Fic - Argus and Irma's Very Special Valentine's
Here's a little something I wrote in 2007, back when I was writing a (relatively) vast amount of Harry Potter fanfic during my year off after high school. It's one of the silliest things I've ever written, and still makes me chuckle every time I read it. Since the 6th movie came out I've been looking through some of my old stuff and so I thought I'd post this one over here for a laugh.
Title: Argus and Irma's Very Special Valentine's
Rating: K
Pairing(s): Argus Filch/Irma Pince
Summary: Argus finds love, and much more, in the Hogwarts Library.
Disclaimer: The characters and settings belong to JK Rowling. I'm just having a little fun.
On most Valentine’s Days, Argus Filch could be found glaring at the giddy students, and professors, as they exchanged cards and ran off in pairs to hide in his broom cupboards. Everyone in the castle seemed to become ten times sillier on that day and Argus could only shake his grizzled head in disgust.
But this year things were different. This year, Argus had a sweetheart. The problem was that she was a witch and he was a mere squib, but he was going to work as hard as he could to overcome that handicap.
For years now, Argus had been taking a Kwikspell course that was supposed to help squibs like himself gain the use of magic. He had a secondhand wand and had tried time and again to produce some evidence of magical ability, but to no avail. He carried the wand in the pocket of his jacket as he patrolled the hallways just in case he found himself able to use it.
On this night the caretaker’s wanderings carried him to the Hogwarts library. It was there that he stopped and looked through the doorway longingly. His beloved was standing at her desk, inspecting the books that the students had just returned, making sure that they had not been mistreated while out of her care.
Argus sighed happily as he watched her work. One of the things he loved most about her was the way she cared for her books. She hated the students just as much as he did; she understood how careless they could be and how much damage they could inflict upon the castle and the objects within.
Argus continued to watch the librarian as she worked. He had no idea how long he had stood there before she glanced up from her work and noticed him.
“Argus!” Irma Pince exclaimed, blushing while nervously patting her hair and smoothing her skirt. “I didn’t see you standing there.”
Argus coughed and shuffled his feet.
“Hello, Irma,” he said softly. “You look nice today.”
Irma blushed even harder, her cheeks now as pink as her blouse.
“Thank you Argus,” she replied. “It is Valentine’s Day you know.”
She glanced at Argus hopefully. He noticed her look and cleared his throat.
“Uh, yeah. I know that,” he told her. “I wanted to get you something special, but I didn’t think you’d want any flowers or chocolates in here ‘cause they might mess up your books.”
Irma smiled at him.
“You are quite right about that,” she told him, her usually sharp voice softened by his presence.
“So I didn’t get you anything,” Argus saw the flash of disappointment in the librarian’s eyes and added hastily, “I wrote you a poem instead.”
Argus handed her a card. On the front was a picture of two kittens cuddled up together with the words, We’re so cute. I love us, written on the front. Inside was the poem Argus had labored over for many hours.
Irma is so pretty,
She is nicer than a kitty.
Her hair is like ink
And her lips are baby pink.
I love Irma Pince,
She makes me feel like a prince.
If she loved me too
I would not feel so blue.
Love, Argus
Argus looked down self-consciously as Irma read the poem. When she had finished deciphering his untidy scrawl she blushed again and looked up at the man before her.
“Oh, Argus,” she whispered, “that’s so sweet.”
Argus ducked his head and stuck his hands into his pockets, embarrassed and pleased.
“Oh, well,” he said modestly. Irma walked to his side and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
“I love you, too,” she told him.
Argus felt a surge of happiness rush through him and his left hand closed on the wand hidden in his pocket. Suddenly a loud pop sounded and a bright purple light flared from Argus’s left side. Argus and Irma jumped and she clutched at his right arm.
“What was that?” she demanded, clearly frightened.
Argus shook his head and pulled his left hand out of his pocket, still clutching the wand. Grasping the wand with his other hand, Argus put his left hand back into the pocket and pulled out a handful of rose petals. He stared at them as his eyes filled with tears.
“Argus? What’s the matter?”
Argus cleared his throat and showed her the petals.
“I did magic,” he told her, “I was so happy I was able to do magic and these petals appeared in my pocket.”
Irma stared at the petals in his hand and then smiled up at him.
