but this you always knew
classes ended yesterday and i finished all my work for all my classes today. i have one final on 4/20. im fairly confident i can do well in it. its short bus after all
go back in your mind twenty years in time and we go out walking through your garden to the trees you planted in your yard then
ahh ted leo
one thing i am excited about going home for is that now i will be able to make these amazing cds and im excited to listen to some of my wonderful music i have now in my car. like my ted leo. and this minus the bear song that i love so much. and just everything will be awesome when i can do that. i will miss my loves a lot, but i feel that by being essentially alone for a little while at home and being able to drive around in this warm spring air i will be refreshed and can reflect on everything this past school year and fiscal year have been to me. i want to feel the wind blowing on my from in my car and have the windows down even though its a little too cold for it still. in the sunlight. in granby which has so many memories in and of itself.
i hate being the sappy asshole.... <-- disclaimer for what im about to write
im upset, seroiusly, that i cant live in the same place as danly and be in my car with him. being in my car in the happy weather is the best. honestly my car.... ahh <3 but anyway what i mean to say is that i feel that i am ridiculously lucky and im shocked at how wonderful dan is in everyway possible and i am soooo fuuuucking happy that we started whatever we started. this feeling is like nothing ever. and i feel like talking about this is almost demeaning the situation by not being able to adequately describe how amazing things are... but really nothing in my life compares. and this just started. it hurts me a million to know that i have to travel 2 hours to get to him. and that i cant see him whenever i want. and that i know my mom will get bitchy about him staying up here.. cause shes all embarrased of where we live cause she hates that its small. fuck it! no one fucking cares! only my friends matter anyway and they are all incredible people who know too much about me to care where i live. i have to have my danly with me this summer i cant just be without him for more than four god damn months. granby will be such a waste without him... i feel like there is no one else that is ever willing to relate to me as much as he does. no one will tell me random stories like he does.... what am i gonna do without him now that i know what its like to have him?
how does one become so infatuated so quickly? and also, infatuated is not at all the word im looking for. wrapped up, i guess is what i mean.
when i think about when i first recognized being completely enraptured by dan, i fleetingly grasp the feeling i had when i saw him that day... the breathless cessation of movement that came over me in that moment...
we were all in my room, waiting for him to come over so we could go to rubenstein. he swept into the room in his bright blue turtleneck sweater with hair wet from his shower, and i swear the smell preceeded his entry into the room. no one ever smelled that good ever in the entire world, im sure of it. he was still a little bit pink and warm from the water, and had on his long black peacoat, and the bright blue contrasting with his flushed cheeks and black hair and coat made him the focal point of the room. i recall helen looking at me and being like "wow" or something and i dont know if she meant dan or me because i know that i looked like someone just knocked me over.
but wow was exaclty how i felt and i was completely swept away, to excuse the cliche. i just had never seen anything more beautiful in that sunset sort of way in my entire life. i know i was staring at him. i know it. i couldnt stop it either, and he definitley made eye contact with me and my revealing eyes were screaming out at him, i just know it, so i tore my gaze away and felt my face redden and said something like "wow you look really really good in that sweater." and when he wasnt looking at me i kept staring and i bet he caught me a few times. again i could not breathe. but this time it wasnt like the mike fridge pictures thing where the breathlessness was upsetting and overwhelming. well, it was overwhelming, yes, but in this way where breathing too much would ruin the perfection that was danly at that moment, like when you make a really good design in the fog on a window, but dont really want to get too close or breathe too much cause you might affect it. but this was even a little different because i couldnt breathe normally at all, it was the shocked amazed taken back stunned enamored heart stopping feeling of something too beautiful.
eyes cant take all that in at once sometimes i think.
some things are too incredible and there are too many senses involved for just eyes to accept it all. there are all the senses. i mean i could hear him and smell him and see and touch him even if i had thought to, but there were more senses that could have been fed, i feel, had they existed. his presence at that very moment was the epitome of true human beauty and it was unfair that my person could only respond with those senses that i posses. other things were being triggered. maybe some day we'll figure out the rest of the brain, the sectoin that isnt used, and find out that we have way more to offer. like more senses.
i know that love comes over time. you dont just suddenly fall into love. but if i ever do, over time, fall in love with dan, i will think of that as the moment where i knew. because from that moment on he has completely consumed my being and all i wish for is to be with him for as much time as possible. he is online right now, with an away message up that i dont understand because he is danly and he is crazy, i just hope that he is in bed with that away message up or at least studying and not off frolicking about the building because he has a final tomorrow. and if he does well he will be so much happier tomorrow... but then again, as i said, hes danly. and danly is crazy. and when we hang out tomorrow he'll be happy anyway cause we bounce off each other. and its happy and awesome.
i have written for an eternity. my thoughts have been broken and disjointed. its hard listening to real loud music in your headphones and typing at the same time cause you really just want to listen to how amazing the bands in your headphones are but also you want to write.... LIFE.. what a difficult balance of wonderful things