A goal for myself.

Feb 09, 2006 01:40


Goal 1: I will remember that everything is not about me.

Goal 2: I will be more secure in myself and my place in the world.

Over the past weeks, I have noticed a tendency in myself to be so attached to Nessa that little things bother me intensely. Things like when she says she cares more about her cat than me, or that she doesn't want to marry me.... And that is a ridiculous thought to have at this point. Things like this. Things that have to deal with commitment, and my thoughts about being ready for it. I realize I have a LONG way to go before I'm ready to be married. There are plenty of things about myself to explore before I know enough about myself to be in that place, where I can be my own person and not worry about sinking into dependency. These are hard things for me to realize, and harder yet to keep in mind... because, though I have realized these things, as well as others, it is a process to be able to work them into everyday thinking. For instance, chances are I'm still going to be annoyed by something that Nessa says to me sometime soon, within the next week for sure, and it won't even be related to me in her mind... but I'll take it as an insinuation against me... and I shouldn't... because everything is not about me.  Not everything is about me, and it shouldn't be... especially in regard to Nessa and I, because we'd kill each other and that would be bad.  I am insecure about a lot of things, especially involving Nessa.  I don't want to be... but being an only child fucked me up in some ways.  Like not knowing how to take those "I hate you but just kidding jokes" and stuff like that... my brain is tired.  I should sleep soon.  But those two goals are good for the moment.  Enjoy the ramblings my children.

LXB
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