“That’s wonderful Argus,” she told him sweetly. Then her voice turned serious. “But if you drop so much as one of those in this library I will personally skin you alive.”
Argus grinned at her.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Irma.”
“Happy Valentine’s Day, dear.”
Title: Argus and Irma's Very Special Valentine's
Rating: K
Pairing(s): Argus Filch/Irma Pince
Summary: Argus finds love, and much more, in the Hogwarts Library.
Disclaimer: The characters and settings belong to JK Rowling. I'm just having a little fun.
On most Valentine’s Days, Argus Filch could be found glaring at the giddy students, and professors, as they exchanged cards and ran off in pairs to hide in his broom cupboards. Everyone in the castle seemed to become ten times sillier on that day and Argus could only shake his grizzled head in disgust.
But this year things were different. This year, Argus had a sweetheart. The problem was that she was a witch and he was a mere squib, but he was going to work as hard as he could to overcome that handicap.
For years now, Argus had been taking a Kwikspell course that was supposed to help squibs like himself gain the use of magic. He had a secondhand wand and had tried time and again to produce some evidence of magical ability, but to no avail. He carried the wand in the pocket of his jacket as he patrolled the hallways just in case he found himself able to use it.
On this night the caretaker’s wanderings carried him to the Hogwarts library. It was there that he stopped and looked through the doorway longingly. His beloved was standing at her desk, inspecting the books that the students had just returned, making sure that they had not been mistreated while out of her care.
Argus sighed happily as he watched her work. One of the things he loved most about her was the way she cared for her books. She hated the students just as much as he did; she understood how careless they could be and how much damage they could inflict upon the castle and the objects within.
Argus continued to watch the librarian as she worked. He had no idea how long he had stood there before she glanced up from her work and noticed him.
“Argus!” Irma Pince exclaimed, blushing while nervously patting her hair and smoothing her skirt. “I didn’t see you standing there.”
Argus coughed and shuffled his feet.
“Hello, Irma,” he said softly. “You look nice today.”
Irma blushed even harder, her cheeks now as pink as her blouse.
“Thank you Argus,” she replied. “It is Valentine’s Day you know.”
She glanced at Argus hopefully. He noticed her look and cleared his throat.
“Uh, yeah. I know that,” he told her. “I wanted to get you something special, but I didn’t think you’d want any flowers or chocolates in here ‘cause they might mess up your books.”
Irma smiled at him.
“You are quite right about that,” she told him, her usually sharp voice softened by his presence.
“So I didn’t get you anything,” Argus saw the flash of disappointment in the librarian’s eyes and added hastily, “I wrote you a poem instead.”
Argus handed her a card. On the front was a picture of two kittens cuddled up together with the words, We’re so cute. I love us, written on the front. Inside was the poem Argus had labored over for many hours.
Irma is so pretty,
She is nicer than a kitty.
Her hair is like ink
And her lips are baby pink.
I love Irma Pince,
She makes me feel like a prince.
If she loved me too
I would not feel so blue.
Love, Argus
Argus looked down self-consciously as Irma read the poem. When she had finished deciphering his untidy scrawl she blushed again and looked up at the man before her.
“Oh, Argus,” she whispered, “that’s so sweet.”
Argus ducked his head and stuck his hands into his pockets, embarrassed and pleased.
“Oh, well,” he said modestly. Irma walked to his side and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
“I love you, too,” she told him.
Argus felt a surge of happiness rush through him and his left hand closed on the wand hidden in his pocket. Suddenly a loud pop sounded and a bright purple light flared from Argus’s left side. Argus and Irma jumped and she clutched at his right arm.
“What was that?” she demanded, clearly frightened.
Argus shook his head and pulled his left hand out of his pocket, still clutching the wand. Grasping the wand with his other hand, Argus put his left hand back into the pocket and pulled out a handful of rose petals. He stared at them as his eyes filled with tears.
“Argus? What’s the matter?”
Argus cleared his throat and showed her the petals.
“I did magic,” he told her, “I was so happy I was able to do magic and these petals appeared in my pocket.”
Irma stared at the petals in his hand and then smiled up at him.
“That’s wonderful Argus,” she told him sweetly. Then her voice turned serious. “But if you drop so much as one of those in this library I will personally skin you alive.”
Argus grinned at her.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Irma.”
“Happy Valentine’s Day, dear.”