(no subject)
After bawling on my dog for a bit tonight (she retaliated by licking my face with great concern) I think I've figured out one the biggest things that this disorder has changed. I'm scared. I spend every day afraid to some degree or another. At my previous job I was so frightened was I almost paralyzed to inaction. Yeah, my work there sucked. But I was strung out on the max dose of ativan they could prescribe plus drug-of-the-month on top of that and I was so scared of doing anything that I did as little as possible. And that's not really an excuse that shifts the blame - it's the reason why I acted the ways I did. How would it affect someone to be afraid of the people around them every day? To be afraid of how people would react to anything they did? To be afraid of their own body because it was no longer under their control? And I have never dealt with fear at such crippling levels. I've always been a bit fearless. I've butted heads with authority over causes I felt needed to be spoke out against. I've stood up against religious leaders when I disagreed with what they were doing. I've stood my ground on a bridge and threw myself in front of the opposing army's king and champion at the order of our commanders to buy a few minutes of time. I've never dealt with fear so bad that it's made me physically ill and given me recurring nightmares.
I dream I'm helpless in an episode and that there are people all around me taking my things and I can't do anything to stop them. Or I'm helpless and someone is trying to start an IV in my arm and it hurts so bad and I can't make them stop. I think the second one is actually a memory. I dream that I have absolutely no control and that I can't fight back for anything.
And let's not forget the amnesia. I would lose years without warning and spend hours terrified of strangers that knew who I was and wondering how I got to this place that I didn't know.
And that is so counter to my personality. I've pulled myself out episodes by sheer force of will... I've walked because I wouldn't let paralysis win... and yet this deep-rooted fear of everything around me and even myself is still there. I'm afraid of other people - of what they'll think or do. I'm afraid of being helpless and alone. I think most people have those fears but mine are actually realized on a regular basis. Even though my medications allow me to live a mostly normal life I'm still vulnerable from time to time. My disorder is still very noticeable to others. And what if the medicine fails one day like all the others did? What does this kind of constant fear do to a person? Would it change their personality? Would it damage their self-esteem? Would it eat away their ability to fight back day after day after day? Does fear eventually erode away all courage until it just crushes the person under the weight? I don't know.
But I think that is a big part of what's wrong. I feel like I want to throw up just writing this. I'm just... scared. And I'm not sure what I can fight back against.
I meet with my therapist tomorrow. Now I'm gonna go take the dog for a walk. She deserves it.
I dream I'm helpless in an episode and that there are people all around me taking my things and I can't do anything to stop them. Or I'm helpless and someone is trying to start an IV in my arm and it hurts so bad and I can't make them stop. I think the second one is actually a memory. I dream that I have absolutely no control and that I can't fight back for anything.
And let's not forget the amnesia. I would lose years without warning and spend hours terrified of strangers that knew who I was and wondering how I got to this place that I didn't know.
And that is so counter to my personality. I've pulled myself out episodes by sheer force of will... I've walked because I wouldn't let paralysis win... and yet this deep-rooted fear of everything around me and even myself is still there. I'm afraid of other people - of what they'll think or do. I'm afraid of being helpless and alone. I think most people have those fears but mine are actually realized on a regular basis. Even though my medications allow me to live a mostly normal life I'm still vulnerable from time to time. My disorder is still very noticeable to others. And what if the medicine fails one day like all the others did? What does this kind of constant fear do to a person? Would it change their personality? Would it damage their self-esteem? Would it eat away their ability to fight back day after day after day? Does fear eventually erode away all courage until it just crushes the person under the weight? I don't know.
But I think that is a big part of what's wrong. I feel like I want to throw up just writing this. I'm just... scared. And I'm not sure what I can fight back against.
I meet with my therapist tomorrow. Now I'm gonna go take the dog for a walk. She deserves it.