28.

[childrenoflilim]

It's been a long time since I posted here.

I think something happened to Kaji-san.  From the way Misato is crying, I--I think he's dead.  I should go talk to her.  But what can I say?  What can I do?  It wouldn't change anything.  And....  I'm still just a child.  Adult things like that aren't my business.

Misato.  He left something for you.

Comments

[material_guy]

"I'm just a child"'s just an excuse.

i swear that i answered this. sorry for making you wait so long.

[childrenoflilim]

But it's true.

Not at all! Hope you don't still mind backtagging?

[material_guy]

Kid. What's the difference between a child and an adult? When's the line when it'd be your business? Is it an age? Some kinda landmark thing you gotta do?

Nay! i love backtagging.

[childrenoflilim]

I don't know.

[material_guy]

Do you want something done? Someone to do something. Or do you just not care?

[childrenoflilim]

[that stings. of course, he cares. misato is his guardian, his family. he hates seeing her like this.

but he hates leaving himself vulnerable even more.

it's easy for greed to sit back and tell him to go out and do something. he doesn't look scared of anything. he can tell anyone anything he likes and he won't care. he was better than him. so much better than him who couldn't even go up to his caretaker and say he was sorry.

shinji admired greed.

shinji hated greed.

shinji didn't know how he felt about greed.]

That's not it.

[material_guy]

Of course that's not it! [Greed snapping at him might help tip the scales.] The "it" is that yer afraid that nothing's all you can do, ain't it?

[childrenoflilim]

[if greed could see him when he got this. he literally flinched.] No...people are telling me I have a choice.

Don't I?

[material_guy]

Of course you got a choice! That's the single most important thing in all of this! Choice! But if you can't choose to do something, you don't even have a choice! And there's no way a smart kid would pick nothing over something like this, so it's like you don't got a choice, if you're going with doing nothing!

Would you rather feel sad or... whatever the hell it is you're feeling right now 'cause you did somethin' and failed or 'cause you did nothing? If you did nothing, you're definitely gonna keep feeling like shit. It's nothing. Nothing changes. But if you do something, you can't make it worse. The worst you can do is nothing to help, the same nothing you'd get from doing nothing. But with something, you got a chance. It's not definitely nothing. It's maybe a thirty percent chance of nothing. It's all right to blame screwing up on being a kid. That nothing-from-something is fine for a kid. Learning to do something's hard, but you get a lesson instead of nothing. But nothing from nothing's just nothing.

[childrenoflilim]

....

[it's a lot to take in for a boy so terrified of his own choices that he makes others make them for him. he doesn't even know how to respond.

[material_guy]

Oi. Are you even paying attention here? [If he weren't, he'd probably give some filler response rather than dead silence. Still, Greed has no intent of easily letting Shinji make no choice. It's nothing as noble or adult as fostering growth; he's definitely just pushy. Mercilessly so.]

Couldn't you even just tell her you don't know what to do or say, but wanna do somethin'? It might sound a little selfish, but men don't have to be poetic. It's enough if they're honest.

[childrenoflilim]

...I think if I was honest with Misato, she would see how pathetic I am.

[material_guy]

Izzat worse than her not seeing you at all?

[childrenoflilim]

Maybe. No.

I don't know anymore.