(no subject)
there are many kinds of selfishness. it seems i am guilty of one. ignoring how much i mean to those closest to me. how is that i a man of such spiritual and self awareness fall victim to such nearsight. my heart weighs heavy with love for all i encounter. i would rain it down upon the entire world if i could. yet, love i cannot accept. its their love i push away. not in the traditional detachment "im not good enough, i dont deserve love" way. im capable of accepting affection, feeling connection, closeness. all of it. no this isnt self loathing. its a concious decision. im actively trying to give without taking. its as if im compelled to be alone. as if im decided this burden is mine to bear.