baby steps
Ever had one of those surreal experiences where you don't know if your last memory is from a minute ago or a month ago? I get that impression when I read my journal; I wonder 'has it really been a year since I last wrote?' Then I remember it hasn't, because I've done some journal-esque house cleaning since then. But it's still funny to think that one's "online impression" makes it seem like they've vanished--become one with the ashes. I find (and doubtlessly I've probably expressed this sentiment before) that coming back to livejournal is like visiting an old church. I see familiar faces in this community--people who I obviously care for--and feel slightly nostalgic, which is really funny because I do see them in person as well. It's almost like we (the lj users) develop a separate personality, filled with all that we want people to think we are. We can think before we talk, and can usually sound smart.
And so our ghost personalities interract with eachother online, not realizing how our attitudes and online mannerisms effect the real world. For some, they don't at all. But for others, the effect seems lasting. Do we really build ourselves up to such a peak that we cannot reign in our own creations? Are we all just idols of gold--shiny on the outside, and big messes on the inside? This is indeed irony, because some let all the mess show, and hide the gold. They are the true beauties, even though they let loose all their shit and hope it hits someone elses' fan. For they know themselves. They can understand what their feelings are. They know the roots--the deep, tangling roots where at the end of each root pulls their subconscious--guiding their thoughts, and never letting them rest.
So for all those who expected more of me because of this creature I have created, you are forgiven. For all those who expected less of me (doubtful), you're banished! mwahaha...
You know what I like: transformations. I like them from any viewpoint. I like watching someone transform in front of me. I like watching my emotions transform as I get to know someone. I like watching my life transform as I endeavor to spend more time with the church community. Perhaps that last transformation is the one I'd like to expand on at this time.
My friends, I was down. I was down so far I looked up and the entrance to this hole looked as a star does pricked into the night sky. We needn't go into the details of my down-ness, but suffice to say I have not known such pain, such gut-wrenching sorrow as I had known. Even now, it is a tear-inducing subject. I felt as though nothing would pull through. I went on aimless walks hoping that someone would come along and pull me through. I tried to impress my emotions on others, hoping that if someone else knew, I wouldn't know as much.
One night, I was driving aimlessly, and I ended up at a church service--one I hadn't attended in a couple of years. Nevertheless, I went. I've always been skeptical of those 'insta-transforms' that I hear about; I tell you the truth they can happen. I wasn't completely healed, but I was about 75% (meaningless quanitification). It was incredible. And the more I worshipped in the following weeks, the better it got. That, my lj buddies, is true transformation---to go from being so hopelessly self-reliant that you know you must turn elsewhere; but not to a human, but to Jesus. And it works. I stand here today a different person that a month ago. I'm not all better, but the scars don't itch anymore. It's really something. I'm so baffled that I've considered testifying at my own church on the matters. We'll see.
Know love. In fact: better is open rebuke than hidden love. Solomon was a wiseguy.
And so our ghost personalities interract with eachother online, not realizing how our attitudes and online mannerisms effect the real world. For some, they don't at all. But for others, the effect seems lasting. Do we really build ourselves up to such a peak that we cannot reign in our own creations? Are we all just idols of gold--shiny on the outside, and big messes on the inside? This is indeed irony, because some let all the mess show, and hide the gold. They are the true beauties, even though they let loose all their shit and hope it hits someone elses' fan. For they know themselves. They can understand what their feelings are. They know the roots--the deep, tangling roots where at the end of each root pulls their subconscious--guiding their thoughts, and never letting them rest.
So for all those who expected more of me because of this creature I have created, you are forgiven. For all those who expected less of me (doubtful), you're banished! mwahaha...
You know what I like: transformations. I like them from any viewpoint. I like watching someone transform in front of me. I like watching my emotions transform as I get to know someone. I like watching my life transform as I endeavor to spend more time with the church community. Perhaps that last transformation is the one I'd like to expand on at this time.
My friends, I was down. I was down so far I looked up and the entrance to this hole looked as a star does pricked into the night sky. We needn't go into the details of my down-ness, but suffice to say I have not known such pain, such gut-wrenching sorrow as I had known. Even now, it is a tear-inducing subject. I felt as though nothing would pull through. I went on aimless walks hoping that someone would come along and pull me through. I tried to impress my emotions on others, hoping that if someone else knew, I wouldn't know as much.
One night, I was driving aimlessly, and I ended up at a church service--one I hadn't attended in a couple of years. Nevertheless, I went. I've always been skeptical of those 'insta-transforms' that I hear about; I tell you the truth they can happen. I wasn't completely healed, but I was about 75% (meaningless quanitification). It was incredible. And the more I worshipped in the following weeks, the better it got. That, my lj buddies, is true transformation---to go from being so hopelessly self-reliant that you know you must turn elsewhere; but not to a human, but to Jesus. And it works. I stand here today a different person that a month ago. I'm not all better, but the scars don't itch anymore. It's really something. I'm so baffled that I've considered testifying at my own church on the matters. We'll see.
Know love. In fact: better is open rebuke than hidden love. Solomon was a wiseguy.