33. public nightmare/video.

[childrenoflilim]

[everything is deep orange.  faint light streams from overhead--wherever overheard is--piercing some of the darkness, but not much.  and although nothing lives in this mass of orange, there is a single whispered voice.

please stay with me

then another.

i try my hardest, but no one loves me as much as i love them

one more.

i will always be alone

then the

Comments

[actionspam; yes, i did; is this the angstmobile?]

[childrenoflilim]

[the silhouette, although taller and older, is unmistakable. relaxed and open just like his personality. forgiving. trusting. a frame that he crushed with such force that his entire body from the neck down was mangled beyond recognition.

shinji curls into himself.

(you are afraid of making the first contact, aren't you? you are afraid that the person will push you away. spoken lifetimes ago by another kaworu and just as relevant.)

from behind unkempt bangs, he watches for one step further.]

[actionspam; let us be on our way then, mr. nagisa.]

[childrenoflilim]

[they had been this close before, and in the steam of the baths, he had felt kaworu's warmth and affection. his love. not tinged with pain then.

but staring at the mug of tea, he comes to understand that all love is tinged with pain. how much it hurt depended on the type of relationship and people involved. his mother and father...theirs had brought them together, let them grow. a good pain. only there was too little time for its work to finish; what began as an ache for each other transformed into a poison that ate gendo ikari from the inside and infected all that came into contact with him. he and kaworu had not been so different except for one detail: his poison became anti-venom for a world filled with pains of the loveless.

shinji brushes the hair out of his eyes and sneaks a glance at his silent companion although the act squeezes at his heart.]

...is that for me?

[actionspam; safety first, mr. nagisa.]

[childrenoflilim]

I bet it's fine. [it surprises him how they've fallen into a routine within a few short minutes. opposite: kaworu doubting and he instilling confidence. things had changed. a little. kaworu was still the one next to him in the dark when he needed it most. shinji reaches the tea, takes a sip. a tad had been an understatement, but the bitterness is a good tool to keep from sliding back into recollections of his nightmares.]

Thank you, Kaworu-kun.

[actionspam; tally ho and all that, wot.]

[childrenoflilim]

[distances do not stop sound. sometimes it is hard to hear, yet in the right conditions there are echoes. and those echoes can always lead one back home.]

Still...thank you.

[shinji sips more tea, and tries to steel himself for one glance at kaworu.] I'm sorry if I woke you up.

[childrenoflilim]

Awake? But it's so early in the morning. [what little time shinji has spent in their home (not his, he has no right to claim it as such), he has recognized the usual order of things. asuka is awake first, slamming cupboards and doors as she finds breakfast and makes her way out the door. then misato looking for beer and a quick slice of toast. and finally kaworu creeps out with the aim of letting him sleep in.

this was strange.]

[childrenoflilim]

[shinji hums into the mug, fully believing him but unsure of whether or not it is the right path. the last time he trusted kaworu utterly--

and when he trusted himself completely--]

Well...try to get sleep more often. Okay?

[childrenoflilim]

[shinji does not look either, deciding to stare at kaworu's pale hands and long fingers instead. one he had held once, perhaps three times before. never once was it curled into a fist or open in a slap or push away. always open to hold and be held.]

I hope so.

[childrenoflilim]

[he catches kaworu's look this time and stares into the depths of his mug, hands and body filled with a warmth the tea had not provided. that sound and smile. good things. good on many levels he did not wish to unravel in the early hours of the morning, yet.

good.

shinji ducks his head. smiles.]