(no subject)
I'm exhausted. Who knew the world weighed that much? Especially when it rests on your shoulders. Not even the whole world either. Just my world.
What weighs the most? This mask, this helmet. Stifling. Blurring my vision. King Leonitus on the verge of destruction. Deluding myself. My mom moved away. Just up and moved away. Told me another lie to do it. After 14 years, and claiming that she couldn't leave me again. So all you who sat back and wondered why I didn't just, give in, just run face first for the hug and the i love you. She left, for the guy that supposedly kept her away from me for the last 14 years. So I was so special, but not that special. So again here I am with no safety net. And I have no more of a clue about my "gray" areas of my life than before. My father lies about it, my mother lies about it. Both families have their own versions. I can't blame them. Or rather I shouldn't.
How much of this is a test? Am I supposed to fail repeatedly? Every time I discover a solution its only a partial one. Like a sort of dramatic irony, everyone can see that theres something around the corner but me. Dramatic Irony will fuck you everytime. At some point I think I have to suck it up and just play who I want to be. So much to risk now. So much I have to pretend I can fix. So much I have to pretend I know what to do with.
I smile and say everyday I got this. Everytime I move forward, something decides to hit me again. Defiantly trying to bear me down. I hate melodrama, I really do, but everything I spew out seems like some whiny primadonna on the verge of tears. I find myself lying awake at night counting numbers, of what I need to buy, what I need to pay. At 21 (almost) I am on the verge of finding a house, relocation, stability. At 21. How? Where was that road sign. Where was that proverbial fork in the road. I cling to my dreams, but for some reason no longer believe in them. I feel like I can do it. As if I have done it a thousand times. But I feel like its missing something. Something that I can't make or find or learn or discover. I feel like it is something I have to be handed. When I earn it.
I am just flying through the adult learning experiences one after the other. I feel like I made a mistake everyday, but feel like its the right direction at the same time. Like dancing in sunshine and eating a bullet. There it is again, melodrama. I'm sick of it. Fuck. FUCK!
I have no outlet. I never really have for a long time. My father is to far away, and I can't really chat it up after all, I did pretty much make all these decisions against his judgement. My mother was never really one anyways. I tried a few times, but she had no solutions or consolations, other than be "positive". Everyone else I can't do it because in all good earnest, once I start unloading, they begin to feel well...crushed...smothered...so I have to stop and pull it all back in. But then what. I mean this isn't lovesickness, or what am I gonna do for this month's final, or what college or what career or anything.
That shit is cake in comparison. Take that and add in a healthy dose of insecurity, regret, self-doubt, and of course the whole, "when did everything become up to me?" syndrome. I have to fabricate a life out of thin air, against the current, out of sand actually would be more like it, and by my self. This is the real shit that no one explains in your home ec. class. The whole "which bill is most important" approach. The whole college is not a guarantee of anything other than a huge loan for the next fifteen years. The whole you make decisions then your whole personality magically changes without consent or warning and suddenly your lifestyle or direction is no longer right for you thing. How does life just click for some people. Like my roommate. Knows what he is gonna do for the rest of his life, has known since before he graduated, and it satisfies him. And its guaranteed. He makes less money than I do, by far, but has a lot more all the time. Not one big thing has happened to him since I've known him. He literally can sit and watch his plans fall into place. Me? I can actively try to make things happen and the reverse happens. Self pity fuck, a whole new theme is developing. If I sit and wait? Nothing happens. literally nothing. I make up things of course to tell myself to keep me going positively.
What is the secret to happiness?
Evidence. I found a perfect plan to make my checks (which are now 40% larger than before, and my bills haven't changed) compound up and thus equally lots of leftover money and fun. Well now a new trend of huge amounts of deductions (unauthorized ones) are coming out each week. One week 159.40, this week 215.40. What the fuck do I have to do to catch a break?. It is killing my checks and making me scrape by. I have so much pressure from everywhere to succeed, and now its not just my life I am fucking with. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRR.
Nothing is ever good enough.
Maybe when we decide to settle, it starts a chain reaction.
Like when I decided a musician was to far fetched
I decided audio engineer
Then decided that was far fetched
and decided Graphic Designer
Then decided that was gonna take time
And decided online college first.
Maybe, the only way to be really happy is to be honest with yourself.
Flat out.
Have the courage to be who you are?
Like it would fuck your current world up so bad for so long. But maybe its the only way out of the downward shit spiral. Why do I always find comfort if I direct the questions in the second person, as if to direct the finger away from myself. Like all the people I thought I knew are popping up sides of them, I never thought was in them. Sides that make me question who they are, if I ever knew them.
This last month I have heard things that literally make me hate.
This summer is going to suck.
I feel such utter bad things looming there. It won't matter what I say, or do. It will happen, and then everything will change. Again.
I guess this is your
desparate attempt at
changing ignorance to glory
and back again.
Well don't expect a mourning
for the passing of the innocence
embrace the arrogance
you knew it all along.
But who am I to deny
you a chance to
self destruct and
wither it away
So what if I
close my eyes
turn my back again
deaf ears to the
infantile cries
seeking refuge
in my compassion
I hate this, looming, this just behind the smile of everyday feeling. The I can't relax fully, the I can't be 100% happy, the I can't let go anymore. There's too much at stake now.
Every month something happens, that tops the month before, no lie. This month was cataclysmic. I am so very very scared of April.
