Advice welcome, but mostly need to vent to those that understand!
I don't even know where to start. My brain is so full lately, it just wants to explode all over my keyboard.
I have been with my bf for just over a year. I am a happily childfree 34 yr old and he's a 37 yr old who I THOUGHT was happily childfree......
We have a great meeting story - I worked briefly in a late night coffee shop and he's a taxi driver. He would always just come in and get coffee to go but over a period of a couple months it progressed to sitting down and having coffee while I was on my break. He finally asked me to hang out, which we did a few times, and it just went from there. We had a pretty solid relationship, never really fought (more like just got irritated and it lasted 30 seconds and it was over) and were always having fun together. Let's call him, R.
I made it extremely clear from day one, that under no circumstances could I have children. I have a million health problems that make it impossible, very little patience or time, and honestly even if I could, I just don't WANT them. I like kids. I like other people's kids. I like giving them back when I'm done with them and going home to my clean, as quiet as it gets with a crazy dog house. R told me that he felt the same way, that he was too old to have the energy a kid deserved and he okay with not having kids. GREAT!
6 months in....
I had been having some serious weird PMS symptoms that weren't going away. My bestie kept joking about me being pregnant. I told her there was no way, my trusty Mirena hadn't failed me in the 3 years I've had it. I just wasn't feeling better, in fact I started to get really sick. The bestie pretty much forced me to pee on a stick (I realize the mental pictures that must conjure) and sure as hell - it was positive. I took 3 more tests over 2 days and they all came up with that nasty little + sign. I was petrified. I had no idea what to do, so I told R what was going on. He didn't react how I thought he would at ALL. He was ECSTATIC. Like crying in my kitchen, throwing his arms around me laughing ecstatic. I was stunned. He started making all these plans about moving in together and having this little family and I just wanted to puke. Then I started thinking, that maybe it wouldn't be so bad and it was "meant" to happen this way. His joy was contagious I suppose.
I made an appointment with my family physician the next day and got bloodwork done and yes, I was definitely pregnant. She was extremely concerned because of my Mirena and immediately sent me for an ultrasound so we could see what the situation was. She told me she would call me later in the day when the results came in and we could go from there.
She ended up calling about 2 hours later with the news that the embryo was attached not quite in the fallopian tubes but not exactly in my uterus and it was close enough that she considered it to be ectopic and recommended terminating the pregnancy ASAP. So I did. With what I thought was R's support. Except for when the day came to go to the hospital, he "had something come up" and I ended up going alone. That should have been my sign to gtfo. In the weeks following, I was a mess. Everytime I would try to talk to him about it he would shut me down and just change the subject. He would say he understood and he supported me but he wouldn't TALK about it.
It became a bone of contention. Turns out his ex had an abortion about 18 weeks in and that's why he THOUGHT he didn't want kids - he didn't want to go through that again. But it turned out that he did/does. All we do is fight about it now and I resent him greatly not just for changing his mind but also for not being there when I needed him.
Fast forward to last Sunday. I work night shift (different job than where we met) and he drives nights as well. We both have Sundays off, so he'll usually get off work, go to my place and stay over. He texted me about 6am (when he's off work, but about an hour and a half before I am) to say he'd be at my place and he'd see me when I got home. So I head home from work, walk in the door....and ALL his stuff is gone. Everything. No note, no explanation, nothing. He wouldn't answer his cell, and when I went to his house, he didn't answer the door. I was devastated to say the least.I didn't sleep at all that day, I was just blindsided by what had happened.
He finally called and showed up here late, late Sunday night and wanted to talk. I was so angry, I didn't let him in but we went somewhere else to talk. He says the biggest reason he left is because he wants someone who wants kids, but he loves me and feels very torn. I told him if I wasn't sure before I definitely was now that there was no way it was happening. Even if I wanted to, how could I feel secure having a child with someone who just packs up his shit and leaves when things get hard instead of having a damn conversation? He said something along the lines about wanting to have a conversation about the ectopic pregnancy/leaving NOW - too fucking late I say. It's all about HIM and his feelings and I'm just so angry.
In the week since, he's been extra attentive, very sweet and making quite the effort to win me back. Last night we talked about tentatively getting back together, to work on things and see where they went. I love this man. We've been through so many other things together, and we have these crazy, wonderful adventures. He makes me laugh. I'm just not happy. He brought kids up again. I don't know what to do. Or think. Or feel. HELP!
