(no subject)

[child_of_wonder]

I'm feeling sort of melancholy and torn. Its silly b/c I see my new friends, and I love them beyond life. But also I see my old friends, who a have this deep familiar ache for. They all still stay together, but without me, when I thought I was so integral to the dynamics of my old group. But I'm not sad that they can live w/o me. I rejoice b/c they still have each other, but it makes me question myself, that I can be so tightly entwined in people and it seems like one end of my string gets pulled and its come undone and slipping away from the others, while they still hold together. How is it that that is done? And I can't go back b/c I'm afraid. I'm scared of how I'll hurt them. I'm scared of saying the wrong things and of being difrent and of smiling too much or not enough. I wouldn't try and glue my strng back on their tapestry. And not because I don't love them, not b/c I don't want to, but b/c I'm content to watch them be happy and hear about the fun things they do. I wish I could help them when they have problems, but thats not my job any more. I can't be there sometimes and not others. But I stay away b/c I'm afraid of hurting them. I know now that I cannot give them all of me b/c parts of me already belong to others, and I can't take that away. I wouldn't. I guess I'm just a wimp, but I'm scared of making them sad. I'm scared of what might happen b/c its what always happens, an unfortunate pattern of my life.

I'm turning off comments b/c, well, this is just a little look into my mind. I"m not for pity or sympathy or anger. It's just a window. You can't change whats inside, just observe.