I actually miss being numb to everything at this point...its all pins and needles right now.
What weighs the most? This mask, this helmet. Stifling. Blurring my vision. King Leonitus on the verge of destruction. Deluding myself. My mom moved away. Just up and moved away. Told me another lie to do it. After 14 years, and claiming that she couldn't leave me again. So all you who sat back and wondered why I didn't just, give in, just run face first for the hug and the i love you. She left, for the guy that supposedly kept her away from me for the last 14 years. So I was so special, but not that special. So again here I am with no safety net. And I have no more of a clue about my "gray" areas of my life than before. My father lies about it, my mother lies about it. Both families have their own versions. I can't blame them. Or rather I shouldn't.
How much of this is a test? Am I supposed to fail repeatedly? Every time I discover a solution its only a partial one. Like a sort of dramatic irony, everyone can see that theres something around the corner but me. Dramatic Irony will fuck you everytime. At some point I think I have to suck it up and just play who I want to be. So much to risk now. So much I have to pretend I can fix. So much I have to pretend I know what to do with.
I smile and say everyday I got this. Everytime I move forward, something decides to hit me again. Defiantly trying to bear me down. I hate melodrama, I really do, but everything I spew out seems like some whiny primadonna on the verge of tears. I find myself lying awake at night counting numbers, of what I need to buy, what I need to pay. At 21 (almost) I am on the verge of finding a house, relocation, stability. At 21. How? Where was that road sign. Where was that proverbial fork in the road. I cling to my dreams, but for some reason no longer believe in them. I feel like I can do it. As if I have done it a thousand times. But I feel like its missing something. Something that I can't make or find or learn or discover. I feel like it is something I have to be handed. When I earn it.
I am just flying through the adult learning experiences one after the other. I feel like I made a mistake everyday, but feel like its the right direction at the same time. Like dancing in sunshine and eating a bullet. There it is again, melodrama. I'm sick of it. Fuck. FUCK!
I have no outlet. I never really have for a long time. My father is to far away, and I can't really chat it up after all, I did pretty much make all these decisions against his judgement. My mother was never really one anyways. I tried a few times, but she had no solutions or consolations, other than be "positive". Everyone else I can't do it because in all good earnest, once I start unloading, they begin to feel well...crushed...smothered...so I have to stop and pull it all back in. But then what. I mean this isn't lovesickness, or what am I gonna do for this month's final, or what college or what career or anything.
That shit is cake in comparison. Take that and add in a healthy dose of insecurity, regret, self-doubt, and of course the whole, "when did everything become up to me?" syndrome. I have to fabricate a life out of thin air, against the current, out of sand actually would be more like it, and by my self. This is the real shit that no one explains in your home ec. class. The whole "which bill is most important" approach. The whole college is not a guarantee of anything other than a huge loan for the next fifteen years. The whole you make decisions then your whole personality magically changes without consent or warning and suddenly your lifestyle or direction is no longer right for you thing. How does life just click for some people. Like my roommate. Knows what he is gonna do for the rest of his life, has known since before he graduated, and it satisfies him. And its guaranteed. He makes less money than I do, by far, but has a lot more all the time. Not one big thing has happened to him since I've known him. He literally can sit and watch his plans fall into place. Me? I can actively try to make things happen and the reverse happens. Self pity fuck, a whole new theme is developing. If I sit and wait? Nothing happens. literally nothing. I make up things of course to tell myself to keep me going positively.
What is the secret to happiness?
Evidence. I found a perfect plan to make my checks (which are now 40% larger than before, and my bills haven't changed) compound up and thus equally lots of leftover money and fun. Well now a new trend of huge amounts of deductions (unauthorized ones) are coming out each week. One week 159.40, this week 215.40. What the fuck do I have to do to catch a break?. It is killing my checks and making me scrape by. I have so much pressure from everywhere to succeed, and now its not just my life I am fucking with. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRR.
Nothing is ever good enough.
Maybe when we decide to settle, it starts a chain reaction.
Like when I decided a musician was to far fetched
I decided audio engineer
Then decided that was far fetched
and decided Graphic Designer
Then decided that was gonna take time
And decided online college first.
Maybe, the only way to be really happy is to be honest with yourself.
Flat out.
Have the courage to be who you are?
Like it would fuck your current world up so bad for so long. But maybe its the only way out of the downward shit spiral. Why do I always find comfort if I direct the questions in the second person, as if to direct the finger away from myself. Like all the people I thought I knew are popping up sides of them, I never thought was in them. Sides that make me question who they are, if I ever knew them.
This last month I have heard things that literally make me hate.
This summer is going to suck.
I feel such utter bad things looming there. It won't matter what I say, or do. It will happen, and then everything will change. Again.
I guess this is your
desparate attempt at
changing ignorance to glory
and back again.
Well don't expect a mourning
for the passing of the innocence
embrace the arrogance
you knew it all along.
But who am I to deny
you a chance to
self destruct and
wither it away
So what if I
close my eyes
turn my back again
deaf ears to the
infantile cries
seeking refuge
in my compassion
I hate this, looming, this just behind the smile of everyday feeling. The I can't relax fully, the I can't be 100% happy, the I can't let go anymore. There's too much at stake now.
Every month something happens, that tops the month before, no lie. This month was cataclysmic. I am so very very scared of April.
I actually miss being numb to everything at this point...its all pins and needles right now.