Attn: Christmas In July fic now finished! (for averita)
It’s The Quiet Night That Breaks Me
Rating: T
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: They need one another now more than ever, but sometimes the pain can be too much. Spoilers for “Revelations”.
A/N: Christmas in July gift for averita. She wanted an angst fic about Laura and Bill’s first night on earth. Many thanks to boudiceaborn and egeria61 for all their comments and suggestions! The title is taken from the song “Nothing Without You” by Vienna Teng which fit the mood of this fic perfectly and provided great background music as I wrote!
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One week had passed since the fleet had reached Earth and a small group of human and cylon leaders had finally set up camp on the surface where they would plan their next step. No one seemed to notice or care that the Admiral and President were sharing a tent. On Earth they were simply two more people staring bleakly at the grey landscape, as powerless now as any of the others.
The initial shock of their discovery had been washed away by a flood of fierce anger and an overwhelming sadness. Now there was a subtle bitterness that clung to the very air they breathed and each word they uttered as they surveyed the land whose very name had once sparked hope in the hearts of thousands.
They had come so far and lost so many, all for this barren planet that held nothing for them; this mantra flew through the hearts of cylons and humans alike, feeding their despair. Laura Roslin felt the weight of all these lost hopes, made heavier by the loss of her own dreams, and Bill’s.
A sour taste filled Laura’s mouth as she lay in their tent; a combination of the heavy air and swallowed tears, disappointment and words unspoken. No amount of water would wash it away, no flavor could replace it. She longed to kiss Bill, to taste him and let their love, their passion, clear away the bitterness and the broken hope, but the scant inches separating them on the cot seemed too vast a distance to overcome.
The flickering light from the camp bonfire filtered through the walls of their shelter; yet rather than revealing Bill’s face to Laura’s searching eyes, the light cast his features deeper into shadow. She could not remember the last time she had looked into his eyes; they seemed to have been averted from her gaze since first setting foot upon the planet. He had hardly spoken to her in days and had retired early to their tent, leaving her to sit in the false warmth of the fire until she could no longer bear the apathetic faces of the others. Heart heavy and longing for comfort, she had nodded goodbye to those few still awake and joined Bill in the tent, slipping under the covers next to his still form.
They were in this mess, this journey, together, the two leaders of humanity had shook hands on this years ago. Bill and Laura had come to a similar understanding with one another, a commitment forged over time and only recently realized. Laura ached for a reaffirmation of this second, more intimate agreement, a touch of hands or a brush of lips, a joining of bodies, to reassure her that they would survive this latest trial. She needed to convince herself that this devastating blow to the fleet’s morale had not defeated them.
Braving the distance and the heavy silence between them, Laura stretched a hand across the cot and rested it gently upon Bill’s chest. He did not move but, over the roar of her own doubts, Laura heard him sigh. She edged her body closer to him, her breasts against his arm, her knee pressed to his thigh, her heart straining to reach his. Tenderly she kissed the skin of his shoulder and prayed to any god who might still be listening for a response to her touch.
Laura nearly cried a moment later when his hand finally rose to cover the fingers that rested above his heart. She kissed his shoulder again and pulled herself closer, her kisses along his skin coming faster and more fervently as she fought to keep the tears at bay.
Moving to straddle his thighs, Laura ran her hands under Bill’s tanks and kissed his neck, jaw and face. His hands rested briefly on her hips but did not linger and moved instead to still her hands where they caressed his chest.
He whispered her name and she covered his lips with her own, stopping his objections, his reservations.
Returning his hands to her hips, Laura removed her own sweater, and then her blouse, shivering as her skin was exposed to the cool night air. She could feel Bill’s body respond to her actions as she shifted above him and his hands traveled up her stomach to warm her breasts. This time, when she pressed her lips to his, he returned the kiss and pulled her body down closer to his. She melted into the warmth of his mouth.
Their kisses were deep and languid, and more cathartic than Laura could ever have imagined. She was reluctant to break away for breath and smiled as Bill’s mouth moved across her jaw and down her neck. Grateful for his warmth and strength beneath her, providing her with what she lacked, it was a moment before she realized that it was no longer his lips and tongue, but rather his tears, that were wetting her neck.
Laura traced his forehead, cheeks, tears, letting her fingertips inquire, afraid that she too would cry if she voiced her queries. Her lips followed the path her fingers had taken and soon caressed the corner of his mouth.
“Laura.” Her name again, this time spoken into her mouth as she kissed him.
“Laura,” louder, more insistent.
She did not want to hear his objections, but there were now too many tears to kiss away, so she stilled and permitted him to continue.
“This…” Bill’s voice broke, even at a whisper as he attempted to express himself to her. “I can’t do this, not now. Not here, not yet.”
Hardly surprised, yet frustrated all the same, Laura sighed and tried to push herself away but Bill held her body tightly against his and spoke again.
“There’s too much pain right now, I can’t make love when my heart is so…heavy. I’m just…”
A small sound escaped her throat. A note of understanding perhaps, but it was not without a tinge of bitterness. Bill did not want to taint their love with the sorrow of this place, but Laura knew it was too late. The pain and disappointment would only fade with time; it would never disappear altogether.
They needed this, needed each other, now more than ever before. Laura wanted to scream out her pain, to force Bill to silence her with his lips and his tongue and his hands. But he had pulled the heavy covers back over the both of them and his hands moved across her back in soothing circles, holding her close yet still keeping her at a distance. So she said nothing.
And the silence continued.