(no subject)
I've been sitting here with this thing blank for awhile now. I have a lot on my mind, but I really don't know if I want to write about it. I'm in one of those moods today...not happy really, not sad, just apathetic. I don't want to be here, but I don't know where I want to be or who I want to be with...well I kinda know that one, but it's not happening, and that's my fault, because I'm too much of a chicken to tell him I like him. >:P I plan on calling him tomorrow though.
So, I've got the next three days off. I donno why, but I do. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I won't have a ride any where, so I'll probably stay home and study for finals. Fun! -_- Plus I have that project to do tomorrow. *shrugs*
I've been thinking a lot about Jeff, and his kids lately. Thanks to Daryl and the fact that Kevin's graduating. I want to be more of a part of everything that's going on with them. But I don't know really how to go about that. I mean, they're there, and they're my family. But I know them about as well as I know...well...Jake German, for example. I know them well enough to say hi when I see them around town, and maybe have a conversation with them, but I really know nothing about them and they don't know anything about me. I know it will take a lot of work to fix that, but I'm not exactly how to go about that. I know, be around more, maybe go and do stuff with the family. But that will most definately be akward. I know the first thing I need to do is talk to Jeff. There are so many things that I'm angry about and I resent him for. I know for any sort of relationship to exist I need to talk to him, hear his side of the story, even if it does turn out to be bull shit. I need to at least forgive him, for anything to turn out well. I can't forgive him unless I explane, and listen to his story, and give him the chance to appologise and myself the chance to change my mind. I'm terrified to though. I'm afraid that he's going to say everything I think he will, and none of it would be true...I know better, I know what happened, not just from my mom. Maybe their oppinions are all the same about it, maybe I'm wrong, but I know mostly what happened. I'm afraid he's going to tell me stuff that I know isn't true, things I can't believe. I know life would go on without him or his kids in it, but now that I've found them I'd like for them to really be a part of my life. I donno, I need to set up a time when I can go and talk to Jeff, with out his kids, and get this worked out somewhat...But I'm not sure I'm ready, and even if I am, are my parents?It's so complicated, I have to worry about everyone's feelings, people you don't think would be involved are involved, and I feel like if I make one wrong move, they'll all come down on my head.
So it's late, and the only other thing I can think of is how pathetic I am...I still haven't called the guy I like. I need to...I plan on calling him tomorrow. I want to see him before he leaves, but I donno if that'll happen. *sigh* I'm gonna call him, and tell him to at least stop by BK. He doesn't know I like him, and probably won't cause I'm a chicken like that.