I have been with my bf for just over a year. I am a happily childfree 34 yr old and he's a 37 yr old who I THOUGHT was happily childfree......
We have a great meeting story - I worked briefly in a late night coffee shop and he's a taxi driver. He would always just come in and get coffee to go but over a period of a couple months it progressed to sitting down and having coffee while I was on my break. He finally asked me to hang out, which we did a few times, and it just went from there. We had a pretty solid relationship, never really fought (more like just got irritated and it lasted 30 seconds and it was over) and were always having fun together. Let's call him, R.
I made it extremely clear from day one, that under no circumstances could I have children. I have a million health problems that make it impossible, very little patience or time, and honestly even if I could, I just don't WANT them. I like kids. I like other people's kids. I like giving them back when I'm done with them and going home to my clean, as quiet as it gets with a crazy dog house. R told me that he felt the same way, that he was too old to have the energy a kid deserved and he okay with not having kids. GREAT!
6 months in....
I had been having some serious weird PMS symptoms that weren't going away. My bestie kept joking about me being pregnant. I told her there was no way, my trusty Mirena hadn't failed me in the 3 years I've had it. I just wasn't feeling better, in fact I started to get really sick. The bestie pretty much forced me to pee on a stick (I realize the mental pictures that must conjure) and sure as hell - it was positive. I took 3 more tests over 2 days and they all came up with that nasty little + sign. I was petrified. I had no idea what to do, so I told R what was going on. He didn't react how I thought he would at ALL. He was ECSTATIC. Like crying in my kitchen, throwing his arms around me laughing ecstatic. I was stunned. He started making all these plans about moving in together and having this little family and I just wanted to puke. Then I started thinking, that maybe it wouldn't be so bad and it was "meant" to happen this way. His joy was contagious I suppose.
I made an appointment with my family physician the next day and got bloodwork done and yes, I was definitely pregnant. She was extremely concerned because of my Mirena and immediately sent me for an ultrasound so we could see what the situation was. She told me she would call me later in the day when the results came in and we could go from there.
She ended up calling about 2 hours later with the news that the embryo was attached not quite in the fallopian tubes but not exactly in my uterus and it was close enough that she considered it to be ectopic and recommended terminating the pregnancy ASAP. So I did. With what I thought was R's support. Except for when the day came to go to the hospital, he "had something come up" and I ended up going alone. That should have been my sign to gtfo. In the weeks following, I was a mess. Everytime I would try to talk to him about it he would shut me down and just change the subject. He would say he understood and he supported me but he wouldn't TALK about it.
It became a bone of contention. Turns out his ex had an abortion about 18 weeks in and that's why he THOUGHT he didn't want kids - he didn't want to go through that again. But it turned out that he did/does. All we do is fight about it now and I resent him greatly not just for changing his mind but also for not being there when I needed him.
Fast forward to last Sunday. I work night shift (different job than where we met) and he drives nights as well. We both have Sundays off, so he'll usually get off work, go to my place and stay over. He texted me about 6am (when he's off work, but about an hour and a half before I am) to say he'd be at my place and he'd see me when I got home. So I head home from work, walk in the door....and ALL his stuff is gone. Everything. No note, no explanation, nothing. He wouldn't answer his cell, and when I went to his house, he didn't answer the door. I was devastated to say the least.I didn't sleep at all that day, I was just blindsided by what had happened.
He finally called and showed up here late, late Sunday night and wanted to talk. I was so angry, I didn't let him in but we went somewhere else to talk. He says the biggest reason he left is because he wants someone who wants kids, but he loves me and feels very torn. I told him if I wasn't sure before I definitely was now that there was no way it was happening. Even if I wanted to, how could I feel secure having a child with someone who just packs up his shit and leaves when things get hard instead of having a damn conversation? He said something along the lines about wanting to have a conversation about the ectopic pregnancy/leaving NOW - too fucking late I say. It's all about HIM and his feelings and I'm just so angry.
In the week since, he's been extra attentive, very sweet and making quite the effort to win me back. Last night we talked about tentatively getting back together, to work on things and see where they went. I love this man. We've been through so many other things together, and we have these crazy, wonderful adventures. He makes me laugh. I'm just not happy. He brought kids up again. I don't know what to do. Or think. Or feel. HELP!