(no subject)
I must have missed something. Nothings wrong, but SOMEthings wrong. Im hardly alone...but lonely. I guess. Its not like before, this is not how it is. Im so fucking numb. Person to person, feeding frenzy yet always empty i dont understand. What am i looking for. Silly question i know what it is. I tasted it once. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong person, but definitely a glimpse. I put too much expectation on people, need to lighten up. The purity, simplicity, the genuine-ness god..how rare. Its not a person im after though, i thought it was, after getting what i wanted i ended up realizing it wasnt there. Maybe its me, maybe im trying to free fall without letting myself be caught. maybe im trying to distance. I feel the distance. Its like im a million miles from everyone even when theyre sitting right next to me...or lying on my bed watching tv. I wish i could care...i wish i could force my self to emulate like before. I cant even force myself to interact just to get on a regular "diet" instead i starve myself until i am unsatiable and then gorge until im full...then empty again. A sickening shell i might add. All the while pondering what purpose i hold myself for. What am i holding back attempting to become? I need to get away from here, walk away again and start fresh and hope that maybe break the cycle. Somehow I must balance my need to need with my want to heal. maybe thats where my hero complex comes from. i see saving the people of this world from themselves as a reconciliation of self. if i load myself with others burdens and pains my own seem distant and dim. Will i ever drop these walls, what makes me so afraid of opening. I cant remember a time I really let someone in. 100%. I dont think i ever have. Maybe with Leeanna I started to, but i dont know. Ive done this facade thing so long its im starting to lose track of whats me and what is the mask. Ill keep feeding these girls the bits and pieces the nuggets of feeling and let them piece it together as they love to play the maternal protector who will "save" me. Why is that? Its not real, jesus. Keeep the rousse going till i bore then walk away, how can you not hate ? So far ive been able to stop, or pause, what three weeks now, its like concentration camp, but the beast must be caged or prodded... ITs all beside the point. i make no promises, only to my self. That if i get that feeling again, if i feel that light...ill seize..instead of clumsily tripping over the edge...ill leap head first.