One of Those Moments.
It's funny when somebody eloquently sums up something you've been struggling with internally for some time. For me, it came in the form of Julian Lennon, speaking about the death of his famous father. He said he felt like he'd lost him twice- once, as a young child, when he left the family in the midst of Beatlemania, and again, at age 17, when he was shot and killed.
"I have always felt cheated by my father's death. I was five when he left - and 17 when he was murdered. I was at the stage of my life when I was hoping to get to know him more."
I'm 16, and I know exactly what he means. My dad left me when I was six years old, and our relationship has always been distant and weird. So when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer nearly eight years later, I felt like he was deserting me all over again. I feel like it should hurt less, considering we were never close- but it kills me that we never will be. That he won't be at my high school graduation, or dance with me at my wedding. Even the occasional phone calls, usually less than three minutes and pretty one-sided... I'll miss those.
This is what's been eating up all my time lately, and making it impossible to bang out a couple measly sentences to update you guys. I wouldn't normally feel comfortable writing this, but I just had one of those moments, and I needed to put it into words. It's sickly comforting knowing that, at some point in time, someone has felt the exact kind of hurt that you do. You don't feel so alone.