33. public nightmare/video.

[childrenoflilim]

[everything is deep orange.  faint light streams from overhead--wherever overheard is--piercing some of the darkness, but not much.  and although nothing lives in this mass of orange, there is a single whispered voice.

please stay with me

then another.

i try my hardest, but no one loves me as much as i love them

one more.

i will always be alone

then the

Comments

[hoboheim]

It's just like when the souls of the citizens of Xerxes were inside me. Just a swirling torrent of anger and resentment...

Shinji... What was that?

[childrenoflilim]

The Sea.

[hoboheim]

The Sea? That's not like any sea I know of...

Does this have something to do with that time you... disappeared?

[childrenoflilim]

Yes. It's the Sea left on my world. There's nothing else.

[hoboheim]

A sea of human consciousness...?

So, you're the only one who managed to maintain your ego and break free?

There is... hope for the others, you know? Trust me on that.

[childrenoflilim]

That's right. Every person on Earth...their souls are in the Sea. They can come back if they remember who they are, but that sort of place--people no longer have barriers between themselves and other people. Remembering will be hard. It was my choice to make them that way and mine to let them come back. If I didn't know of so many people who were good no matter what then....

Things would have been different.

[hoboheim]

The souls that were trapped within my Philosopher's Stone... At first they were confused. Many didn't even know that they had died. All they could feel was the anger and fear and despair of their final moments...

But I took the time to converse with each and every one of them. I helped them to remember who they once where, and counseled them through their grief. Though they could never return to their bodies, they still chose to help me fight against the Father, so that no one else would suffer their fate.

You're an incredibly strong person, Shinji. Much stronger than you give yourself credit for. To have maintained your ego, and to chose to return to the world... that took a great deal of courage.

Those who wish to return will do so. What matters is that you gave them a choice. Freedom is a precious gift. Never forget that.

[childrenoflilim]

That sounds like what happened during Instrumentality.

I'm not strong. A strong person wouldn't hurt the people they care about or get them killed or kill them or leave them to die or--! What good is freedom if you never have a chance to use it?

[hoboheim]

Instrumentality...?

...

No matter what we do, we will eventually end up hurting people, even when we don't mean to do so. That's because we are individuals, each with separate thoughts and experiences. It is impossible to gain perfect understanding of those around us.

To face the world... To not shut others out... To leave ourselves vulnerable to be wounded by others... Hurting and being hurt... It is all part of living. But we can always do better. We can learn to forgive one another... To heal the wounds we've inflicted on others, and to allow others to heal the wounds they've inflicted on us...

The fact that you're here right now means that you have chosen to keep moving forward. And for that, I am proud of you. In some ways, you remind me of my eldest son...

[childrenoflilim]

How everyone turned back into LCL.

[that is some kaji-style stuff right there. but, more importantly, hohenheim said he was proud of him. proud. no one's said that to him other than misato. what makes it even more special, is that this man is old enough to be his father. a father telling him that he is somewhat like his son.

very little adds up to this moment.]

...thank you, Mr. Hohenheim.

[hoboheim]

You're welcome, Shinji.

I know my advice may not mean much, but... If you ever find that you need someone to confide in, I'll always lend an ear. I can do that much to help you, at least.

[childrenoflilim]

Your words actually mean a lot, sir. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

[hoboheim]

Really? Well, that's good to know. I was beginning to think that maybe my advice wasn't of any import.

But I'm glad I was able to help you in some small way. I want you to be happy, Shinji. You deserve it.

[childrenoflilim]

What you say always helps.

I still don't know what happiness is.

[hoboheim]

Hm... Some say that happiness is a blue bird forever in flight. I think it means that it's something we spend our whole lives trying to grasp, but being able to hold on to it for even a little while makes it all worth it.

You're still young. You have your whole life to learn what true happiness really is. I think you'll be able to figure it out.

[childrenoflilim]

A blue bird always flying. Maybe--maybe it could be a sparrow.

Was there ever a time you were truly happy, sir?