mommy.... waaaaaaaa
renee: dont be a whiny bitch. no one likes a loser.
i have an intense amount of work. i did a little preparation for a test, so i didnt waste my entire night, really. i did talk to my mom a lot about things. to my mom i am the whiniest brat ever ever. i was just venting about the apartment that we sort of bought and about this school and how i feel i am wasting money for nothing at all and how if i do real bad this semester she isnt allowed to be mad at me and i dunno there was a ton more stuff that we bitched each other up about for a long time, and finally, later, she called me back and told me she loved me and was proud of me anyway and to not worry about it and just to try to do my work even though stuff is hard, cause im doing better than she was at my age.
i find this hard to believe.
i feel that in a way my mother was this exact human being that i am right now when she was my age.
i yelled at her tonight when she said she thought she didnt know who i was anymore. i told her she never ever knew me or anything about me ever. i told her i understood her motives and i knew what she was doing and thinking and her intentions for me but i said that she has never actually known me. i think this upset her. i also dont think that what i said to her was entirely true. i think that she does know me and does know who i am. there is a lot lot lot of stuff that i do not tell her about, because they include very personal things that she wouldnt approve of so i talk to my friends about it. she doesnt know that from fourth grade on i have been a tumultuous emotional person due to certain circumstances. she knows all the surface things. she doesnt know how i felt about steffon or teddy really even... a little bit matt, and i think she did know somewhat of what i felt about mike. i never had the urge to tell her anything. all i wanted ever was to keep my feelings when i was little about steffon private and i sheltered them and would never ever let on. they were too big of feelings for too small of a girl.
suddenly, however, i want to tell her everything.
in the shower today i was thinking of how all i wanted to do was call my mommy and tell her about this wonderful boy i know and how much i like him and how beautiful and amazing he is. why now after so long and after so many times that she could have helped me in the past do i want to tell her now about something that i know i dont need any help on?
i somehow want my mom to feel what i feel and be so happy for me and i dont know why i want to tell her about him so bad, but i do, and its random and new and a whirlwind, and i want her to know.
i cant get ahead of myself, i know what youre thinking. but i dont know, i feel like its ok and that maybe things wont go wrong this time. we always say how afraid we are of endings of anything and we both know how to solve this problem. telling each other everything and being faithful and honest is the way to live. (*golden rule of life*)but for some reason everything eventually dies and im almost afraid to start another portion of my life because im so afraid of the future when it will end.
that is no way at all to live your life.
last night again was incredible. i want to write more things and post this as a private entry, but if i do, then the rest of this wont be available so i cant do that. anyway, i found out that i have never known passion before last night. you read about it. you think you know, you think you know what it is, but it is always just lust. real passion doesnt feel anything like lust. maybe it is because i am restrained from doing to him what i want. i think it is more beautiful this way, that we have to keep ourselves in check, but... ...it makes for some interesting nights and amazing ones at that. this is nothing ive ever experienced before. and as much as i dont want to be one of those sappy-ass bitches, i know that i couldnt just try to make it be this way with anyone else. i couldnt steer my relationship with mike in this direction if i had another chance. it has already been far too corrupted, and anyway he was not nearly the right person for it. i didnt know that it had to be a certain person.
i found out less than 24 hours ago that it does.