annoying girl on the phone.
also i just want you to in some way at some point in my life contact me and let me know youre alive and well and not dead from some freak walmart accident or like your hosue burning down again because it appears to be quite prone to want to burn down.
hunny i dont like forgetting who you are and then fabricating things in my head of you from stupid bits of life that i remember. its too hard to be away from you and still be able to hold on to what used to be normal of us.
at this point im not really saying anything important anymore im just typing for the sake of staying awake. like the more i type tht closer it is to like talking to you which i cant. ok well im gonna go.
good night